You Live the Life You’re Willing to Tolerate

The Life You Tolerate 

 

So stop tolerating less than you deserve

Ayodeji Awosika

When you put your hand on a hot stove accidentally, you remove it immediately. The pain is so unbearable that you don’t need to make a decision to move your hand. Imagine if you lived your life the same way. Imagine what your life would look like if subpar results hurt just as bad as touching your hand to that stove?

You’d live out Tony Robbin’s classic quote:

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

On some level, you’re okay with the results you have right now. Your life is tolerable. You start to live a life you tolerate because the things you’re willing to tolerate accumulate slowly over time. You’re like that frog who sits in a pot that slowly heats up until it eventually boils. But since it happened so slowly you don’t feel the need to act quickly like the hot stove.

How do you change this?

Instead of feeling a dull yet tolerable level of pain and anxiety your whole life, you find a way to rip the band-aid and make the changes you need to make now. This is something you logically understand but find it difficult to emotionally embrace. So is pretty much every other self-improvement concept. Let’s tackle this from every angle and see if we can find something that sticks.

Why Is a Life You Don’t Want Acceptable to You?

If you’re living an amazing life with no room for growth, no need to read further. If you’re someone who is just content with what they have, stop reading. I’m not here to add fuel to the fire of self-help that seeks to only criticize. I’m just talking to people who know deep down that this ain’t it.

Back to the question, if your life isn’t the way you want it to be, why do you tolerate it? You’re willing to tolerate certain realities you do so because on some level you think you deserve to live that way. I’ve had moments like that in my life like the time where I tolerated a bad relationship because I felt it was the best option I had and I was afraid to start over and be alone.

You feel like you deserve to live that way because of the way you see yourself. You see yourself a certain way because of your behavior, your experiences, and your interpretation of both. This leaves you in a catch 22 scenario. Which comes first if you want to change your situation? How do you change your identity to become someone who will no longer tolerate your current reality when you’re currently tolerating your reality because you’re unwilling to change?

In short, you fake it until you make it long enough to do the work it requires to make that identity change become real. You have to tap into that deeper understanding that you do deserve more deep down, but you just haven’t done what it takes to become that person yet. You know that person is the real one. The person you know you’re supposed to become.

You just keep it real with yourself. We live in this culture where you’re not supposed to feel bad about yourself for any reason whatsoever. This culture teaches you tolerance of everything when you definitely shouldn’t tolerate certain aspects of your life. There’s nothing wrong with looking at your situation and realizing you messed up — that the results you have right now are just objectively subpar. That maybe you should be upset with yourself for letting things get this bad. At this point, you’re on your way.

Understand What’s On the Other Side

Seems simple enough, right? Get fed up with your situation and do what it takes to change. But it’s hard. And you’ll have to go through a period of your life where you face massive levels of uncertainty. And I won’t lie to you, sometimes that period of your life will be brutal.

Using my relationship as an example again. After finally cutting things off and striking out on my own, I was depressed. Couldn’t leave my bed for days. It took a month for me to really get outside into the open world again. I had done the right thing by removing myself from an intolerable situation, but the rewards weren’t immediate.

It didn’t take too long to get back on my feet and the uncertainty I was afraid of wasn’t all that bad. The same will be true for you most likely. things will suck for a little bit when you try to start a new path for your life, but you’ll get over it.

Where are the areas in your life that you don’t like, but you’re willing to accept because at least you know what to expect? Where are the areas in your life where the fear of uncertainty keeps you stuck? Those tend to be the ones you need to attack most because they’ll lull you into a sense of complacency for years, decades at a time.

The best remedy for this involves looking forward and thinking about what your life will end up like if you let comfort and familiarity build a cage around you. If you want to escape, it just takes the simple realization that you just need to go through a period of challenge and struggle in your life to get to the other side. That’s it. You just have to deal with your emotions swinging up and down for a while. And then you’ll have changed.

You’re Much Better Than This

You tolerate a life you really don’t want to live because the story you tell yourself about life maps better with your insecurities. Think about it. How many times do you have doubtful thoughts vs confident ones? How many times are you beating yourself vs lifting yourself up?

If you constantly spend time focusing on the negative, of course, it makes sense that you should be willing to tolerate certain realities. It makes sense to have flawed areas of your life since you’re so flawed. In reality, though, you’re just telling yourself a story that’s blown way out of proportion and you know it.

You get over that story by repeatedly reminding yourself that it’s BS. When you remind yourself that it’s BS, and you believe it for just a tiny bit, it gives you a window of time where you actually do act like that person you’re supposed to be. The more you act like that person, the more your identity changes. As it changes, you’ll no longer tolerate certain things.

I have so many things from my past that I’d no longer tolerate at all now. I got there by slowly changing my story. I’d keep reminding myself that I didn’t have to live a certain way, that I was capable of much more, that I didn’t have to just lay down and watch the rest of my life go by.

Have that conversation with yourself. You’re better than this. You’re better than working some crappy corporate job you don’t really like so you can pay that $500 car payment. Screw that job and the car, go live your dream. You don’t have to settle for that person you know deep down isn’t the one. You don’t have to live in the shadows and be a wallflower on the world’s stage to fit in.

It’s okay to admit what you want from this life. Stop being afraid to ask for it. And don’t let people shame you out of asking for it because they’re afraid. Let them tolerate their existence. Consciously build your life exactly the way you want it and don’t stop until you fully make it happen.

Ayodeji is the author of You 2.0 — Stop Feeling Stuck, Reinvent Yourself, and Become a Brand New You. Want a free copy of my first book? Get it here.

Check out the latest episode of the 5 Mics Podcast here (video) (audio)

Ayodeji Awosika

Learn how to become a top Medium writer and make a living writing here — https://bit.ly/freemediumcourse4u

• Life Lessons
• Self Improvement
• Psychology
• Productivity
• Advice

 

6 Positive Habits We Often Mistake As Negative

Positive 

 

 

One of them is talking about money

Sinem Günel

 

 

 

 Photo by Ryland Dean on Unsplash

Most of us know that daily routines shape our lives. And just about everyone wants to build better habits. The problem is, we barely validate our current routines and thinking patterns.

Instead, we often mistake certain habits as negative even though they might actually add lots of value to our daily lives. In fact, we often focus on building and avoiding the wrong routines because we only look at the surface. The real power of habits, however, is often hidden behind.

Some patterns might not have an immediate impact on your life but subtly change how you think and behave in the long run.

Here are some of them:

Asking for Help

Modern success stories often make us believe that big successes are the result of one single person.

It seems as if Steve Jobs built Apple on his own and if Elon Musk is the only superbrain responsible for SpaceX.

Similarly, we easily get fooled by social media when looking at the daily Instagram stories of our favorite celebrities. We see our favorite creators looking beautiful, eating healthy, and taking care of their kids with ease.

What we don’t see is that they have a team that does their make-up, prepares delicious meals, and entertains the kids when mommy is busy recording Instagram stories.

Don’t get fooled into believing you need to master life on your own.

You can’t be great at everything and asking for help is the greatest form of self-care you can practice.

Quite often, we want to get everything done on our own because we’re too proud to ask for help and don’t want to come across as weak.

The reality, however, is that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.

There’s no point in spending five hours on a task if an expert could do it in ten minutes.

Don’t let your fear of being judged stop you from asking for help when you feel stuck.

“Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new.”

— Barack Obama

Comfortably Talking About Money

In most countries, talking about money is worse than talking about sex.

While this might not sound like a big deal, it’s one of the primary reasons for. the lack of financial literacy in our society.

If you can’t even talk about something, how can you learn to manage it?

Even though most people try to deny it, money plays a massive role in our lives. Money itself might not make you happy, but the absence of it will surely make you unhappy.

Changing your mind from I shouldn’t talk about money to talking about money is necessary and fun can be your stepping stone to creating a better relationship with your finances.

This will also help you let go of the pressure around money because keeping secrets is always a burden. By talking about your income, expenses, and investments, you can let go of some anxiety and view your financial journey as a natural process.

However, this doesn’t mean you should post your paycheck on social media and let everyone know how much you spend on groceries. It’s more about improving your money-consciousness than sharing your numbers with others.

If you’re not doing it yet, your first step could be tracking and reviewing your income and expenses.

You can download a free tracking app on your smartphone and review your finances weekly or monthly.

Most people don’t even check their bank accounts because they’re afraid of facing their financial reality. By tracking and reviewing your expenses, you can easily improve your relationship with money.

Once that’s done, you could ask your partner or close friends to discuss money-related topics.

Again: This doesn’t mean you need to reveal all your numbers and secrets. You might start by talking about budgeting, how much you spend on certain items, or your favorite tips to save money.

Every conversation around money is better than none because it helps you be more aware of your resources.

“People don’t feel comfortable about money because they have it; they have it because they feel comfortable about it.”

— Bob Proctor

Tapping Out of Your Routines

Most self-improvement gurus preach how essential routines and strong habits are. And while that’s true, they often forget to emphasize how regularly tapping out of these routines can make them even more powerful.

Even though our lives can become significantly easier through meaningful habits, these routines shouldn’t hold us back from living life to the fullest.

If you’re always stuck in the same pattern without ever daring to tap outside, you’ll likely miss many opportunities and unique chances to experience beautiful memories.

This is particularly important for creative minds and those pursuing a career that requires a high level of productivity as well as creativity (e.g., writing).

Repetition can lead to increased productivity, but spontaneity is the sister of creativity.

If you follow the same structures and patterns day in and day out, you don’t leave any room for unexpected discoveries and surprises.

“If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It’s lethal.”

— Paulo Coelho

Being a Little Selfish

Most of our historical heroes have one thing in common: They sacrificed themselves or their comfort for the common good. Nelson Mandela, Rosa Parks, or Martin Luther King Jr., just to name a few.

Their sacrifices and courage are why we memorize their names and remind ourselves of their generous acts.

And quite often, we might think of these heroes and believe we’re not as good as them if we don’t sacrifice parts of our lives as well.

But the truth is that this comparison doesn’t make much sense.

There’s a big difference between making a real impact in the world and trying to please everyone around you.

The former doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to sacrifice yourself. The latter, however, often ends up in frustration and a lack of self-worth.

If we always try to please those around us, we mostly neglect our own desires and needs. As a result, we lack energy and passion, making it way harder to show up as our best selves.

The harsh reality is that you can’t please everyone anyway. There will always be people who don’t like how you do certain things or don’t understand why you do what you do.

But guess what? Their opinions shouldn’t matter.

We all have one single life and the painful truth is that nobody will help you live an extraordinary life if you don’t allow yourself to do so.

Sometimes, being a little selfish and prioritizing yourself can make all the difference.

This might mean canceling a date to spend some time alone, saying no to someone or something, or just prioritizing your own needs before helping others.

“You can’t really be present for the people in your life if you aren’t taking care of yourself.”

— Kerry Washington

Dreaming About the Process

We often judge dreamers and praise the action-takers.

But research proves that visualizing the process of how you achieve a particular goal can actually help you create better results.

For decades, self-help gurus were preaching how visualizing an outcome would help you to achieve your goals.

But in 2011, researchers at the New York University found out that visualizing an outcome is destructive, not beneficial.

That’s because visualizing the final state you want to achieve makes you believe you already accomplished it. And this might diminish your motivation to actually take action and make things happen.

Visualizing the process, however, is different as it helps us follow through on the action and actually achieve our goals.

While visualizing yourself sitting at a beach, sipping cocktails might decrease your chances for achievement. Visualizing how you master your craft and get things done, however, can indeed help you get closer to your goals.

“Visualization is daydreaming with a purpose.”

― Bo Bennett

Wasting Some Time

While laziness is not particularly interesting, taking time for recovery isn’t only recommended but necessary.

In our output-driven economy, we often find ourselves in a doom loop of working more, achieving bigger goals, and taking less time for recovery.

The reality, however, is that we all need some time to sharpener our saw. You can’t give 100% all the time and you don’t need to.

Even though life is too short to waste lots of time, this doesn’t apply to taking some time off to relax, unwind, and let your mind wander. Nobody can operate at peak efficiency and creativity all the time and the sooner you take some time off, the earlier you’ll reach your goals.

If you need to wait in line at the grocery store, wait in peace. Don’t check your emails to use that time productively.

If the bus is late, take those few minutes to think of something you’re grateful for.

We all need these downtimes to recharge and refresh. Don’t judge yourself for wasting a few minutes of your day by disconnecting from the outer world and listening to your inner guidance.

“Taking time to do nothing often brings everything in perspective.”

— Doe Zantamata

Written by

Sinem Günel

Entrepreneur, Coach & Dreamer. I write about Personal Growth & Business. 🇦🇹 🇹🇷 Grab your Personal Growth Toolkit: http://bit.ly/pgtk0320 I IG: sinem.guenel

For Everyone Who’s Twenty, Ambitious, and Lost

Youth 

 

Hear this: don’t trust yourself.

Sergey Faldin

Jan 20·2 min read

 Photo:  Canva

 

We’ve all heard the phrase, “trust yourself.”

It’s popular. It feels good. It’s even true.

As my dad likes to say, “We’re the ultimate experts of ourselves.” Nobody can tell you what life you should live, what to eat for breakfast, whom to date, and where to work.

Yet…

When you’re young, trusting yourself is a double-edged sword.

Yes, it’s important to “follow your bliss” and all of that. But if there’s anything you lack in your twenties, it’s experience. (Also, wit, knowledge, and perspective.)

Choices that seem right at first glance (e.g., go travel the world with a backpack) might actually be stupid choices. Dreams that seem yours (e.g., become a multi-millionaire by 30) might not be such. Beliefs that seem right (e.g., all men should be financially successful) might be short-sighted.

As Stephen Colbert once noticed, “If we all had followed our first dreams, the world would be teeming with cowboys and princesses…”

The good thing about dreams is that they change. And so do we.

Making mistakes is part of the process, sure. But blindly trusting your young — and inexperienced — self might lead you astray.

Whenever I see 20-year-olds pushed to make decisions about their career, I think, “Do you really want to delegate making a decision about your entire future to a hormone-driven, sex-obsessed, YouTube-watching, vodka-drinking 20-year-old?”

A better option would be to seek guidance.

Not by blindly following other people’s advice — after all, you’ve got your own life to live — but by absorbing the perspective of wiser, older, more experienced human beings.

You don’t need a mentor. The Internet is full of brilliant people recording podcasts, giving commencement speeches, writing blogs. (If you need a start, watch this commencement speech, read this blog, and listen to this podcast.)

Have heroes and role models instead.

Always remember that to a sixty-year-old, twenty is a baby. (So is thirty and forty.) Experienced people see what you don’t see. They see the forest behind the trees, while you’re obsessed with “making it” and not looking bad on Instagram.

It’s not bad to ask for help when you need it. In fact, it’s a sign of wisdom and humility. The most successful people in the world were guided. (Even Luke Skywalker.)

If there’s one thing every young person needs help with, it’s perspective. Keeping the right mindset about your age, capabilities, and options.

Being grateful, patient. Not complaining or selfish.

When it comes to that, I say, “Don’t trust yourself.”

Trust people who’ve walked the path before you instead.

If you enjoyed this, subscribe to my daily blog. It’s free and you’ll get posts like this by email.

Written by

Sergey Faldin

8 ways to add some joy to your most dreaded chores

How to enjoy mundane tasks 

 

Photo by Scott Umstattd on Unsplash

 

Jan 19, 2021 / Ingrid Fetell Lee 

 

 

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

These days, one common complaint that I’ve noticed from friends and on my social media feeds is how much more time we all seem to be spending doing chores. Many meals that were once eaten out or on the go are eaten at home, necessitating more cooking. Being home all day every day, dishes pile up in the sink and everything seems to get dirtier that much quicker.

Like seemingly everyone else right now, I find myself grappling with having to spend more time doing things I dislike. But when the going gets tough, the tough get joyful (that’s the saying, right???) — and so I thought I’d gather some inspiration for ways to make some life’s dullest chores more delightful.

For ideas, I turned to the Joyspotters Society, a free online community I founded that is devoted to finding and creating more joy in daily life. I was overwhelmed by their response. I’ve gathered their tips into themes to make it easier for you to find the strategies that will work for you and added some of my own, as well as ones I’ve come across in my research.

1. Set a timer

Joyspotter Genevieve writes: “I hated emptying the dishwasher (I know, privilege) until I timed myself doing it. It took 4 minutes. Knowing that, it’s no longer a big deal.”

I love this strategy because it creates awareness. What seems like a big, looming task actually turns out to be inconsequential when we look at it.

The other thing about setting a timer is that it can make a task feel like a race, which turns it into a game. Vanessa says that she sets a 17-minute timer for cleaning the bathrooms on Monday mornings. “I always try to beat it! Loooove starting my week with that chore checked off.”

I used to do the same thing for my drawing exercises in grad school, allowing only 20 minutes per page. Being “on the clock” focused my attention, giving me an energy boost that helped me power through pages and pages of repetitive warm-up sketches.

2. Dance it out

Many joyspotters rely on a playlist of fun tunes to keep their energy up during unpleasant chores. The most popular genres seem to be top 40 hits from the 80s, 90s, and 00s, but anything with a fast beat and a joyful cadence will do the trick. (A few specific favorites include Spice Girls, B52s, and Hanson. Joyspotter Marike even has a “special vacuuming song” which she kindly shared.)

I’ll attest to the power of good music as a salve for chores; our weekly cleaning sessions became much more fun as soon as my partner Albert discovered this “Cleaning + Organizing” playlist on Spotify.

And if the urge to bust a move in the middle of chores strikes, most joyspotters agree that it’s worth indulging in a dance break. Shelly writes, “I have cordless headphones and a ‘Joy’ playlist with all songs that bring me joy. I hit shuffle and clean and dance away, makes it go so much faster.”

Even if the time spent dancing makes tasks take a little longer, it feels like less time goes by. And if you invest in a pair of washable mop slippers — as recommended by Twila — your dance moves can be as productive as they are joyful!

Music and dancing can also soothe nerves agitated by certain tasks. As our resident designer Linzi points out, “I hate vacuuming because the noise makes me anxious and it takes a long time. I put on my headphones, turn up my music loud, and make myself dance around the apartment while cleaning.”

Linzi’s approach reminded me that some chores are unpleasant not just because they’re tedious or dull, but because they trigger sensitivities (such as to loud noises or harsh smells) or negative emotions (such as disgust). Adding in pleasing sensations can be an important way to ease the negative impact of these triggers.

3. Layer in a guilty pleasure

Let me make one thing clear: I don’t like the term “guilty pleasure.” Unless a pleasure hurts you or someone else, the guilt we attach to it usually stems from external judgments around the value of that enjoyment. Why sabotage our joy by labeling it in a negative way?

That said, the association can be hard to break, and when it comes to pleasures we feel guilty about, TV is often at the top of the list. Decades of criticism have taught us to believe that TV is “chewing gum for the brain”, so even when we enjoy it, we often feel like it’s something we shouldn’t be doing.

But adding a so-called guilty pleasure to a dreaded task seems to redeem them both. Allowing ourselves to watch a favorite TV show while ironing or folding laundry puts boundaries around the indulgent quality of TV watching and makes the task more pleasurable.

As Eveline says, “I love folding laundry! It is one of the few chores you can do while watching television! Which make[s] me feel not so guilty about watching a quick vlog or tv show in the middle of the day.”

4. Harness the power of scent 

One of the things I’ve been finding joyful in cleaning the kitchen has been rediscovering Citrasolv, a potent natural cleaner made from the oil found in orange peel. It cuts grease like nobody’s business, and the citrus scent always perks me up.

Many joyspotters are also fans of incorporating pleasurable scents in household chores. Nandita sprinkles lavender oil on her sheets after she makes the bed, while Mandalynn adds essential oils to her cleaning products to give them a natural, fresh scent.

Others mentioned choosing cleaning products with joyful scents (one favorite brand is The Laundress) or lighting a candle before or after cleaning.

Doing this can turn cleaning into a form of aromatherapy. Lavender is a good hoice because it’s been shown in research to reduce anxiety. Citrus scents might actually help you keep a space cleaner longer — one study found that people were less likely to litter or make a mess in spaces where a citrus scent is present.

5. Document your efforts  

This suggestion comes from joyspotter Nicole, who says, “Sometimes I’m not in the mood to cook… but recently I’ve started making time-lapses of my cooking process and that makes it super fun!”

For her, the fun occurs on two levels: During the process, she knows she has a fun video to look forward to (this stimulates our sense of anticipation, which can be a potent joy enhancer). And after, she gets the reward of watching the video.  

Kerri has a friend who uses this same strategy for cleaning, and points out another benefit: The timelapse occupies your phone so that you don’t get distracted during your cleanup.

If a timelapse feels too challenging, you can use your phone to add joy in other ways. Valeska says, “The other week I made some videos using the Snapchat lenses of me pretending to sing along (lip sync) and being silly while cleaning and shared it with some friends.”

She says it gave her “a good laugh (spreading joy) and really raised my energy levels while doing it.” Another easy suggestion: Take before-and-after pics of your work and text them to a friend.

6. Create a ritual of celebration or gratitude

According to Casper ter Kuile, the author of The Power of Ritual, a ritual is defined by three things: Intention, attention and repetition. A routine might be something you repeat often, but add an intention and focus your attention on it, and you can create a ritual.

Joyspotter Lisa does a pre-cleaning ritual, which involves saying a little blessing for her home and lighting a candle. She says this helps her focus on how she’s creating positive energy by cleaning, making it less a chore than a joyful act of transformation.

Other joyspotters do something similar after cleaning. Jennifer, for example, lights a candle when she’s finished. As she says, “It’s like a finishing touch or celebration, it’s nice!”

Many joyspotters also incorporate elements of mindfulness or gratitude throughout their chores, reflecting on how thankful they are simply to have a home to take care of or clothes to fold. Doing this takes the focus off the task and brings it back onto the broader joys that such objects enable.

7. Surround yourself with things you love

Another way to make chores more joyful? Stop caring for items that you don’t really want or love. As joyspotter Claudie writes, “The other thing that has helped me is making sure I only have things I really like in my house/cupboards/wardrobe. I have bright colors and pretty things about and find them more rewarding to keep tidy. That way I’m not wasting time tidying stuff that irritates me anyway!”

When we buy things, we tend to think about them as simply physical objects. But each item we acquire is also a commitment to a future investment of time: The time spent washing, mending, maintaining or even just seeing that item.

When you have things you don’t like in your space, this time and effort can feel wasted. When you truly love what you’re surrounded by, as Claudie points out, it doesn’t erase the fact that you’re doing chores but your effort feels meaningful and worthwhile.

Having items you truly love can also give you something to focus on while doing unpleasant tasks. For example, Lindsey keeps plants near the sink so that she sees them while she’s washing dishes. Instead of having a blank wall to look at, she surrounds the spaces where work occurs with thethings that bring her joy.

8. Realize that OK is good enough

And lastly, several joyspotters say that sometimes it’s important to lower your standards. “OK is good enough,” writes Hinda, saying that this has become a bit of a mantra for her as someone with a perfectionist streak.

To those of us type-A folks, the idea of lowering standards can sometimes feel like we’re letting ourselves down. But instead, think about it as a form of prioritization.

You can have perfectly clean floors all the time, but is that something that’s going to matter to you when you’re 80? If so, by all means, scrub away.

But for most of us, sacrificing a bit of perfection in our chores can be a conduit to spending more time lingering over a delicious meal, enjoying a sunset or working on a rewarding project.

At the end of the day, chores keep us — and our homes — safe, clean and healthy so that we’re able to do the things that bring us joy. So if having more time for joy means sometimes doing the bare minimum, that seems a worthwhile trade-off to me.

This post was first published on The Aesthetics of Joy site — and go to the original post there to read 6 more tips.

Watch her TED Talk here: 

About the author

Ingrid Fetell Lee is the founder of the blog The Aesthetics of Joy and was formerly design director at the global innovation firm IDEO.

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Pete Ryan

 

An experiment to drastically shrink your workday

Lessen your workload 

 

Cari Nazeer

 

 

 Photo by Adrien Robert on Unsplash

 

Just now·1 min read

✅ Today’s tip: Prioritize your day by pretending you only have a few hours.

Look at your day today. Now imagine it was much, much shorter. Imagine you lost your electric power, your Internet connection, your phone. Imagine that by, say, 10:30 this morning, it was all going to go away. How much could you get done? What would you tackle first?

That’s the experiment Forge’s time-management expert Laura Vanderkam wants you to try this week. See what you can get done. It’s probably more than you think.