Showing posts with label judgement. Show all posts

Tuesday, 8 June 2021

5 scripts to help you deflect nosy questions, stop advice-givers, fend off criticism and more

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Boundaries are a process. There’s no magic pill that ensures a perfect execution — but the tools and scripts that follow will help you create a foundation to build on.

As you try them out, keep the words that work for you, practice them and open your mind to the vast options for responding mindfully, constructively and truthfully. The more integrated the words become, the less you’ll have to think. Truth will come out of your mouth with ease (and maybe even speed). Eventually you’ll find that sweet spot of healthy assertiveness — not too passive and not too aggressive.

Especially in the beginning, give yourself permission to set boundaries messily, badly or while sweating profusely. What matters most is that you do it.

Script #1: What to say when someone asks you something you’re just not sure about

As you start to flex your boundary muscles, pause to take stock of what you truly desire, especially if you’re prone to auto-accommodating and over-functioning. It can often be helpful to buy yourself more time to assess the situation and figure out specifically what you want.

Here are a few ways to do that:

● “I need a minute to regroup. Can we pick this up in a half hour?”
● “Can we chat about this later today, after I’ve had more time to think about it?” Once you’ve reflected, you can serve up a clear, charge-free “no”, depending on the context.
● To a friend who wants you to go to a dinner that sounds shoot-me-now painful: “I’m going to say no to dinner, but I’d love to catch up another time.”
● To the colleague who wants you to help with a project that’s beyond the scope of your specialty, interest or duty: “I can’t, unfortunately. But once I finish up my current deadline, I’ll circle back to see if there’s a way I can support you.”

You don’t owe anyone your personal information, especially not to satisfy their curiosity.

Script #2: What to say to deflect nosy questions

Often, my clients and students believe that they owe other people explanations and answers about anything and everything. In reality, you’re under no obligation to respond to nosy questions, even if they’re not overtly offensive. You don’t owe anyone your personal information, especially not to satisfy their curiosity.

Here are a few ways to sidestep nosy questions:

● To someone who asks how much money you make: “Trust me, not even close to what I’m worth.”
● To someone who asks about your love life: “I’d rather not discuss it right now. When I have news to share, I’ll let you know.”
● To a colleague who asks what you plan to do with your day off: “That’s why they call it a personal day!” or “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

If the person persists, repeat your stock answer. Depending on the relationship and level of aggression, you can add, “And that’s all I have to say.”

Script #3: What to say when someone is giving you unsolicited advice

If you want to share news or a personal dilemma with a friend, relative or colleague who is often quick to give you their opinion, you can set them up for success by starting with a qualifier, such as:

● “I have a situation I want to share with you. Can you just listen with compassion, please?”
● “I want to share what is going on for me and I ask that you simply listen without offering advice or criticism. I’d really appreciate that.”

If you forget to use one of those qualifiers or worry that they’re too confrontational, you can still halt their auto-advice — ‘cause you know it’s coming — with:

● “At the moment, I’m not looking for feedback. I would love it if you could just lend a compassionate ear.”

And in relationships — especially long-standing ones where the other party has a well-established fixer role — you might want to offer more context about what you’re striving for:

● “I love that you are always game to help me out. What I’d appreciate right now is for you to listen and have faith I’ll come to the answer on my own.”

Do not allow anyone to use their so-called “truth” as a stick to beat you with. Your truth is the one that matters most.

Script #4: What to say when someone is judgmental or critical of you

Veiled criticism can be worded in a way that sounds helpful or caring, but if your body wisdom starts to pipe up, you know that their judgment is crossing a line. When a friend, family member or coworker makes a rude comment and then says, “I’m just being honest,” you may feel inclined to accept their words, even though they make you feel bad.

I say: Don’t.

Someone who gives you genuinely constructive criticism is actually rooting for you — they care about you, and they’re initiating a hard conversation to clue you in to something important. If you respect this person and know them to be genuine, you will likely be open to their feedback.

But comments about how you wore the wrong dress or how bad your hair looks? Not constructive. The next time someone tells you how unflattering your jeans are or reminds you of a less-than-stellar track record in love, you can say:

● “I don’t recall asking you.”
● “What you call ‘honesty’, I call you ‘giving me your unsolicited opinion and criticism’. Please don’t.”

If you are in a relationship with someone who hides behind the “just being honest” shield, don’t put yourself in the line of fire. For example, if your super-negative friend says, “You got your hair cut,” do not open the door for her to give you an insult by asking her, “Do you like it?” You can simply reply, “Yes, I did.”

Do not allow anyone to use their so-called “truth” as a stick to beat you with. When it comes to your life, your truth is the one that matters most.

Script #5: What to say when a line has been crossed

The number-one challenge I see with my clients and students is uncertainty about how to tell someone that they’ve crossed a line. Often, if you can open up a conversation, the rest will flow. Quickly alerting the other person to your feelings, concerns, or objections can stop an easily corrected misstep or misunderstanding from turning into something more.

Here are some basic conversation starters that will help you get the ball rolling:

● “I thought you should know . . .”
● “I wanted to bring something to your attention. The other day, I felt uncomfortable when . . .”
● “I need to share my experience of what went down, because I’d like you to understand how I feel and where I am coming from . . .”
● “I want you to be aware of my feelings about what happened . . .”

One of my go-to formulas that I have been using and teaching for many years, for expressing when a boundary has been violated, is a four-part nonviolent communication process. It was originated by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD in his seminal book by the same name.

Here’s a quick summary:

“When I see/experience ______________, I feel ______________ because my need for ______________ is not met. Would you be willing to ______________?”

This process is effective because you’re not calling names or making judgments. You are helping the other party understand how you feel and communicating the specific action that will alleviate your upset. As with all of these scripts or suggestions, you can use this framework and make it your own.

Thursday, 15 April 2021

How to Cope With Being Underestimated

Being Underestimated

Photo by Josh Mills on Unsplash

It’s all too easy to doubt yourself when others underestimate you, but with a bit of awareness you can retain your confidence.

By Vivian Manning-Schaffel

Mar 31, 2021

So many of us feel underestimated all day, every day. Either through subtle shade or overt obnoxiousness, it’s a sobering smack in the face when someone makes it clear they don’t expect much from you. It can play out in so many scenarios, both personally and professionally. You’re excellent at your work, but the gatekeepers refuse to crack open the door for you, pay you your worth, or acknowledge your potential. Your own parents can’t believe you got your act together and made the dean’s List. Some of your friends seem genuinely surprised when you meet someone great or when you get promoted.

This kind of microaggression could be triggered by racism, gender, age, socioeconomic circumstances, personality differences, competitive nonsense, or all of the above, but, regardless of one’s motivation, it is painful to receive such messages.

When people underestimate us, they saddle us with negative assumptions that can be destabilizing and can make us question our own abilities, says Michelle Golland, a clinical psychologist based in New York and Los Angeles. “It’s traumatic to be underestimated — it’s a trauma to self-identity. It’s like being told or shown you’re not legitimate.”

As a Black woman pursuing her postdoctorate degree at Harvard Medical School, Monica O’Neal, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert based in Boston, says she sometimes felt underestimated. “I performed very well, much to the chagrin of some of my classmates who couldn’t understand why I was performing so well. They were like, ‘Exactly how did you get that?’ It was terribly painful. But I was also aware of how racist it was. I think the thing that allowed me to get through, to still be successful and not take my foot off the gas, is because I had a sense of purpose, and I was passionate about what it was that I wanted to do.”

She mentions decades of studies that show how implicit bias, and the feeling of being underestimated due to race, negatively impacted the performance of children in school. For example, a recent study led by Harvard researcher Mark Chin revealed how teachers’ implicit bias led to unequal student outcomes.

Arlan Hamilton Wants to Help You Thrive

A strong sense of purpose is also what drove Arlan Hamilton, founder and managing partner of Backstage Capital, a venture-capital company that invests solely in female-identifying, People of Color, and LGBTQ+ founders (she’s all three) to bust through the many obstacles she faced when launching Backstage while homeless. She knows what it means to be underestimated — she even wrote a book called It’s About Damn Time: How to Turn Being Underestimated Into Your Greatest Asset to inspire others who want to succeed in spite of what they’re being shown or told about themselves.

“The only difference between the people who have become millionaires and billionaires with their tech companies, who are mostly white men, and the rest of us is in marketing, basically,” Hamilton explains. “They were told that they were Superman at 3 years old. We were not.”

Whether we realize it or not, a perceived lack of faith from those who know us, teach us, or pay us can seep deeply into our state of mind and can be difficult to detach from. But there are some tools that can help.

Shake off what others put on you

O’Neal says, when being underestimated, it’s important to recognize that the reality of the situation has nothing to do with your internal capabilities. “Sometimes, it is about your race or your gender, and having that be a clear part of the narrative frees you up from internalizing because you’re not the one falling short. Everyone’s expectation of you is falling short. If you can be aware and say to yourself, ‘I feel some insecurity because I feel like other people might judge me based on my race (or age or gender),’ that can help you not be as impacted by it,” she says.

Connect with your sense of purpose

Hamilton says sometimes, even if she doesn’t close the deal, just getting into the room to vie for the deal reaffirms her sense of purpose. “The thing that helps me, especially if I know I may not get the yes on something, if I’m the only one in the room, is to think about who it could help — does my being in that room make it easier for the next person to be in that room who looks like me?” Hamilton says. “I call it loosening the pickle jar. I go into the room; I ask for a promotion. If I don’t get the promotion, maybe, just maybe, I made it a little bit easier for that next person who is going to come in, who is five years younger than I am, or who is five years older than I am, and looks like me.”

Consider what you can control

Karen Palmer, a leadership coach based in Brooklyn, says we can’t control how others think and behave, so when you’re feeling underestimated, it helps to focus on what you can control within yourself.

“Take that deep breath and acknowledge what you already know to be good about yourself, because we so often look for external validation,” Palmer says. “If we can start examining our own values, look at what’s important, and how we’re showing up in our own lives, we can realize how we show up for that also affects what gets attracted to us.”

Expand your social circle

Palmer says when you’re feeling underestimated professionally, breaking away from insular social circles and reaching beyond your job or industry to connect with others in new ways can help set you on a more positive path in a new (even if virtual) atmosphere.

“Even in our crazy Covid Zoom lives, it helps to join in some kind of intellectual group that is not connected to your job, so you can have a different way of relating to people that actually demonstrates you have something else to offer,” she says. “If you are only looking through the lens of the people who have already found you wanting, all that does is fight your own perception of yourself.”

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Rally strategic support

O’Neal agrees it helps to align yourself with supportive people who are also working diligently toward similar goals. “Think about being around other women who are driven, who are wanting to do more, who are competitive in a way that propels one another forward — not competitive because they’re insecure about their own ability to achieve,” she explains. “You need to have friends who say, ‘You know what? You can do it. I know you can do it. I have faith in you. I’m sure it’ll be hard, but I’ll be here to give you a Gatorade break — keep running forward.’”

rear view of affectionate sisters sitting on log at park during sunny day

Make sure you surround yourself with people who support you.

MaskotGetty Images

Play the long game

Devoted to her goal of starting Backstage, Hamilton pressed on toward her dream in spite of the naysayers. “I found myself sleeping at an airport and going to meetings during the day, and that same year I got my first investor to take me seriously,” she says. “I always said if I can get one person on my side, I can do this. I just needed that one ‘yes.’” That yes and a lot of drive led Hamilton to the cover of Fast Company.

Though the process felt like “pushing a hill up a hill,” Hamilton committed to a long view for her vision. “Because I think of things in decades — not months or weeks or years — I was ready for that, and I am ready for it. That’s not to say that I think that things can casually get better. I don’t like to stand by and watch things casually find their way,” she says.

Don’t underestimate your value

“Impostor syndrome is something that has been put on us to gaslight us,” Hamilton says. “They can send it to you, but don’t sign for it. We know so many people who are supposed to be where they are, and they’re doing just fine. For Black women specifically, whatever you’re being paid, it’s a discount. Whatever the amount. When you think about readjusting where you fit in, or where you’re placed, you have to be the first person to put yourself in the right place — to say, ‘I’m supposed to be up here. I just happen to be down here.’ I think that’s a good start.”

Be angry

“Anger, redemption, and revenge are very good motivators when you’re underestimated. They’re healthy parts of ourselves,” says Golland. “Once you realize that person is trying to shame, gaslight, or humiliate you (by underestimating you), once you know that, it’s very easy.” She adds turning the tables in the moment can check the underestimating offender right into place.

“Actually say, ‘Huh, that’s interesting.’ Or ‘We’re going to have to agree to disagree.’ It makes them uncomfortable because you’re not caretaking their assumption about you,” she says.

In the end, Hamilton says, success is the best naysayer payback. “Sometimes, I don’t even want to knock them out when they’re down because it’s the same people,” she says. “You may have been looking up to them, and they may have been looking down on you, and a couple of years go by, and they’re exactly the same place they were doing the same thing to people who are less fortunate.” Just think, once you’ve lapped your naysayers, you can watch their karma play out with some popcorn.

Vivian Manning-Schaffel is a multifaceted storyteller whose work has been featured in The Cut, NBC News Better, Time Out New York, Medium and The Week. Follow her on Twitter @soapboxdirty.

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