Growing
up with a speech impediment, I was constantly in awe of confident
people. Not only the way they talked, but the way that they moved and
made me feel when I was around them.
But
it didn’t occur to me until much later that the one quality all my
friends seemed to share was great confidence. I must have subconsciously
chosen to hide behind them as a way to feel protected, to mask my own
insecurities. After all, sometimes the safest place for the quietest kid
to sit is behind the strongest.
Fast
forward to age 23, when I did something really stupid: I got a sales
job. Finding myself in this intimidating environment, I did what I
always did and I buddied up with the most confident people in my office.
It wasn’t because I grasped the strategic importance of allying myself
with well-liked people, it was just out of instinct — find the most
confident people and hide among them.
This
recurring defensive move has turned out to be the smartest thing I’ve
ever unknowingly done. And after decades of doing it, I’ve picked up on a
few common characteristics that are consistent in confident people —
and in the process — I’ve managed to boost my own confidence. Below are
eight of those traits.
1. They avoid pressing their own agenda
The
truly confident know they will get what they want out of life in due
time. As a result, they don’t run around telling everyone they meet
about their grand plans. Instead, they possess an “I can and will learn
from everyone” attitude and enjoy nothing more than learning about the
perspectives, thoughts, and feelings of the people around them. This is
for the simple reason that they like people and they want to do good by
them.
Next
time you’re in a group setting, take note of who guides the
conversation and how: Who asks the most thoughtful questions, and who
listens more than they speak? Confident people don’t need to control a
conversation. They know their own agenda; they want to learn about the
goals, dreams, and passions of the people around them.
2. They proactively connect others
Confident
people are givers and they are constantly on the look-out to help other
people achieve their goals. One way they do this is by sharing their
network and connecting like-minded people every chance they get. Not
only that, but when it comes to introducing people they take the time do
so in a thoughtful way.
How
do you feel when someone introduces you like, “You’ve got to meet Todd.
He was the guy I was telling you about who has a knack for thinking
outside the box.” Pretty incredible right? It’s much better than just,
“Hey, this is my colleague Todd.”
3. They share their ideas freely
In
addition, to sharing their network, confident people do not hog their
creative insights. In fact, they freely give them away as often as they
can.
How
can I help Nick solve the problem he is facing? How could Lisa get more
eyes on her project? What is Ian missing from moving his business from
good to great? Confident people ask themselves these questions because
they receive great satisfaction from helping people to reach their
goals. Plus, they recognize that life is short, and the best way to see
their ideas turn into reality is by giving them to other people.
4. They persevere intelligently
Confident
people know what they want, and they have the gumption to keep fighting
for it, even when the odds are stacked heavily against them. Then
again, plenty of people do that. What separates the truly confident from
the overconfident is their ability to seek out advice from people with varying points of view.
Not
only that, but confident people aren’t afraid to change their minds
when they are presented with a better alternative. It’s not a question
of who’s right or wrong. If there’s a better idea, confident people
adopt it, then thank the person for their advice and pay the favor
forward.
5. They don’t get hung up on things that are outside their control
Confident
people fight to get things right. But they also recognize that much of
what happens in life is outside their control and they have an almost
stoic resolve to let things run their course after they’ve done
everything in they can.
Weigh
the options. Seek out advice from people you respect from both sides of
the aisle. Make a decision. Let things play out. Like most advice this
is easy to say and hard to do — but confident people don’t shy away just
because something is difficult.
6. Their verbal and non-verbal cues line up
Researchers have found that the congruence between what’s said out loud and what’s communicated without words is crucial for establishing trust.
Confident
people understand the importance of this and when you’re in their
company you’ll not only see that they’re being attentive, you’ll feel
it— in the way they position their bodies and make eye contact. They
lean in when they sense something means a great deal to you and they’re
not afraid to give a subtle touch when warranted to show you that they
truly care for you.
7. They don’t seek approval from others
Attention
feeds the human appetite on some level for everybody, but the truly
confident, as Kareem Abdul Jabbar once put it, just want “to play the
game well and go home.”
I
recently overheard someone say, “Surely you heard about what I did?”
The crowd thinned out pretty quickly after that one. Confident people
play for the name on the front of the jersey and deflect most attention
onto the team — or onto someone who went unnoticed. They know that
sharing the spotlight is far more satisfying than going it alone.
8. They celebrate the success of others
If
you know what you want and are on a path to achieving it, what’s
stopping you from truly being happy for somebody who fought hard to
achieve one of their goals?
Confident
people take real pleasure in seeing other people succeed and recognize
the importance of supporting others. They remember how they, too, are
empowered by others at key times in their lives. After all, being truly
happy for other people has this funny way of adding to your own
happiness.
Perhaps
the biggest lesson I’ve learned, though, is that while we all have
fears and flaws, the key is not letting them get in the way of being you
and going after what you want.
My friends taught me that, and in turn taught me the true definition of confidence: Taking care of your own and giving them the power to one day take care of others.
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