The Happiness Project: Finding Joy in Tough Times

Happiness 

Click the link above to read the full article:

This is a very long article but has some valuable advice how different people deal with hard times! 

 

In a time like this, what does happiness look like? A dozen culture-shapers offer their very personal perspectives on searching for joy and finding meaning in life.

By Chris Heath

January 25, 2021

Illustration by Keir Novesky

• 
  

Happiness—and, at times, its absence—sits right in the center of so much that we do. We refer to it constantly in passing—as a goal, a state of mind, an outcome, an invocation, and so on—and we tend to do so as though we know exactly what we are talking about, and as though we know for certain that everyone else around us is talking about the same thing. But do we? And are they?

Although this article isn't about the strange and troubling year that we have just been through, it was, in part, inspired by it. At the height of the first lockdown—when people found themselves sundered, fending off unexpected anxieties and fears—I found myself thinking about happiness, and noticing from our collective distanced conversation just how individual, idiosyncratic, and mysterious our ideas of happiness seem to be.

I wanted to dig deeper into exactly that—into the very different and often contradictory ways we talk about, search for, and experience happiness. To that end, I spoke to 12 very different people. All of them are famous in some way, and each was chosen as a person with interesting life experiences who might articulate a distinct viewpoint. There is a youthful singer-songwriter (Phoebe Bridgers), an acclaimed new playwright (Jeremy O. Harris), a World Series-winning baseball player (Mookie Betts), a TV presenter and comedian (Samantha Bee), an actor recently turned TV show host (Drew Barrymore), two very different venerated actors in their later years (Anthony Hopkins, Goldie Hawn), a rapper (Roddy Ricch), a comedian who rebuilt his career after tragedy (Tracy Morgan), an activist who spent much of the previous decade in jail (Chelsea Manning), a film director and artist (David Lynch), and a writer (Roxane Gay). They were not, for the most part, selected as people who I expected to have any particular expertise on the subject of happiness, other than the expertise that we all have by virtue of having been either happy or not happy in our lives.

The 7 Most Enviable Human Traits

Life 

 

Qualities that will make (or break) your life.

Karen Nimmo

6 days ago·4 min read

What do you want to be when you grow up?

That’s a question we’re all asked as kids. The trouble is, for most of us it never really goes away. In our 20s, 30s, 40s and up, we’re still asking it.

Because even when you get the job right — you have work you love/enjoy (or at least can stand) the question changes from what do you want to be to WHO to you want to be.

I’ve studied this for a long time, picking up the gold nuggets from all sorts of people along the way. Interestingly, they have not been the richest people, or the most famous, or those with the coolest clothes.

They have just been people who possess those sneaky, almost imperceptible, qualities that ensure they lead lives of contentment.

Here’s how they do it.

1. They don’t take things personally.

“I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.” — Margaret Thatcher

It’s a great sadness (and waste) that we spend half our lives worrying about what others think of us and taking their judgments to heart. The trick to not taking things personally is to understand their critiques are not about you — nothing is. Because everyone is operating from their own belief system, borne of their background and experience. And that can make people narrow, weird and more than a little mean.

2. They‘re not defined by their story.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” — Albert Einstein

They know, and understand, their own story, or at least as much of it as is possible to know. But they don’t keep looking back over their shoulders. They don’t keep raising the past — their upbringing, parents or experiences — as the reason for the way their lives are now (even if it is a really, really good one). They know the best way of shaping their lives is to take charge of their own actions — and they focus on that, daily.

3. They let their best be Good Enough.

“The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection.” — George Orwell

Arguably, the most commonly heard phrase in therapy is “I’m not good enough”. Of course it comes in many different packages but the bottom line is that it makes people feel inadequate, that they don’t hold a valid place in the world.

The smartest amongst us don’t handcuff their efforts with unreachable standards. They set their goals for themselves, not the masses on Instagram or LinkedIn. They know when to pivot. When to step back and learn. When to quit. They know their own version of best is Good Enough.

4. They jump — not stupidly — but they jump.

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”
― Helen Keller

They’re not afraid to take risks. They’ll jump. Not scarily or insanely or in a way that hurts others. But they will venture into the unknown without guarantee of a soft landing. And that leads them into a life of Great Adventure. Or at least one that’s never boring.

5. They let others live on their own terms.

“You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you.” — Miguel Ruiz

They don’t get caught in the trap of judging others, which means they don’t say (or tweet) mean things. They have their own thoughts and beliefs but they only spread those that don’t hurt others.

They don’t confuse worry with love. They stand back and let the people they love make their own choices. Even if it’s hard. Even if they KNOW they’re doing the wrong thing. Even if they’re twitching to interfere.

They believe in live and live let live. That all sorts of humans make up the world. That they only person they have full ownership of is the one in the mirror.

6. They have infinite capacity to love.

“Love with no boundaries. Your future depends on your capacity to love.” — Paulo Coelho

To go through life with an open and loving heart is not easy — because people will take potshots at you, that old heart of yours will get banged up a bit — by lovers and partners and friends and family and kids. By life, too. Life can be a bit mean when it decides to be. But to hold onto a loving, generous spirit, no matter what your circumstances, will define your life.

7. They live the width of their lives (as well as the length of them).

“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” — Diane Ackerman

None of us comes into the world with a certified end date. All we have is the beginning, the knowledge that life will end and a mandate to operate as well as we can in the gap. Which is way harder than it sounds.

Those who have it sorted worry less about the length of life and more about the quality of it. They fill it with meaning at all ages and stages. If you study people you’ll know who I mean. They’re the people with light in their eyes, who — when their time is up — are not afraid. They can rest easy, knowing they made the most of the trip.

Ikigai: The Most Misunderstood Secret to A Happy Life

Happiness

Who wouldn’t want to live a life where they are rich, passionate, talented, and changing the world? It sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Yet it’s unrealistic and not the only way to live a life of meaning.

The Japanese have a beautiful concept to guide their lives called ikigai. I learned it from karate masters on the beautiful Japanese islands of Okinawa. Researchers have claimed ikigai is the reason why the islands have the highest density of 100-year-olds in the world.

Ikigai is the reason to be and reason to live.

I want to demystify ikigai for you to help you live your version of your best life. I will clear the confusion of the Western understanding and make you realize it’s within your reach.

---

Ikigai is Not Four Circles

Now ikigai is most famous in the West for a four circle Venn diagram. The internet is full of claims it is about finding a perfect sweet spot between:

• What you love
• What you care about
• What the world needs
• What you can get paid for

Left: Winn, Marc. Ikigai Venn Diagram. What’s Your Ikigai?, The View Inside Me, May 14, 2014, http://theviewinside.me/what-is-your-ikigai/. Right: Zuzunaga, Andres. Proposito. 2011, https://www.cosmograma.com/proposito.php

This could be great advice but it’s nonsense to call it ikigai. The diagram creator, Marc Winn, admitted he watched one TED talk then changed one word on another concept. The famous ikigai diagram is really psychological astrologer Andres Zuzunaga’s theory of purpose!

So if you’ve been following this model, thank Zuzunaga and stop calling it ikigai. Awkward right?

Now let us explore how to promote your reason for living.

---

Your Ikigai Doesn’t Need to Make You Rich

Your career does not need to be your ikigai. Many books have hijacked the concept and sold it as career advice. There is more to life than work!

In a large study, only 31% of Japanese people who said they had an ikigai said it was work-related. Bear in mind Japan has one of the most extreme workaholic cultures in the world. They even have a word for death by overwork, karoshi! Hobbies, family, and friends all scored higher than work when asked about their ideal ikigai.

Some of the greatest living instructors taught me karate in Okinawa. For weeks I spent 4 hours training every day in the sweltering heat. Do you know how much it cost? $20 to help pay for the upkeep of the dojo. The people who taught me refused any payment except for a box of matcha flavored treats. Sensei Kinjo explained they are here because of the joy it brings our lives, not for money.

They all had other normal jobs such as being teachers, policemen, and postmen. They could choose to make a living from their skill but it would spoil it for them. Addiction to monetizing everything can get in the way of our ikigai. Stop to think about whether keeping your passion as a hobby adds more value to your life.

Many elderly Okinawan women were housewives. Their ikigai was their family and a close group of friends. Would you dare to tell them their lives had no purpose because they didn’t make money?

If your career is the reason you get up in the morning then awesome. Yet if it’s not, there’s no need to despair. It is okay for work to just allow you to make the most of what you do enjoy.

---

Your Ikigai Doesn’t Need to be Found

If you take only one thing from reading this, let it be the knowledge your purpose in life is not floating in the air waiting to be caught. Your reason to live comes from inside and you decide what it is.

Self-doubt plagues even some of my most successful friends. Why? Because they haven’t found the magical purpose they read about. The idea something is out there to make our lives perfect is a lie. It’s comforting to begin with but destructive when the chase seems eternal.

I wonder how many of the Okinawan masters knew at the age of 3 when they started this would be their reason to live. I think you know the answer. Our purpose can come into our lives accidentally and we grow to love it.

My day job in the tech industry puts fire in my belly now but I was sure I wanted to work in a bank when I was younger. It doesn’t mean I am free from the odd mundane task. Yet I make a game out of these to create challenges and enjoyment.

Stop seeking to do what you enjoy, instead enjoy what you do. It’s a simple mindset shift yet so powerful. What is a task you hate? How can you make it more enjoyable?

We should be mindful that doing more of what we enjoy doesn’t always mean we will be happier. A passion for running doesn’t mean it needs to dominate your life. Running 5km at the weekend is not the same as the brutal schedule of a professional runner. You may already have the ingredients for your perfect life. You just need to allow your senses to guide you to the right proportions.

---

Your Ikigai can be Multidimensional

The idea of one pure purpose in life is enticing. Yet most of us don’t live like this and we can find joy in many parts of our lives.

Is a happy person cheating on their ikigai if they love their family and their work? Of course not. We want different areas of our lives to be reasons for us to get up. This gives us stability so our peace is not fragile. A person who finds joy in different areas of their lives will rarely fail to jump out of bed.

In martial arts circles, there is a weird purity argument where people want to prove their style is the best. Yet the Okinawan karate masters themselves train in karate, kobudo, and judo. After training, I have seen for myself they also love the company of their friends and some cheeky karaoke!

Titans of humanity such as Nelson Mandela may be used to argue a single life purpose is important. When we dive a bit deeper, Nelson Mandela had many things to give his daily life meaning. He did an exercise routine and cranked out hundreds of push-ups even at an advanced age. He had letters and visits from his family. He shared his prison sentence with some of his closest friends.

There is an obsession with making sacrifices to be happy. Often this is to take one of our purposes to the extreme and to “grow”. You can have a family, friends, hobbies and a happy career. When making sacrifices, it is best to first pause and self-reflect.

Imagine your daily life when you’ve reached your goals. Does this lifestyle align with what you enjoy? I’m guilty of thinking about a single event where I would feel happy rather than the daily routine. If you can see your days will be full of enjoyment then steam forwards.

---

Your Ikigai can Change

Change is the only constant in life. It makes sense what gets us out of bed when we are children is different from when we are elderly.

We must allow our purpose to evolve when our situation changes. Our body physically changes over time but so does the way we view the world. Maybe parkour gives you a reason to wake up when you are young but it won’t go too well for you when you aren’t. When we cling onto our past selves, we can’t enjoy the present moment.

In Okinawa, I trained with people who were monsters in their physical prime. This was the place the most dangerous man in all of Japan learned his craft. Their focus shifted with age from the ecstasy of their training to the delight of students growing. Before they trained to be the best in the world and now the best in the world come to train with them.

In Homo Deus, Yuval Noah Hariri explains our authentic self is a rationalization our brain creates from a series of events. We can change anything including our principles. A person who hates animals, can later in life have a pet which lights up their day. I can confess I thought I would never do yoga because I wasn’t that type of person. Now it is a key part of my life.

Don’t limit yourself out of loyalty to a person you no longer are. It’s ok to accept you’ve changed as isn’t this part of the whole point of growth? Allow yourself to try new things and who knows it could be a source of ikigai for decades to come.

---

Your Ikigai can be Simple

Your ikigai isn’t about impressing other people. You don’t need to shout it at everyone you meet. It’s what is important to you not who other people would like you to be. Not everyone can be an Olympic athlete or billionaire.

Ken Mogi, a neuroscientist, makes ‘the joy of little things’ one of his pillars of ikigai. Yukari Mishuhashi, a journalist, says you can uncover your ikigai by asking simple questions:

• What brings happiness to my everyday life?
• What puts a smile on my face just thinking about it?
• What would I continue to do even if I had enough money to live happily ever after?

One of the instructors in Okinawa was a postman. How many of you dream of being a postman? Yet he loved his life. He was active and saw the city every day. He would stop for a chat when he delivered to his friends’ houses or passed by someone he knew. So many of us chase career success to make us happy but I wonder how many of us are happier than this postman.

For the Japanese, ikigai can be a practice in gratitude. We can tend to get caught in what we don’t have yet rather than what we do. Many of us won’t need to make drastic life changes to enjoy ikigai. All we need to do is give value to what is already in our lives without shame.

Don’t compare yourselves to others when working out what wakes you up in the morning. Enjoy the simple things in life such as a gentle walk or good book. Be grateful for the small things and you’re less likely to lose your head in the clouds.

---

All You Need to Know

If you had heard of ikigai before, I hope I’ve changed your mind on what it is. For those new to the concept, I hope I’ve given you the freedom to express yourself away from the toxic rules society can impose on us.

I don’t know who you are but I know you have a reason to live. I know your life has value. You already had ikigai but now I hope you are more conscious of it and don’t let it slip.

Here’s my ikigai cheat sheet:

• Ikigai is not four circles
• Your ikigai doesn’t need to make you rich
• Your ikigai doesn’t need to be found
• Your ikigai can be multidimensional
• Your ikigai can change
• Your ikigai can be simple

Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day!

---

Written by

Amardeep Parmar

★ Polymath & relentless learner ★ 7x Top Writer focussed on Personal Growth and Writing ★ 300k+ views Quora & Medium 2020 ★ Mod @ Medium Dreamers

3 Core Beliefs Crippling Your Happiness

Are Your Beliefs Holding You Back

Deep down, many of us feel that we’re not as happy as we could be:

• We feel stuck living a life we don’t want.
• We feel ashamed for past mistakes, uncertain of how to let them go.
• We feel caught in cycles of addiction and dependence, wanting desperately to move on but always seeming to fall back.
• We’ve let go of our dreams and wonder if we’ll ever get them back.
• We worry about the future despite knowing it does little beyond adding to our anxieties.

Unfortunately, simply understanding that you’re unhappy isn’t enough — you need to understand the root cause of your unhappiness to move on with your life.

While I don’t claim to understand everybody’s unhappiness — not by a long shot — my work as a therapist has given me some insights into ebasic patterns of unhappiness. But these patterns can be difficult to see because they exist on a barely conscious level — the level of core beliefs.

Core beliefs are rules or operating instructions for our lives. They’re often established very early in childhood and rarely identified or updated, which means we end up carrying them into adulthood, along with all the emotional baggage they contain.

In the rest of this article, I’ll introduce you to three of the most common core beliefs that are at the root of many people’s unhappiness. If you can learn to identify them in your own life, it’s possible to find a level of happiness you may never have known possible.

---

I need to feel good to do hard things.

Motivation is a funny thing. When you’ve got it — when you’re energized, enthusiastic, and really “feeling it” — it’s like you can do anything:

• Go for a run at 5:00 a.m.? No problem!
• Learn to play guitar? Let’s do this!
• Order a kale salad for lunch instead of that burrito? Done!
• Make some serious changes to my marriage? Yes, I’m up for it!

But, when you’re not feeling motivated — when you’re feeling sluggish, lazy, and apathetic — it’s as if you can’t do anything:

• Literally getting out of bed and into the shower feels like a Herculean effort of will.
• Learning guitar is a pipe dream I should have given up years ago.
• Not only am I getting the burrito, but I’ll take extra guac, some chips, and that fudge brownie too.
• And as for my marriage… What’s the point? It’ll always be like this.

For better or worse, motivation is a powerful force in our lives. It can push us to literally achieve our wildest dreams and its absence can discourage us from taking even the tinniest step toward them.

But here’s a little secret most people don’t know:

Your motivation problem has nothing to do with motivation itself and everything to do with your beliefs about what motivation is.

Most people believe motivation is a gift — something the universe generously bestows on us from time to time, and more frequently, withholds. They believe that with this gift, they’re capable of great things. But without it, they’re destined to mediocrity or failure.

Of course, it’s true that occasionally we do feel “hit” by motivation and unexpectedly energized to take difficult action. But this is only part of the story.

The relationship between motivation and action is a two-way street: Feeling good makes it easier to accomplish hard things. But doing hard things leads to feeling good.

Happy people believe that motivation is built not bestowed — that’s it’s something largely under their control.

They know that the best way to accomplish their most important goals and aspirations — from losing weight to building a satisfying marriage — is to generate a steady stream of motivation for themselves by doing difficult but meaningful things regardless of how they feel.

As you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking to yourself:

Yeah, yeah, that sounds like a nice idea — and sure, maybe it’s true — but in the moment, it’s just too hard. I tell my body we’re going for a run this morning, but my body says “like hell we are!” and rolls back under the covers.

I get it: understanding all this isn’t going to change anything. And that’s because changing your core belief about the nature of motivation isn’t fundamentally an intellectual problem; it’s an experiential one.

You need to prove to yourself that it’s possible to do difficult things without feeling motivated. And like any difficult challenge, you need to start small and work up, gradually building your confidence along the way.

Here’s an example:

Let’s say you want to work on exercising first thing in the morning. Trying to jump out of bed and go for a 3-mile jog right off the bat is probably not a great idea. Instead, just focus on getting up 15 minutes earlier than usual — don’t even think about exercise at this point. Simply prove to yourself that you can consistently get out of bed a little earlier than planned.

Once you can do that, get out of bed 30 minutes earlier. Then move on to doing 5 pushups first thing in the morning. Then 3 sets of five. Once you’ve got that down, try going for a walk for 10 minutes around the block each morning. Then 20 minutes. Once you’re doing that, mix in a couple 5-minute segments of jogging into your walk. You get the idea…

Happy people set challenging goals and work toward them regardless of how they feel. And they’re happy precisely because of their belief that motivation follows action, not the other way around.

If you want to be happier, don’t wait around for motivation to strike. Learn to build it yourself.

---

I need to be tough on myself to be successful.

Many people grow up believing what I call the Drill Sergeant Theory of Motivation.

This is the idea that in order to achieve anything significant in life — from good grades to football championships — we have to be tough on ourselves. And usually, this takes the form of harsh and judgmental self-talk:

• After getting an A- on a test instead of the A+ you hoped for, you immediately kick yoursef: I knew I should have studied for that extra hour. I’m so lazy. I better get my act together or I’ll never get into MIT.
• While prepping for an interview for a new position at work, you say to yourself: You better not screw this up. This position only comes up once every few years. Don’t say anything stupid!
• Following a rough day with the kids, you start berating yourself for being a lousy mom: Why can’t you just be a little more patient with them?! If you were a better mom, they probably wouldn’t be acting out so much and all of this would be way easier.

When your core belief is that success only comes from being tough on yourselves, it’s easy to fall into a habit of negative self-talk and all the depression, anxiety, and misery that goes with it.

But here’s the thing:

Successful people are a success despite their negative self-talk, not because of it.

How do I know this, you say?

For years in my job as a therapist, I’ve been working with high-achieving folks who believe unfailingly that they need to be hard on themselves or else they’ll “lose their edge.”

But the price they pay for this belief is steep: A near-constant inner monologue reminding them of how they’re not good enough and never work hard enough, which is crushing them with anxiety and stress.

The solution for these people is the same: I encourage them to experiment (in small ways at first) with giving up this belief that if they’re not hard on themselves they’ll stop achieving and being successful.

The results are striking:

Never once have I seen someone actually perform worse because they stopped beating themselves up.

In fact, the vast majority of the time, their performance (and happiness) increases sharply!

They realize that not only are their fears of “losing their edge” unfounded, but actually they have much more energy and enthusiasm to channel into their work and lives when they’re not stuck under the weight of chronic self-judgment.

But as is true of all core beliefs, letting them go is not an intellectual problem; it’s a behavioral one. To change your core belief about success, you need to prove to yourself that you will still be successful without your inner drill sergeant.

But for many people, that’s a terrifying idea. Because for years this core belief has served as a kind of safety blanket, assuaging their fears of being unsuccessful or not good enough. To take it off and strive for success without it requires a great deal of courage.

And courage has to be built — slowly and gradually over time.

So start small. Try thinking of little experiments you could run to test out this idea that you’ll remain successful without all your negative self-talk and self-judgment. For example, you might go into that weekly sales meeting Monday morning without any of your usual “pep-talking” and see what happens.

A sign of emotional maturity is that we let go of old habits that no longer serve us well, no matter how much we thought we needed them as children.

Let go of the belief that you must be hard on yourself in order to be successful and you’ll find happiness not far behind.

---

I need to be successful to be lovable.

Of all the destructive core beliefs that hold us back from happiness, this one is the most tragic — and possibly the most common.

For all the very real benefits of living in an achievement-oriented culture, there’s a serious psychological side effect most of us don’t ever consider: We tend to bind our self-worth to our success — especially our material success as defined by other people.

From cradle to grave, we’re taught that hard work pays off and will lead to success and then happiness. We’re nudged by all sorts of well-intentioned family members, teachers, friends, and mentors to go to the right schools and get the right career so we’ll become successful and then happy. The problem is, as kids, we internalize this message to mean — however irrational — that we’re only worthwhile and lovable if we’re successful.

Working hard to be successful is an admirable aspiration. But believing happiness only follows success is deeply misguided.

This is a truly tragic way to go through life — believing that you’re only worthwhile if you’re successful.

Every day in my clinical practice I work with many materially successful people who believe becoming successful is the only way to be loveable and happy. But being a neurosurgeon doesn’t make you very happy if you hate being a neurosurgeon — no matter how many other people think it’s impressive.

While achievement certainly plays a role in our happiness and self-worth, it’s dangerous to depend on it entirely. When you’re so driven and obsessed with achievement that you fail to develop other sources of self-worth, you fragilize your identity.

The solution is not to stop working hard. It’s to diversify your identity.

The Benefits Of Gratitude

Story at-a-glance

 If your happiness could use a boost, commit to cultivating an attitude of gratitude. It not only boosts life satisfaction, it’s also the single best predictor of good relationships, and benefits both sanity and physical health Gratitude involves affirming the good in your life and recognizing its sources. It is the understanding that life owes you nothing, and that the good things in your life are gifts that cannot be taken for granted A dozen different strategies are reviewed, all of which can help you build and strengthen your sense of gratitude Research shows gratitude, depression, peace of mind and rumination are all interrelated, and that gratitude counteracts depression by enhancing peace of mind and reducing ruminative thinking When you start seeing everything as a gift, opposed to things you’ve deserved (for better or worse), your sense of gratitude will begin to swell. Another way to practice gratitude when life leaves you uninspired is to identify and express gratitude for seemingly “useless” or insignificant things

11 Powerful Things To Remind Yourself Of Everyday

 It is very important to remind ourselves frequently on how to live, how to be happy, to be contented when we have good health and have no worries.  In the everyday grind people tend to forget to take stock and remind themselves how lucky they are.


11 Powerful Things To Remind Yourself Of Everyday

The Law of Attraction in Action

Important message from my friend Mark Anastasi. Life can be beautiful if you raise your vibrations!

Click here: