You Should Spend More Time Doing Nothing — That’s When You Actually Grow

Better Living 

 

 

“Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.”

Alan Trapulionis

Sep 24 · 4 min read

Naval Ravikant may not be a billionaire, but he is successful by my standards. Why? Because, at 47, he smiles more than my 7-year-old brother.

Naval has had a pretty busy life. He’s the founder and ex-CEO of AngelList, reportedly a $100+ million company. He has invested early stage in over 200 companies, including Uber and Twitter. And yet, after an intense career in Palo Alto, the man remains a beacon of inner peace and common sense.

One question he asked completely annihilated my understanding of mindfulness:

“If you’re so smart and capable, why can’t you figure out how to be happy?”

The founder says it’s hard, nowadays, for him to be around other people. Or, rather, it’s hard for them to be around him. See, they’re not used to a person who is always smiling.

You have 4,906 unread emails.

My summer was pretty exhausting. Not because I accomplished a lot — but because I was always doing something. I wake up, I brush my teeth, I eat the sandwich, I get to work, I call a friend, I watch a show, I go to sleep.

I made zero progress this summer. I didn’t advance in my career. I didn’t create anything remotely interesting. I didn’t form any lasting relationships. I didn’t even have any life-changing epiphanies. It was all just a series of things that I did. It all feels like a boring dream I’m about to forget.

Naval Ravikant spent his summer differently. In fact, he lives his entire life differently.

“I almost hate calling it meditation. […] It’s literally just walking around.”

What does Naval understand that I don’t? Why does one of my heroes spend time deliberately doing nothing, “paying attention to his own thoughts?”

I decided to copy his approach. I deliberately made time in my day when I’m doing absolutely nothing. The rule was I’m allowed to drink tea or listen to music, but I’m not allowed to do anything “productive,” “useful”, “educational” or “entertaining.” No breathing techniques, just idleness.

The results were very interesting. It was weird and uncomfortable at first, as you could expect. My brain was constantly looking for a way to distract itself. I think I started reading the bread label at one point. It has quite a bit of sugar, if you didn’t know.

But then, something magical happened. For the first time in a long time, I started having thoughts. Not procedural instructions. Not plans. Not dreams. Thoughts. Words, glued together, forming a dialogue. I could hear it again.

I could feel my brain working, too. In fact, it was working much harder than it’s used to during work hours. Even when I wasn’t thinking anything, the engines were buzzing.

Naval compares this process to clearing out your “mental inbox.”

“When you grow up, all this stuff happening to you in your life. And some of it you’re processing, and some of it you should probably think more about, but you don’t. It’s like your email inbox, piling up. Email after email after email.”

He’s not just talking about unprocessed trauma. He’s talking about unprocessed stuff. Stuff that forms your judgements and fuels your motivations. Stuff from 20, 30 years ago that drives your choices today.

The only way to clear out your inbox, Naval says, is by “doing nothing” and simply letting your mind flow.

He calls it “self-therapy.” Instead of paying a therapist to listen to you, you act as your own therapist. Eventually, you answer all of the “emails,” catch up to reality, and achieve a state of calm and clarity.

Of course, it’s dangerous to link subconscious mechanisms to tangible results. We don’t know how it all works down there. But I am now convinced that humans were designed to spend a significant part of their lives completely alone with their thoughts, unstimulated. Doing the contrary is the equivalent of depriving yourself of an essential nutrient.

Harry Styles won’t save you

We’ve become obsessed with breathing techniques and narrated meditation apps, but perhaps we’re missing the key lesson of two over-stimulated decades: less is more when it comes to your to-do list.

Productivity means you’ll finish an article quicker. Mental clarity means you’ll know what to write, and whether you should write at all.

Productivity means you’ll get home sooner. Mental clarity means you’ll get home happy.

Productivity means you’ll squeeze an extra workout into the week. Mental clarity means you’ll feel relaxed, energetic and radiant by default.

Productivity (usually) means you’ll do 10 hours of mediocre work. Mental clarity means you’ll do 1 hour of extraordinary work.

Productivity might burn you out, so you’ll ask Harry Styles to narrate you a bedtime story to fall asleep. Mental clarity means you’ll fall asleep when it’s time.

Productivity is the “how” of the “how.” It’s a mechanical problem of how to get somewhere faster. Mental clarity is the compass showing you where you’re supposed to be going.

I’m not saying productivity isn’t important. I’m saying it’s not the answer. Not for your happiness, not for your performance. Because, as Naval put it,

“We live in an age of infinite leverage. Your actions can be multiplied a thousand-fold, either by broadcasting a podcast, or by investing capital, or by having people work for you, or writing code. Because of that, the impacts of good decision-making are much higher than they used to be.”

Written by

Alan Trapulionis

In quest of understanding how humans work.

3 Psychological Reasons You’re Always Anxious

Anxiety 

 

Let them go and peace of mind will follow

 

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

 

Nick Wignall

Sep 8 · 7 min read

We all get anxious from time to time. But living with chronic anxiety is another thing entirely…

• Constantly worrying about the future and imagining the worst
• Never being fully present in conversations because you’re always worried about what the other person is thinking of you
• Feeling tense, on-edge, and exhausted all the time
• Dreading that your next panic attack is just around the corner
• Constantly second-guessing yourself, seemingly unable to make even small decisions confidently

While there are obviously many things that lead us to feel anxious, here’s the key insight most people miss:

Whatever caused your anxiety in the past, it’s your habits in the present that are maintaining it.

If you can learn to identify these anxiety-producing habits in your life, you can work to undo them and eventually free yourself from constant worry and chronic anxiety.

1. Avoiding uncertainty

It’s human nature to want to avoid feeling uncertain. When you first show up to a dinner party, for example, you quickly scan the room for someone you know, then gravitate toward them.

Of course, there’s a good reason for this: Our ancestors who were better at minimizing uncertainty probably survived longer than the ones who weren’t afraid of it. In other words…

We’re wired by evolution to prefer the familiar and safe to the uncertain and potentially dangerous.

But even in modern life, it’s often good to minimize or avoid uncertainty:

• Not sure if your upcoming presentation is going to be received well? Practice in front of a few friends and get feedback on the parts that don’t work so well.
• Not sure if the person you’ve been dating for two months is “the one”? Maybe date a little longer and reduce some of that uncertainty.

But here’s the thing: While we are all wired to avoid uncertainty, and frequently benefit from doing so, it’s a mistake to get in the habit of alwaysavoiding it… After all, what kind of a life is it if you never take risks, never try new things, or never push yourself outside your comfort zone?

Unfortunately, it gets worse… Aside from your life becoming increasingly boring and uneventful, there’s an even bigger problem here:

Avoiding uncertainty gives relief from anxiety in the short-term, but it intensifies it in the long-term.

Here’s a simple example:

• A good friend texts you and invites you to a dinner party she’s hosting. But after hearing that most of the other guests will be people you don’t know, you begin to feel anxious.
• You worry about feeling awkward and uncomfortable explaining your boring job, for instance. You dread the idea of small-talk and superficial get-to-know-you chatter.
• The more you think about it, the more anxious you feel.
• At this point, the option to decline and make up a white lie about a previous engagement is getting pretty tempting because not only would it save you the potential anxiety of an awkward dinner party with people you don’t know (uncertainty!), but it would also immediately alleviate all the anxiety you’re feeling right now.
• So you text your friend that you won’t be able to make it. And sure enough, you immediately feel relieved.

The problem here is that while you’ve escaped uncertainty and anxiety in the present, you’ve actually made it more likely that you’ll feel anxious in the future.

Here’s how it works…

The fear center in your brain is always on the lookout for danger. And when it spots something, it makes you a little anxious (physiologically, anxiety is just adrenaline and your fight or flight system activating).

But critically, it also watches how you respond to that initial threat and hit of anxiety:

1. Escape. Do you confirm your fear center’s initial assessment that the uncertainty of the dinner party is a threat to your survival by trying to escape it? If so, you will feel less anxious in the moment. But you’ve taught your brain that dinner parties with unfamiliar people are a threat to your survival. Which means the next time a similar opportunity shows up, you’re going to feel even more anxious and be more tempted to avoid it. See where this vicious cycle is going…?
2. Approach. Or, you could dis-confirm your fear center’s initial assessment that the uncertainty of the dinner party is a threat by approaching it and going anyway, which would give your brain valuable feedback that just because it feels uncomfortable doesn’t mean it literally is dangerous. And while this might make you more anxious in the short-term, your brain would be less anxious the next time a situation like this came up. See where this virtuous circle is going… ?

Here’s the take-home message:

Avoiding uncertainty leads to short-term relief and long-term anxiety. Welcoming uncertainty leads to short-term anxiety and long-term confidence.

Choose wisely.

2. Avoiding helplessness

If there’s one thing human beings tend to avoid more than uncertainty it’s helplessness.

We absolutely hate feeling helpless.

For example:

• Feeling scared that your upcoming interview won’t go well and not being able to do anything about it now that it’s almost here.
• Being afraid of your son’s first airplane flight alone and not being able to do anything about it.
• Hearing your spouse talk about how depressed they’ve been feeling and knowing that you can’t make them feel better.

Of course, like uncertainty, some amount of helplessness is unavoidable in life because we just can’t control everything (and everyone). But here’s the thing: The urge to try and control the uncontrollable is surprisingly strong.

So strong, in fact, that we end up doing some surprisingly irrational and harmful things in order to maintain the illusion of control:

• You build up excessively high expectations for people in your life because, hey, if I can’t make them do well, telling myself that they should do well feels kinda close….
• You get overly involved in other people’s lives even though they’ve asked you not to (and it stresses you out).
• You replay mistakes and regrets in your head over and over again because even though you know intellectually that you can’t change the past, ruminating on it at least feels like you’re doing something productive and not totally helpless.

With a little self-reflection, you can probably think of many areas in your life where you try to control something that’s actually not under your control.

But there’s one big form of unhelpful (and anxiety-producing) control that most people miss:

You worry about things you can’t control because it temporarily makes you feel in control.

By definition, worry is unhelpful negative thinking about hypothetical or future problems. And as every chronic worrier will admit to, it leads to A LOT of anxiety. In fact, as I’ve made the case before, worry is the engine of anxiety.

But what’s weird about worry is that often when you’re worrying, you probably know intellectually that it’s not actually helpful. And that it’s only making you anxious and stressed.

And yet, you keep worrying… Why?

Well, just like we tend to eat junk food despite knowing that it’s bad for us, we worry because for a few brief minutes or seconds it feels good.

Worrying gives us something to do and makes us feel in control when we would otherwise feel helpless.

And because worry is so similar to problem-solving and planning, it’s easy to rationalize it. But in the end, worry is all side-effects and no benefit: It makes you incredibly anxious and doesn’t actually fix anything.

But because it temporarily feels good, we get addicted to it. Because it temporarily alleviates that terrible feeling of helplessness, we come back to it over and over again despite all the anxiety it generates.

Which is all to say that if you want to feel less anxious, you must learn to control your worry habit.

3. Avoiding boundary-setting

One of the most subtle but powerful causes of chronic anxiety is unhealthy boundaries:

• Always saying yes to your manager’s request to do “a little” extra work over the weekend
• Always “going with the flow” and agreeing to what your spouse wants to do for vacation
• Always answering your sister’s phone calls and listening to her vent and complain about her toxic relationship

I mean, think about it:

If you’re constantly taking on other people’s problems, and never have time to address your own wants and needs, how could you not be anxious!

But if it’s so obvious that unhealthy boundaries lead to anxiety, why do we struggle so much to set healthy boundaries?

While there are many, many reasons, one of the most important is this:

You struggle to set boundaries because you’re afraid to communicate assertively.

Now, a lot of people hear the term assertive and they think rude or pushy. But in reality, assertive communication is the healthy middle ground between aggressive and passive.

• Aggressive communication is when you try to get what you want but in a way that’s rude and disrespectful to others.
• Passive communication is when you’re disrespectful to your own wants and needs because you’re overly concerned with and accommodating of other people.
• Assertive communication means asking for what you want and saying no to what you don’t want in a way that’s respectful to yourself and the other person.

This isn’t the time or place to get into all of the nuances of how to be more assertive. But what’s key to realize is this:

If you’re unwilling to stand up for yourself, you’ll be unable to maintain healthy boundaries. And without healthy boundaries, your anxiety will skyrocket.

If you want to start feeling less anxious all the time, practice communicating assertively.

Five Quotes by Lao Tzu That Could Change The Way You Think

Helpful Quotes 

 

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

 

Photo by Hester Qiang on Unsplash

Leo Zeballos

Jan 24 · 6 min read

Lao Tzu was an ancient Chinese philosopher founder of Taoism, an ancient Chinese philosophy. It emphasizes doing what is natural and going with the “flow”. Little is truly known about Lao Tzu, but what we do know is that he wrote some of his wisdom in the text Tao Te Ching, a sacred Taoist text with writings from other philosophers too.

What strikes me the most is how these people, who lived thousands of years ago, already had figured out the core principles to a happy life. They faced different problems and circumstances than we do today, but their wisdom can still be applied to our lives and it has the potential to change the way we think about the world and ourselves.

Lao Tzu offers some profound lessons on how to live a happier life and achieve our goals.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

This quote touches on a fundamental part of personal improvement and growth.

Often, fear holds us back from trying something new. You might come up with several excuses to not get out of your comfort zone, like “I don’t have time” or “I’m fine just the way I am”.

But deep within you, you know you are afraid to take action because you don’t want to fail.

I get it. I feel like that too, and in the past, fear has stopped me from doing things I really wanted to do. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when you decide to take action and see the long road of improving your life that waits ahead.

The good thing is, you don’t have to think about that long road or make a radical change in your life to see improvements. Instead, start taking small steps.

How to apply it:

Take small steps towards your dream life. It doesn’t matter how small it is, the important thing is to get started and start building momentum.

The key to success is consistency, so start adopting healthy habits to improve your life. There are a variety of healthy habits you can choose and you’ll want to stick to them to reap their benefits.

How do you do that?

Start by performing the easiest version of your desired habit.

• Want to read more books? Start by reading 5 pages a day
• Want to journal? Write down your thoughts for 5 minutes every day
• Want to be fit and healthy? Start going to the gym once a week or do exercises that require the minimum effort at home

Start small, then gradually increase the amount of time you spend on those habits.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them — that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

Whenever things don’t go our way, we get frustrated and sometimes angry. It’s totally normal to feel this way and is even expected from you.

Personally, I don’t like change, especially when those changes trigger negative emotions. But the crude reality is that our lives are constantly changing and evolving. We have little control over the external world, so it makes sense to stop resisting these changes.

Of course, that’s easier said than done.

I resisted changes in my life by dwelling on the past and focusing only on the negative side of them. If you act like that, you are going to feel unhappy and lost in your life.

How to apply it:

Let reality be reality. Adapt to the new changes and try to see the positive side in the long term. It’s okay to feel mad and grieve at first, depending on the type of change.

But don’t stay there for too long because it will get harder to get out of that negative state of mind. Negative emotions are inevitable. We all feel sad or stressed at some point in our lives because of a certain situation or event.

But you can’t let those emotions define you, what you need to do is interpret those emotions into positive feelings.

Ask yourself:

“What did I learn from this situation?”

“How can it benefit me in the future?”

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize nothing is lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

Practicing gratitude is one of the best ways to feel happy with yourself and your life.

You need to have a positive image of yourself if you want to achieve your goals. And you also need to feel content with the things you have in the present.

Some people have more than others, but the mere fact that you can read this because you have a computer and an internet connection is something you need to be truly grateful for.

Gratitude has many benefits. One that I really like is that it improves your mental health and gives you more clarity. When you have a consistent gratitude practice, toxic emotions like frustration or resentment start to affect you less and less over time.

How to apply it:

Adopt a gratitude habit. There are many ways to do that. For example, every evening I think about three things I’m grateful for that day.

It can be anything, the point is that you need to feel genuinely grateful for them. Maybe you feel grateful for a movie you watched, for reading a chapter of your book, watching the sunset, or taking a walk. It helps to remember how those situations made you feel. Try to recreate them in your mind.

If you want to upgrade that practice, you can think about three things you are grateful for about yourself.

Maybe you liked how engaged you were in a conversation you had with someone, or maybe you are content because you trusted yourself to make a decision. Again, it can be anything, just remember to feel genuinely grateful about them.

“Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.”

We’ve been taught that talkative and outgoing people are the ones that are successful in life. That’s why people often speak and say things without thinking about them.

People prefer to talk over listening because it’s human nature. We feel we are contributing more when we talk. And who wouldn’t like to contribute more to the world?

The problem is, we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply. We are eager to share our thoughts and opinions as soon as the other person stops talking. But there is so much you can learn when you just listen intentionally.

Besides, when you are a good listener, it makes the person who is speaking to you feel loved and worthy of being heard. They’ll want to be around you more.

How to apply it:

You probably already know how to apply this one. Listen more and speak less.

Whenever you are having a conversation with someone, try to focus all your attention on what they are saying. Ask them questions about how they feel and their motivations.

Don’t interrupt. Wait until that person is done talking before you respond. Over time, you will realize how much more rewarding it is to listen rather than speaking whatever comes to your mind.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

For many years l cared too much about what other people thought about me. It’s normal to care about the opinion of other people. Sometimes, we need to care about what other people think, otherwise we’d do whatever we want and probably be disliked by everyone.

It becomes a problem when you start to obsessively care about what other people think about you.

You try to impress people, show them how amazing you are and before you know it, you’ll hide your authentic self, you’ll make decisions only to please others and you stop living your life in the way you want it.

How to apply it:

I know it might sound cliche, but be yourself.

Embrace your weirdness. That’s what makes you unique and stand out. Don’t be afraid to do things or think differently from others and take decisions most people won’t approve of.

As long as it doesn’t hurt you and other people and that’s what makes you happy, do it. No one knows you better than you do, so stop trying to please or caring what other people think about you.

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• Philosophy
• Personal Development
• Self Improvement
• Life Lessons
• Life

Written by

Leo Zeballos

A student of life. Writing about personal growth and mental clarity. Let's chat: leozeballos8@gmail.com

The Apeiron Blog

An easy to read philosophical space that aims to elicit discussion and debate on matters of the universe.

6 Fascinating Books That Will Expand Your Horizons

More Books 

 

A reading list to challenge your thinking

 

Tom Stevenson

Jul 2 · 6 min read

One of the best things about reading is that it can open your eyes to new ways of thinking. A book can change your views on life and expose you to a different way of seeing the world.

It’s a cliche, but most of us have a book or two which has changed our view of the world. Once we’ve put the book down, our outlook has changed. It will never be the same again.

I don’t claim these books will cause you to drop all your prior beliefs and become a new person. But, they will cause to step back and think. To reconsider what you believed and question whether you’re right and what you’ve read has merit.

The beauty of books is they are windows onto a new world. They shine a light onto parts of the world, or aspects of our existence we might not have considered. They open doors that were closed, or we didn’t know even existed.

Expanding your horizons and reading books that challenge your thinking is critical if you want to become a well-rounded individual. The world is a fascinating place, if you don’t stop and look around, you might miss the aspects which make it a wondrous place.

These six books will provide you with a reading list which will challenge your beliefs and make you think about what it means to be human, our place in the universe and much more.

Feral by George Monbiot

Have you heard of the term, rewilding? If you haven’t, I’m not surprised. It’s a new concept that refers to restoring environments and natural processes, and wilderness areas.

This might sound fanciful, given the state of many places across the globe in the 21st century, but the case laid out in Feral by George Monbiot is convincing.

His book states that not only should we consider rewilding, but it’s also feasible too. This would see large swathes of land returned to woodland, rainforest and other natural landscapes.

Rewilding would allow us to mitigate the effects of climate change by restoring trees, animals and plant life to areas that have been used for commercial or landscape grazing.

The concept of rewilding outlined in Feral won’t be for everyone. The book itself details conversations with people who are sceptical about rewilding. But if we want to head off the worst effects of climate change, rewilding might be a useful tool in our arsenal.

A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking

Physics is one of the hardest subjects to understand. Quantum mechanics, quarks and protons aren’t easy to understand if you don’t have a background in the subject.

A Brief of History of Time is arguably Stephen Hawking’s most famous work. For a man who is regarded by many as one of the cleverest humans to ever live, his book is accessible and easy to follow. He does a remarkable job of taking a complicated topic and making it understandable for the layperson.

While we all think we know about reality and the observable world, it’s more complicated than we think. Black holes, neutron stars, and even gravity are all phenomenons that are fascinating and mind-bending in equal measure.

The beauty of Hawking’s book is that these concepts become much easier to understand. He shows how theories of general relativity and quantum mechanics and the push to find a unified which explains how our universe functions.

The mysteries of the universe may remain, but what we do understand is beautifully explained by Hawking in this excellent book.

The Rules of Contagion by Adam Kucharski

Given we’ve spent the majority of 2020 and 2021 living during a pandemic, The Rules of Contagion is a timely book to read. It’s a fascinating look at how viruses and ideas spread.

The author, Adam Kucharski, sets out to explain how things spread. We’ve all become familiar with the terms R number and herd immunity, but they can feel alien at times. What Kucharski effortlessly does is explain what they mean and how that affects us.

I left with a greater understanding of what causes viruses to spread and the terms related to a pandemic. The chapters on how ideas spread, and the potential for fake news to spread via social media were illuminating too.

The Rules of Contagion is a brilliant book and it does a great job of removing the jargon surrounding contagion. Helping you to understand how things spread and the implications this has for all of us.

Why We’re Polarized by Ezra Klein

We’re living through one of the most tumultuous times in recent history. Politics is riven with division and this has translated over into society. We now identify more deeply with political causes than we did 20 or 30 years ago.

Why We’re Polarized attempts to explain why. It looks at American history and seeks to discover why the country has become more polarized in recent years. It’s a process which predates the election of Trump and could be traced back to the American Civil War.

One of the core arguments of the book is that today’s parties represent distinct identities. As supporters have coalesced around the party which represents them best, a clash becomes inevitable as the two sides fundamentally disagree on many issues.

Why We’re Polarized is an important book to read. More polarization and division will only lead to more conflict. To solve the issues of today and tomorrow, understanding one another is paramount. Otherwise, we’re doomed to repeat the failures of the past.

Straw Dogs by John Gray

Straw Dogs is one of the most sobering books I’ve read in a long time. Written by the philosopher John Gray, it’s a scathing attack on humanism and challenges our assumptions on what it means to be human.

Gray states that humanity is out of step with how we’ve evolved. Instead of seeing ourselves as the animals we are, we’ve persisted with a belief that we are above the natural world. A species apart from all others.

The dangers of this belief are starting to manifest according to Gray. The effects of pumping massive amounts of fossil fuels into the atmosphere are starting to show, with temperatures rising across the globe.

Nor does Gray see technology as humanity’s saviour. He believes it could lead to even greater tragedies. He argues that the core problem with humanity is our willingness to destroy the planet and each other in the belief we are a special species.

Straw Dogs isn’t an easy read. It assaults you and causes you to challenge beliefs you hold dear. For this reason, it’s an important book to read and even more important to ponder the points raised.

On Living and Dying Well by Cicero

Cicero isn’t as well known as famous figures such as Seneca or Marcus Aurelius, but he just as many important insights as the two stalwarts of stoic philosophy.

On Living and Dying Well is one of his most famous texts and one which offers many valuable insights for the reader. The title gives a clue to what the book is about. It looks at how we can live a good life and die with dignity.

In today’s discourse, death is seen as an abomination. But, the way Cicero presents it is much different. Far from the evil our society deems it, Cicero sees death as an inevitability and one we should face with dignity.

The best part of Cicero’s words is how relevant they are today. Despite all the time that’s passed, his words still hold. The human condition isn’t much different today from what Cicero experienced two thousand years ago.

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How to Stop ‘Shoulding’ Yourself

 

Experts give some pointers on how to cultivate more grace and self-compassion so you can truly thrive in life. 

 

A dear friend — a friend I admire for her ability to guide others — recently admitted to suffering from a bout of the “shoulds.” She pointed out that every time she told herself she “should” have done something or “should” be doing something, she was essentially flagellating and shaming herself.

Barbara Barna Abel, a media coach and the host of the Camera Ready & Abel podcast, is the friend I’m speaking of. “We get stuck into this idea of an endless list of things we should do in terms of life, career, how we live our lives, or what we believe in,” she told me. “My feeling is we get stuck in what we should feel and what we should do versus what we want to do, what makes us happy, what we’re good at, and where our passions lie.”

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“Shoulds” are an inevitable part of everyone’s self-speak vocabulary, but this can be both a good thing and a bad thing. Barna Abel says the “shoulds” often feel burdensome to her because they imply obligation. “When [we’re] doing something because we feel we ‘should’ and it’s out of obligation, we also start to build resentment toward ourselves, other people, and situations that can lead to depression, a victim mentality, and all sorts of other [negative] things. When we’re doing things because we ‘should,’ we gloss over the idea of choice,” she says.

Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor at the department of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and the author of Fierce Self-Compassion, says though the “shoulds” can spur you into action temporarily, over-“shoulding” can carry negative side effects, like reinforcing fears of being unacceptable and a fear of failure. “This actually creates performance anxiety and [feelings of] failure, which undermines your ability to achieve in the long run,” she says, adding that procrastination and performance anxiety can make it harder for you to do your best, have grit, and stay focused on your goals.

A propensity toward a “should” mindset can come from early neural imprinting within fear-driven cultures, says neuroscientist Tara Swart, author of The Source: The Secrets of the Universe, the Science of the Brain. “Cultures can mean family, society, school, or religion. Even in adulthood, the ‘shoulds’ are about the things you had to do to survive without punishment, which can be literal or be shame, guilt, or humiliation.” Telling ourselves we “should” be doing this or “should” be doing that subconsciously brings up the shame or guilt that would have been the punishment for not behaving as expected during childhood, says Swart.

Though the word “should” in self-talk can seem — and sometimes is — innocuous, it can also signal that we’re being hard on ourselves, and that’s something to be aware of. Negative self-talk can lead us to perceive the world as an “unsafe and punitive place with scarce resources,” says Swart, which can feed into a victim mentality rather than a sense of agency over our lives, and keep us from taking healthful risks.

Positive self-talk can help change your perception of "shoulds."

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Science recognizes the harsh impact negative self-talk can have on our psyches, outlook, and health. In 2018, Neff, who has conducted tons of research about the power of self-compassion, examined how self-compassion affected academic performance for college students. It was associated with “reduced self-presentation concerns and increased student communication behavior,” implying greater class participation. “Self-compassion allows students to see themselves clearly, accept their mistakes and imperfections, and take action to correct mistakes,” reads the conclusion of the study.

Another randomized field experiment conducted by different researchers found that children with negative competence beliefs would often achieve below their potential in school. They also looked at whether engaging in positive self-talk would benefit the students’ mathematics performance. The researchers found that kids who weren’t all that confident but engaged in encouraging self-talk performed better and effectively “severed the association between negative competence beliefs and poor performance.” It seems they gave themselves permission to succeed by learning positive ways to self-reassure.

Negative self-talk can even take a physical toll on us if we aren’t careful. Swart says it reduces the DOSE hormones: dopamine for reward, oxytocin for bonding, serotonin for mood, and endorphins for the feel-good factor. “It leads to increases in the stress hormone cortisol, which puts our brain in survival mode and doesn’t free up resources for higher brain functions like regulating emotions or overturning biases, including those we have against ourselves,” she explains.

Neff says negative self-talk is often linked to depression and anxiety. “Self-criticism activates the sympathetic nervous reaction, which is your fear response (or your fight-or-flight response), and self-compassion activates the sympathetic response and calms it down,” explains Neff. “If you find a depressed person, they’re almost guaranteed to be very self-critical. A lot of anxiety is caused by constant self-criticism, and anxiety undermines our ability to perform if you’re totally activated.” An activated fight-or-flight response isn’t great for you physically and can contribute to health issues like high blood pressure.

So how can we best coach ourselves through a case of the “shoulds” like Barna Abel did?

Get to why you’re shoulding

Barna Abel says, situation permitting, her first step in quelling the inner “shoulds” is to check in with herself and ask what would it look like to let go of what she thinks she should do and actually start to do what she wants to do. “It’s just stopping and being honest with yourself about your resistance. A lot of times, what gets stuck in the ‘shoulds’ are things that we’re not good at. There are things you may have been putting off because they aren’t things you really want to do, or are things that you may find difficult,” Barna Abel says. Then, actually plot out your options. “Ask yourself: If I knew I couldn’t fail, success was assured, and money was no object, what would happen? This gets you to open up in terms of possibility and alternate solutions,” she adds.

Neff also recommends taking a beat to examine your motives. “A self-compassion break is like hitting the reset button on a computer,” she says. Acknowledge that you’re struggling in some way and validate your own feelings. “Whatever you’re feeling — be it shame or disappointment — voice the negativity and acknowledge the pain with mindfulness,” she says.

Give yourself compassion and grace.

Olga Zakharova

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Remember our common humanity — and that humans make mistakes

“Compassion, in Latin, means to suffer with this inherently connected compassion,” says Neff. “Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is imperfect. Tell yourself there’s nothing wrong with me for having this issue. Tell yourself you’re not the only one.”

Give your words a positive spin

Swart suggests getting to the root of what drives your “shoulds” — and making the opposite thought your mantra. For example, swap “I should be famous/employed/rich by now!” for “I am exactly where I’m supposed to be in my life and will continue to work toward my goals.” For another way to redirect negative self-speak, Neff recommends asking yourself if you’d use the same language you use to chastise yourself and direct it at someone you really care about. If the two don’t match, write down what you’d say to your loved one and try saying it to yourself.

Show affection toward yourself

“Physical touch is one of the ways to change the nervous system — it actually helps you calm down and reduces cortisol,” says Neff, who adds that a simple self-soothing gesture, like putting your hands on your heart, is a surprisingly simple and effective way to help you calm down and feel kindness toward yourself.

In closing, Barna Abel says that redirecting her “should” self-talk freed her up to be even more productive. “Letting go of resentment is very personally empowering,” she says. “It really starts to switch the energy from ‘should’ to choice.” And who wouldn’t enjoy more choice?

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Vivian Manning-Schaffel is a multifaceted storyteller whose work has been featured in The Cut, NBC News Better, Time Out New York, Medium and The Week. Follow her on Twitter @soapboxdirty.

 

 

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