Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts

Wednesday, 16 June 2021

Why self-belief is a superpower that can be harnessed

Super Confidence 

 


Illustration by Paul Tansley.
Illustration by Paul Tansley.

Lockdowns may have eroded people’s swagger, but research suggests there are ways to remedy the situation

In July 2007, the Irish golfer Padraig Harrington won one of golf’s most coveted competitions, the British Open. The story of how he did this, one of the most remarkable finishes in golfing history, illustrates one of the ways confidence works.

The Claret Jug – the Open’s famous prize – was within Harrington’s grasp as he teed off at the penultimate hole of the tournament. He had a one-shot lead on his arch-rival, Sergio García. He was entirely in the zone – “I am literally the most confident person at that point in time,” he said later. Then, something strange happened – a twinge of doubt came out of nowhere at the top of his back swing and he sliced the ball into the murky waters of the notorious Barry Burn river.

But, still in the lead and his confidence intact, Harrington squared up at the 18th tee. Disaster. He lashed another ball into the Barry Burn. His confidence collapsed: “I’ve never experienced this reaction in my life… I wanted to give up… I had thrown it away.”

Harrington barely remembers the first 50 yards he trudged up the fairway of the final hole to take yet another penalty shot. But luckily, he had his caddy, Ronan Flood, by his side for that walk. Flood kept repeating to Harrington that he was the best chipper and putter (the two strokes he needed to stay in the tournament) in the world. “One shot at a time, you’re the best chip and putter in the world. One shot at a time, you’re the best chip and putter in the world.” Over and over, he repeated it.

As they approached the ball for Harrington to take what would be his penultimate shot, an attempt to salvage his tournament, Harrington’s confidence had shifted again. He positioned himself above the fateful ball: “I stood there, really excited about it, and I fired it in there, nice and low. I don’t think I’ve ever been more in the zone than in that chip shot in my life. It’s really easy to hit a great shot when you’re feeling good… it’s really difficult to hit a great shot when you’re feeling bad. I should have been feeling the lowest ebb at this point.”

Padraig Harrington says his caddy Ronan Flood’s encouragement was key to his 2007 British Open victory.
Padraig Harrington says his caddy Ronan Flood’s encouragement was key to his 2007 British Open victory. Photograph: Matt Dunham/AP

His caddy’s constant, almost mechanical, repetition of his conviction that Harrington would do it had somehow reinflated the confidence bubble, and he went on to beat García and take the Claret Jug.

But that’s not the end of the story, according to one of Harrington’s close acquaintances, to whom I spoke in Dublin. After the first, delirious celebration on the green, the champion and his caddy parted for several hours of ceremony and press interviews. They were reunited at the end of the evening in the limousine, taking them back to their hotel. Padraig looked over at his caddy:

“You know, Ronan, I thought I’d blown the Open – and so did everyone else in the world – except Ronan Flood.”

Flood started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Harrington asked, puzzled.

Flood replied: “I thought you’d blown it too – I didn’t think you had a chance!”

Flood was just saying the words on the fairway to try to rein in Harrington’s mind, away from thoughts of great prizes and great failure, to a limited funnel of thoughts linked to a specific set of actions that he knew he could execute. The words we say to ourselves shape our attention, which controls our emotions, and the result is confidence – or lack of it. The caddy’s astute understanding of this process meant that he could get Harrington back on mental track, despite his own fears that Harrington had blown it.

Research backs up the lesson of this story, that the words you say to yourself shape your confidence and, hence, your performance, no matter how fake or cliched those words might feel.

Cycling on a stationary bike until you are too exhausted to continue is a standard test of endurance and fitness. In one study, young, fit men and women did this, and cycled for an average of 10 minutes before having to stop. Half of them were then taken aside by the researchers and taught to use confidence-enhancing self-talk phrases, such as “you’re doing well”, “… feeling good”, or “push through this” and then applied them during a second exhaustion test. Just as “just saying the words” worked for Padraig Harrington, simply repeating these confident phrases led to the self-talk group boosting their endurance by 18%, from around 10.5 to 13 minutes. They also felt less strain during the exercise than the other group, whose endurance time didn’t change at all.

Confidence is the colloquial term for self-efficacy – the belief that you can successfully do a particular thing. It is this link to action that differentiates confidence from self-esteem (how good you feel about yourself) or optimism (belief that things will turn out OK). When you anticipate success, your brain releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine, the chemical messenger that fuels reward and pleasure in the reward network deep in the centre of the brain, according to research at Michigan University in 2015. Researchers at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, showed in 2016 that feeling confident about your decisions activates reward networks in the brain, while lack of confidence leads to increases of activity in brain regions linked to negative emotions such as anxiety.

Women on exercise bikes
Researchers have shown that positive self-talk can boost sporting performance. Photograph: Kateryna Kukota/Alamy

Confidence and anxiety are therefore competing rivals for your actions and attention. Anxiety inclines you to retreat in avoidance of failure, while confidence is a bridge to the future that impels you forward in anticipation of reward. Most of us are slightly overconfident – men more so than women – in relation to our true abilities. And that mood-lifting, anxiety-reducing state of mind inclines us to do stuff that increases the chances of outcomes or encounters that do indeed lead to opportunity and reward, and therefore acts as a virtuous positive feedback loop.

So, confidence begets more confidence, and this is why the results of a 2020 mid-pandemic survey of 2,000 people in the UK aged 16-25 are particularly disturbing. The survey, by the Prince’s Trust, found that 41% of respondents felt that their future goals now seemed “impossible to achieve” and 38% that they now felt they would “never succeed in life”. This is a more extreme example of a more general finding, that 18-25-year-olds who live through an economic recession believe less strongly that they can get ahead through hard work.

Such a dramatic drop in the confidence of nearly half a generation could reverberate for decades in the social, economic and political fabric of Britain, and elsewhere. Confidence in a population predicts many things, including academic achievement. And the economic effects are likely to be strong, too: between 2000 and 2014, for example, across 13 EU countries, including the UK, Germany, France and Spain, the confidence of individual consumers and company executives strongly predicted the unemployment rate in each member state.

The belief that you can do something therefore not only motivates you to do that thing, it also lifts your mood and lowers your anxiety, which is one way confidence works – by helping you achieve small and big goals. It also helps to explain why mental health is such a major challenge during restrictive lockdowns.

We know that lifting confidence improves performance, because many studies have shown it experimentally. For example, in 2008, researchers at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, made students more or less confident about their physical strength by randomly telling some that they were stronger, and others that they were weaker, compared with others – irrespective of their true strength, measured using a handgrip dynamometer, a metal lever which you squeeze tight against a resisting spring. The results were striking: the high-confidence group held the grip for 30% longer than the low-confidence group. They also felt less pain and discomfort in their hands.

Researchers in Grenoble used the same method with people aged between 52 and 91, first asking them how old they felt. On average, they felt 8% more youthful than their real age. All the participants then did the handgrip test, which in itself is a good indicator of general vitality in older people. The average grip was around 26kg. The researchers then boosted the confidence of half the group, telling them that their score was better than 80% of people their age. They told the others nothing, and both groups then took the grip test a second time. The tired hands of those told nothing scored one kilo less than on their first attempt. The raised-confidence group score, however, was one kilo more. Strikingly, the feedback-induced confidence also made them feel younger: one 60-year-old said he felt like a 53-year-old and a 90-year-old felt 10 years younger, while the other group felt no different.

Shop window sales
Young people who experience a recession feel pessimistic about achieving life goals. Photograph: Neil Hall/EPA

Nowhere is confidence more needed than when we face change, such as in the aftermath of pandemic. Many people are grappling with life-changing decisions, often forced upon them, about their careers, education, or where to live. There are two potential states of mind in which we can approach such decisions – deliberative, where we try to select a goal or course of action, weighing up the pros and cons of each; and implemental, where we have already selected our goal and are now working out what steps to take to achieve it.

The will-I, won’t-I, deliberative mindset widens our attention – for example, making it more likely that our eyes will detect a peripheral object on a background picture. It also opens our attention to a broad range of potential good and bad future possibilities and remembered past experiences. Because of this, not only does it open up creative possibilities for ourselves, it also lets in anxious, negative thoughts and memories which tend to diminish confidence. So it is very important to avoid chronic indecision and too much deliberation, and to keep it under tight control so that you can enjoy its benefits without becoming paralysed by it.

On the other hand, focusing on solving the problem of how to achieve an already chosen goal narrows our attention to specific actions and so reduces the chance of anxiety-arousing thoughts and memories entering our consciousness. Women in particular benefit from the confidence-enhancing effects of the implemental mindset, Cologne University researchers reported.

Though under-confidence depletes our potential, extreme overconfidence – a feature of male more than female behaviour – can have big downsides, too. For example, experienced professional financial traders made poorer choices than students because of their overconfidence in their hunches, a 2006 Nottingham University study showed, while overconfidence increases the chances of leaders taking military action and starting wars, because it makes them overly optimistic about their own military strength and their chances of success.

But in spite of its downsides, confidence is a precious mental resource that we all need as we re-enter a dramatically changed post-pandemic world. The words we say to ourselves will help harness our anxieties by focusing our attention on achievable goals, just as they did for Padraig Harrington.

Prof Ian Robertson is the author of How Confidence Works (Transworld, £20). To support the Guardian order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

The Science of Confidence, a Guardian Masterclass with Prof Ian Robertson, is on Tuesday 20 July. Book a ticket here


Sunday, 23 May 2021

The Only Way to Be Truly Confident in Yourself

Confidence 

 


 Photo by Sofia on Unsplash

Author of #1 NYTimes Bestseller ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck’. OG Blogger. Psychology Nerd. I enjoy cats and whiskey. But not at the same time.


Thursday, 15 April 2021

How to Cope With Being Underestimated

Being Underestimated 

 


Photo by Josh Mills on Unsplash

  It’s all too easy to doubt yourself when others underestimate you, but with a bit of awareness you can retain your confidence.

 

Mar 31, 2021

 

So many of us feel underestimated all day, every day. Either through subtle shade or overt obnoxiousness, it’s a sobering smack in the face when someone makes it clear they don’t expect much from you. It can play out in so many scenarios, both personally and professionally. You’re excellent at your work, but the gatekeepers refuse to crack open the door for you, pay you your worth, or acknowledge your potential. Your own parents can’t believe you got your act together and made the dean’s List. Some of your friends seem genuinely surprised when you meet someone great or when you get promoted.

This kind of microaggression could be triggered by racism, gender, age, socioeconomic circumstances, personality differences, competitive nonsense, or all of the above, but, regardless of one’s motivation, it is painful to receive such messages.

When people underestimate us, they saddle us with negative assumptions that can be destabilizing and can make us question our own abilities, says Michelle Golland, a clinical psychologist based in New York and Los Angeles. “It’s traumatic to be underestimated — it’s a trauma to self-identity. It’s like being told or shown you’re not legitimate.”

As a Black woman pursuing her postdoctorate degree at Harvard Medical School, Monica O’Neal, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert based in Boston, says she sometimes felt underestimated. “I performed very well, much to the chagrin of some of my classmates who couldn’t understand why I was performing so well. They were like, ‘Exactly how did you get that?’ It was terribly painful. But I was also aware of how racist it was. I think the thing that allowed me to get through, to still be successful and not take my foot off the gas, is because I had a sense of purpose, and I was passionate about what it was that I wanted to do.”

She mentions decades of studies that show how implicit bias, and the feeling of being underestimated due to race, negatively impacted the performance of children in school. For example, a recent study led by Harvard researcher Mark Chin revealed how teachers’ implicit bias led to unequal student outcomes.

A strong sense of purpose is also what drove Arlan Hamilton, founder and managing partner of Backstage Capital, a venture-capital company that invests solely in female-identifying, People of Color, and LGBTQ+ founders (she’s all three) to bust through the many obstacles she faced when launching Backstage while homeless. She knows what it means to be underestimated — she even wrote a book called It’s About Damn Time: How to Turn Being Underestimated Into Your Greatest Asset to inspire others who want to succeed in spite of what they’re being shown or told about themselves.


“The only difference between the people who have become millionaires and billionaires with their tech companies, who are mostly white men, and the rest of us is in marketing, basically,” Hamilton explains. “They were told that they were Superman at 3 years old. We were not.”

Whether we realize it or not, a perceived lack of faith from those who know us, teach us, or pay us can seep deeply into our state of mind and can be difficult to detach from. But there are some tools that can help.


Shake off what others put on you

O’Neal says, when being underestimated, it’s important to recognize that the reality of the situation has nothing to do with your internal capabilities. “Sometimes, it is about your race or your gender, and having that be a clear part of the narrative frees you up from internalizing because you’re not the one falling short. Everyone’s expectation of you is falling short. If you can be aware and say to yourself, ‘I feel some insecurity because I feel like other people might judge me based on my race (or age or gender),’ that can help you not be as impacted by it,” she says.

Connect with your sense of purpose

Hamilton says sometimes, even if she doesn’t close the deal, just getting into the room to vie for the deal reaffirms her sense of purpose. “The thing that helps me, especially if I know I may not get the yes on something, if I’m the only one in the room, is to think about who it could help — does my being in that room make it easier for the next person to be in that room who looks like me?” Hamilton says. “I call it loosening the pickle jar. I go into the room; I ask for a promotion. If I don’t get the promotion, maybe, just maybe, I made it a little bit easier for that next person who is going to come in, who is five years younger than I am, or who is five years older than I am, and looks like me.”

Consider what you can control

Karen Palmer, a leadership coach based in Brooklyn, says we can’t control how others think and behave, so when you’re feeling underestimated, it helps to focus on what you can control within yourself.

“Take that deep breath and acknowledge what you already know to be good about yourself, because we so often look for external validation,” Palmer says. “If we can start examining our own values, look at what’s important, and how we’re showing up in our own lives, we can realize how we show up for that also affects what gets attracted to us.”

Expand your social circle

Palmer says when you’re feeling underestimated professionally, breaking away from insular social circles and reaching beyond your job or industry to connect with others in new ways can help set you on a more positive path in a new (even if virtual) atmosphere.

“Even in our crazy Covid Zoom lives, it helps to join in some kind of intellectual group that is not connected to your job, so you can have a different way of relating to people that actually demonstrates you have something else to offer,” she says. “If you are only looking through the lens of the people who have already found you wanting, all that does is fight your own perception of yourself.”

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Rally strategic support

O’Neal agrees it helps to align yourself with supportive people who are also working diligently toward similar goals. “Think about being around other women who are driven, who are wanting to do more, who are competitive in a way that propels one another forward — not competitive because they’re insecure about their own ability to achieve,” she explains. “You need to have friends who say, ‘You know what? You can do it. I know you can do it. I have faith in you. I’m sure it’ll be hard, but I’ll be here to give you a Gatorade break — keep running forward.’”

rear view of affectionate sisters sitting on log at park during sunny day
 
Make sure you surround yourself with people who support you.
MaskotGetty Images

Play the long game

Devoted to her goal of starting Backstage, Hamilton pressed on toward her dream in spite of the naysayers. “I found myself sleeping at an airport and going to meetings during the day, and that same year I got my first investor to take me seriously,” she says. “I always said if I can get one person on my side, I can do this. I just needed that one ‘yes.’” That yes and a lot of drive led Hamilton to the cover of Fast Company.

Though the process felt like “pushing a hill up a hill,” Hamilton committed to a long view for her vision. “Because I think of things in decades — not months or weeks or years — I was ready for that, and I am ready for it. That’s not to say that I think that things can casually get better. I don’t like to stand by and watch things casually find their way,” she says.

Don’t underestimate your value

“Impostor syndrome is something that has been put on us to gaslight us,” Hamilton says. “They can send it to you, but don’t sign for it. We know so many people who are supposed to be where they are, and they’re doing just fine. For Black women specifically, whatever you’re being paid, it’s a discount. Whatever the amount. When you think about readjusting where you fit in, or where you’re placed, you have to be the first person to put yourself in the right place — to say, ‘I’m supposed to be up here. I just happen to be down here.’ I think that’s a good start.”

Be angry

“Anger, redemption, and revenge are very good motivators when you’re underestimated. They’re healthy parts of ourselves,” says Golland. “Once you realize that person is trying to shame, gaslight, or humiliate you (by underestimating you), once you know that, it’s very easy.” She adds turning the tables in the moment can check the underestimating offender right into place.

“Actually say, ‘Huh, that’s interesting.’ Or ‘We’re going to have to agree to disagree.’ It makes them uncomfortable because you’re not caretaking their assumption about you,” she says.

In the end, Hamilton says, success is the best naysayer payback. “Sometimes, I don’t even want to knock them out when they’re down because it’s the same people,” she says. “You may have been looking up to them, and they may have been looking down on you, and a couple of years go by, and they’re exactly the same place they were doing the same thing to people who are less fortunate.” Just think, once you’ve lapped your naysayers, you can watch their karma play out with some popcorn.


Vivian Manning-Schaffel is a multifaceted storyteller whose work has been featured in The Cut, NBC News Better, Time Out New York, Medium and The Week. Follow her on Twitter @soapboxdirty.



Wednesday, 24 February 2021

Want To Be Happier and More Successful? Learn To Like Other People

Happy and Successful 

 

Research suggests that the best self-help advice may have very little to do with yourself.

Fast Company

 

 


Self-help advice isn’t exactly in short supply. There are research-backed tips out there for boosting confidence, resilience, risk taking, and adaptability. The message is pretty clear: Feel better about yourself or change your beliefs about what you’re capable of, and you’ll excel. Indeed, ample scientific evidence supports each of these claims.

Nevertheless, most self-improvement strategies focus too much on the person who’s trying to do the improving. Much of the time, the same outcomes you’re trying to achieve by changing your own habits, attitudes, and behaviors depend on how you view other people.

It sounds paradoxical, but according to University of Georgia researcher Jason Colquitt and his colleagues, people who tend to trust others at work score higher on a range of measure than those who don’t, from job performance to commitment to the team. And since we know that it’s our relationships—particularly with our bosses and colleagues—that determine how happy and successful we are as our careers progress, it may be worth asking some new questions. Instead of, “How can I improve?” the better question might be, “How can I start seeing more of the good in people, more often?”

Why The Benefit Of The Doubt Is So Hard To Give

It can be difficult to believe that others generally have the best intentions; that just isn’t many people’s default assumption. We’re socialized from a young age to be critical of others’ motives, if not downright suspicious. Parents tell their children for their own protection to beware of strangers. And it’s not hard to find evidence in daily life that expressions like “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” has some truth to it. In an era of fake news, taking anything at face value seems potentially foolhardy.

But these societal impulses may actually arise from deeper cognitive ones. Negative past events loom larger in our memories than positive experiences. As psychologist Roy Baumeister famously put it, “Bad is stronger than good.” This makes adaptive sense: To survive in a treacherous environment (especially social ones), early humans needed to recall the times their trust was ill-placed, when they were betrayed or misled and wound up getting hurt. By comparison, all the times when their trust led to good outcomes weren’t as critical to hang onto.

In addition, people have an unyielding desire to see themselves in a positive light. This can cause us to develop less favorable views of others. Research shows that we tend to think we’re better than average at almost everything, meaning that others are worse—including less trustworthy. As part of this process, Stanford behavioral scientist Chip Heath found that we tend to think our own motivations are intrinsic (“I work hard because I love my job”) whereas others’ are extrinsic (“They work hard only because they’re getting paid to do so”).

Finally, while research on optimism—including assuming the best of others—almost universally shows its benefits for success and satisfaction in both work and life, people tend to fear being seen as an unrealistic “Pollyanna.” Just think of how many words there are in English to describe the experience of too-readily trusting others: gullible, ingenuous, credulous, unwary; imbecile, dimwit, stooge, dunderhead, idiot, fool; beguiled, duped, tricked, betrayed, fleeced, deceived, defrauded, double-crossed, deluded, swindled, conned, rooked, cozened, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flimflammed . . . you get the idea.

Research suggests when we perceive someone as innocent and nice, we tend to view them as less competent, a label we ourselves avoid at all costs. As the novelist Laurell K. Hamilton has said, “Never trust people who smile constantly, they’re either selling something or not very bright.”

The Self-Help Approach That’s Not About You

To be sure, there are risks to assuming the best in others, but the benefits may far outweigh the potential costs, especially in the workplace.

Conflict is a difficult but often inevitable part of our work lives. According to Harvard Business School professor Chris Argyris, a top cause of workplace discord is the “ladder of inference” (basically what he sees as a more precise metaphor than “jumping to conclusions”). Climbing up the ladder means that a person takes in neutral information but assumes bad intentions, which results in less favorable beliefs and bad behavior.

For example, when you receive an ambiguous email from a coworker you have a turbulent relationship with, you’re more likely than not to react defensively. In fact, there’s research to suggest that we interpret all emails more negatively than their writer meant them to be. So perhaps it’s no surprise that PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi says the best piece of career advice she’s ever gotten is “assume positive intent.”

One of the biggest opportunities for growth at work comes from the way you solicit feedback and what you do with it afterward. Research demonstrates that while employees who speak up tend to improve how well teams function, many tend to be afraid to do so, worrying that their input won’t be well-received. Simply assuming the best in others can lay the foundation for managers and their team members alike to learn and improve without wounding egos.

It’s also no secret that the ability to influence others is a crucial job skill. Research shows that when we think others are capable of changing their attitudes, we’re more likely to advance our own views. But when we think others’ beliefs are fixed, we don’t try too hard to persuade them—what would be the point? This can have personal costs, though, since it limits our own potential sphere of influence.

And that, in turn, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy: Assume the worst in other people, and they’ll prove it every time (“confirmation bias,” anyone?), closing off one opportunity after the next to shore up those crucial relationships that your own happiness and success depend on. Sure, self-help books are a great way to better your work life. But their typical focus on you may have the unintended result of limiting your ability to wring more value out of the social world around you, which is teeming with people, while you’re just one of them.

David Mayer is associate professor of management and organizations at the University of Michigan's Stephen M. Ross School of Business.


Monday, 8 February 2021

For Everyone Who’s Twenty, Ambitious, and Lost

Youth 

 

Hear this: don’t trust yourself.

 Photo:  Canva

 

We’ve all heard the phrase, “trust yourself.”

It’s popular. It feels good. It’s even true.

As my dad likes to say, “We’re the ultimate experts of ourselves.” Nobody can tell you what life you should live, what to eat for breakfast, whom to date, and where to work.

Yet…

When you’re young, trusting yourself is a double-edged sword.

Yes, it’s important to “follow your bliss” and all of that. But if there’s anything you lack in your twenties, it’s experience. (Also, wit, knowledge, and perspective.)

Choices that seem right at first glance (e.g., go travel the world with a backpack) might actually be stupid choices. Dreams that seem yours (e.g., become a multi-millionaire by 30) might not be such. Beliefs that seem right (e.g., all men should be financially successful) might be short-sighted.

As Stephen Colbert once noticed, “If we all had followed our first dreams, the world would be teeming with cowboys and princesses…”

The good thing about dreams is that they change. And so do we.

Making mistakes is part of the process, sure. But blindly trusting your young — and inexperienced — self might lead you astray.

Whenever I see 20-year-olds pushed to make decisions about their career, I think, “Do you really want to delegate making a decision about your entire future to a hormone-driven, sex-obsessed, YouTube-watching, vodka-drinking 20-year-old?”

A better option would be to seek guidance.

Not by blindly following other people’s advice — after all, you’ve got your own life to live — but by absorbing the perspective of wiser, older, more experienced human beings.

You don’t need a mentor. The Internet is full of brilliant people recording podcasts, giving commencement speeches, writing blogs. (If you need a start, watch this commencement speech, read this blog, and listen to this podcast.)

Have heroes and role models instead.

Always remember that to a sixty-year-old, twenty is a baby. (So is thirty and forty.) Experienced people see what you don’t see. They see the forest behind the trees, while you’re obsessed with “making it” and not looking bad on Instagram.

It’s not bad to ask for help when you need it. In fact, it’s a sign of wisdom and humility. The most successful people in the world were guided. (Even Luke Skywalker.)

If there’s one thing every young person needs help with, it’s perspective. Keeping the right mindset about your age, capabilities, and options.

Being grateful, patient. Not complaining or selfish.

When it comes to that, I say, “Don’t trust yourself.”

Trust people who’ve walked the path before you instead.

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Tuesday, 25 August 2020

Get Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable



Luvvie Ajayi isn't afraid to speak her mind or to be the one dissenting voice in a crowd, and neither should you. "Your silence serves no one," says the writer, activist and self-proclaimed professional troublemaker. In this bright, uplifting talk, Ajayi shares three questions to ask yourself if you're teetering on the edge of speaking up or quieting down -- and encourages all of us to get a little more comfortable with being uncomfortable. This talk was presented at an official TED conference, and was featured by our editors on the home page.

 About the speaker Luvvie Ajayi · Creator Luvvie Ajayi is an author, speaker and digital strategist who thrives at the intersection of comedy, technology and activism.

Monday, 11 May 2020

What Is Confidence And High Self Esteem , Really?




Susie Moore 

What is the meaning of confidence and high self esteem, really? The self confidence meaning we typically attribute needs to be reevaluated. Because we misinterpret what confidence is.

 And then we perceive it the wrong way. We think it’s a charismatic speaker. A witty dinner party guest. Or the person who is always winning at work. They may be confident, yes. But it’s actually simpler than that. It’s only one, simple thing. The key to becoming confident is the willingness to experience negative emotions. 

Or what I can the NET - Negative Emotion Tolerance. Because the confident people out there know that knows the cost of really going for what they want isn't that risky - because they’re willing to feel a temporary uncomfortable emotion. And that is the worst that can happen. And uncomfortable emotions pass. And in this video, I breakdown the only thing required to more confident, with this NET confidence formula. And how to live a satisfying life on your terms. Improving real, lasting confidence is possible - and I don't mean fake confidence (or pseudo confidence). I mean true confidence in its highest and most freeing form. 

What would you be doing if you were willing to experience negative emotions? Think about it. What are 3 things you’d do if you became really confident - right now? Not only would you be doing new, scary things. You’d be doing MORE things. A ton more! Your life could change. Pretty much overnight, The people you look up to (or even envy) simply don’t fear negative emotions like being criticized, rejected or unliked as much. And it works in their favor like magic. If you want some of this confidence magic - this video is for you. Let me know in the comments - what is self esteem to you? 

Monday, 20 April 2020

What Real Confidence Looks Like

Confidence



The most confident person in the room might be the last person you’d expect. It’s not the one who talks the most, or the loudest. It’s not the one who strides in wearing the most expensive clothes, or even the one who gives the most polished speech. True confidence is quiet.
It’s about what you do, not what you say.
Look at someone who goes into a job interview wearing something nice, but not exactly Dior. They know what’s up.
It’s easy to confuse confidence with arrogance. The bluntest minds always think they’re the sharpest.
Fake confidence spells big trouble for everyone.
There’s not many things worse than someone pretending to know what they don’t, tricking everyone into believing them, and then wrecking whatever jobs or relationships they’ve been trusted with.
It’s actually not that hard to cultivate real confidence. It starts with a handful of concrete behaviors. Like love, confidence doesn’t emanate from some mysterious place within you. It’s about actions. So how does someone build real confidence, and not the fake kind?

1. They go into a situation prepared

A lack of confidence points to one key thing: you don’t know what you’re doing. That’s fine. Nobody does, not all the time. Nobody gains confidence by sitting around stressing. They come up with a plan.
They do the research. They ask around. They put in the time to figure out what they need to know. They organize. They train. They practice. When the time comes, they’re ready.
And being ready is what makes you confident.
Someone with fake confidence pretends to have a plan, when they don’t. This is otherwise known as lying. Competent people can see right through it, even if they’re too nice to say anything.

2. They dive into new opportunities

You can’t get anywhere without venturing past your green zones. That means applying for jobs that look demanding, or asking someone on a date before you know the answer.
Nobody gains confidence by acting like a daredevil. They just accept that life comes with a certain amount of unavoidable risk.
They don’t hide from the future because they think they’re not qualified for a promotion, or that girl’s out of their league. They take the chance. When they fail, the learn why and go from there.
A bruise to your ego can hurt just as bad as a kick to the shin. Confidence is about feeling the pain, not avoiding it.
Someone with fake confidence has no idea how to do this. They stay within their comfort zones and never get better at anything. They’ll do whatever they can to avoid looking or feeling like a novice or a loser. They never take any real risks, because that requires maturity.

3. They search out feedback, not validation

Nobody gains confidence by always asking for approval and fishing for compliments. They do it by asking for honest feedback from people who are willing to give it to them.
They take the criticism, and build on it.
They get better at what they do. Tracking your own improvement overtime gives you real confidence. The surest way to feel good about yourself is for a mentor or supervisor to say you’re doing a better job.
They also know how to weed out mindless haters and criticism that has no substance. They don’t dwell on it.
Someone with fake confidence surrounds themselves with sycophants. They starve to death on a diet of empty praise.

4. They admit what they don’t know

Nobody gains confidence by knowing everything. Confidence comes from filling holes in your mind with knowledge. You can’t do that if you always pretend to know everything, or live in fear that you’re going to ask a dumb question or somehow expose a weakness.
Confidence comes from experience.
We all start out at zero, and go from there. It’s only healthy to have an accurate, realistic sense of your abilities.
This means admitting that maybe you’re not the smartest person at work, or the most gifted programmer. The only way to continue getting better at what you do is to see how you can get there.
Someone with fake confidence does the opposite. They pretend to know more than they do, and put most of their effort into talking themselves up in front of everyone in their path. The second someone contradicts them, they start back-tracking and flip-flopping.
They’d be so much better off just saying they were wrong.
Confidence doesn’t come from being smarter. But someone who practices confidence comes off that way a lot, just because they listen to experience and expertise, and follow good advice. They don’t waste time focusing on how smart they look, they focus on acquiring knowledge.
Sure, there’s always a jerk or two out there who loves to needle someone who doesn’t have all the answers. That leads to…

5. They keep their cool under pressure

Confidence doesn’t come from always being in control, and everything going exactly according to plan. It comes from knowing that you’re going to screw up, and that life has its own agenda.
You practice confidence by understanding that things go wrong — that’s the norm. And it has nothing to do with you.
There’s usually a partial solution, a workaround, or some way to salvage even the worst situations. This means giving up the perfect vision you had of how your day was going to unfold.
It could mean letting someone help you fix things.
Confidence means not indulging in the meltdown that’s brewing inside your head. It means being scared or worried, even showing it, but also doing what’s expected of you in the moment.
Keeping your cool is all about taking your ego out of the game.
Someone with fake confidence wants to be a superhero. They’re not concerned with their responsibilities, or other people. They only care about how they look. And in their pursuit of glory, that’s when they make their biggest mistakes and the biggest enemies.

Think of confidence as a verb, not a noun

Nobody really “has” confidence, certainly not all the time. Everyone goes through moments of doubt and panic. If you went through every minute of your life feeling bulletproof, you wouldn’t last long. Everyone worries a little at midnight, sometimes about the silliest things.
Nobody forges confidence that we can just slip on like a bat suit. It would be great if it were that easy.
Instead, we demonstrate confidence through actions. We perform acts of confidence, even when we’re feeling nervous. We do it every time we make a plan, take a chance, seek out solid advice, confront our faults, and handle a tough situation because others depend on us.

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Life is an amazing journey to nowhere. jessica.wildfire.writer@gmail.com

Monday, 18 November 2019

The 8 Traits of Highly Confident People

Confidence


They give their best ideas away for free

Nov 12 · 5 min read

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash
Growing up with a speech impediment, I was constantly in awe of confident people. Not only the way they talked, but the way that they moved and made me feel when I was around them.
But it didn’t occur to me until much later that the one quality all my friends seemed to share was great confidence. I must have subconsciously chosen to hide behind them as a way to feel protected, to mask my own insecurities. After all, sometimes the safest place for the quietest kid to sit is behind the strongest.
Fast forward to age 23, when I did something really stupid: I got a sales job. Finding myself in this intimidating environment, I did what I always did and I buddied up with the most confident people in my office. It wasn’t because I grasped the strategic importance of allying myself with well-liked people, it was just out of instinct — find the most confident people and hide among them.
This recurring defensive move has turned out to be the smartest thing I’ve ever unknowingly done. And after decades of doing it, I’ve picked up on a few common characteristics that are consistent in confident people — and in the process — I’ve managed to boost my own confidence. Below are eight of those traits.

The truly confident know they will get what they want out of life in due time. As a result, they don’t run around telling everyone they meet about their grand plans. Instead, they possess an “I can and will learn from everyone” attitude and enjoy nothing more than learning about the perspectives, thoughts, and feelings of the people around them. This is for the simple reason that they like people and they want to do good by them.
Next time you’re in a group setting, take note of who guides the conversation and how: Who asks the most thoughtful questions, and who listens more than they speak? Confident people don’t need to control a conversation. They know their own agenda; they want to learn about the goals, dreams, and passions of the people around them.

Confident people are givers and they are constantly on the look-out to help other people achieve their goals. One way they do this is by sharing their network and connecting like-minded people every chance they get. Not only that, but when it comes to introducing people they take the time do so in a thoughtful way.
How do you feel when someone introduces you like, “You’ve got to meet Todd. He was the guy I was telling you about who has a knack for thinking outside the box.” Pretty incredible right? It’s much better than just, “Hey, this is my colleague Todd.”

In addition, to sharing their network, confident people do not hog their creative insights. In fact, they freely give them away as often as they can.
How can I help Nick solve the problem he is facing? How could Lisa get more eyes on her project? What is Ian missing from moving his business from good to great? Confident people ask themselves these questions because they receive great satisfaction from helping people to reach their goals. Plus, they recognize that life is short, and the best way to see their ideas turn into reality is by giving them to other people.

Confident people know what they want, and they have the gumption to keep fighting for it, even when the odds are stacked heavily against them. Then again, plenty of people do that. What separates the truly confident from the overconfident is their ability to seek out advice from people with varying points of view.
Not only that, but confident people aren’t afraid to change their minds when they are presented with a better alternative. It’s not a question of who’s right or wrong. If there’s a better idea, confident people adopt it, then thank the person for their advice and pay the favor forward.

Confident people fight to get things right. But they also recognize that much of what happens in life is outside their control and they have an almost stoic resolve to let things run their course after they’ve done everything in they can.
Weigh the options. Seek out advice from people you respect from both sides of the aisle. Make a decision. Let things play out. Like most advice this is easy to say and hard to do — but confident people don’t shy away just because something is difficult.

Researchers have found that the congruence between what’s said out loud and what’s communicated without words is crucial for establishing trust.
Confident people understand the importance of this and when you’re in their company you’ll not only see that they’re being attentive, you’ll feel it— in the way they position their bodies and make eye contact. They lean in when they sense something means a great deal to you and they’re not afraid to give a subtle touch when warranted to show you that they truly care for you.

Attention feeds the human appetite on some level for everybody, but the truly confident, as Kareem Abdul Jabbar once put it, just want “to play the game well and go home.”
I recently overheard someone say, “Surely you heard about what I did?” The crowd thinned out pretty quickly after that one. Confident people play for the name on the front of the jersey and deflect most attention onto the team — or onto someone who went unnoticed. They know that sharing the spotlight is far more satisfying than going it alone.

If you know what you want and are on a path to achieving it, what’s stopping you from truly being happy for somebody who fought hard to achieve one of their goals?
Confident people take real pleasure in seeing other people succeed and recognize the importance of supporting others. They remember how they, too, are empowered by others at key times in their lives. After all, being truly happy for other people has this funny way of adding to your own happiness.

Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned, though, is that while we all have fears and flaws, the key is not letting them get in the way of being you and going after what you want.
My friends taught me that, and in turn taught me the true definition of confidence: Taking care of your own and giving them the power to one day take care of others.

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