5 Things You Don’t Need to Be Happy and Fulfilled

Happiness 

 

 

And the underlying feelings you actually want.

 

 

I agree with the basic criticisms of self-improvement.

You don’t need any of the common goals, status markers, or achievements promoted by the industry. In reality, you don’t even want them. We think we want the goals and material items themselves, but we really want the underlying feelings they provide.

It’s a tricky battle.

On the one hand, you technically don’t need to do anything to feel happy. You could just make a conscious decision to do it. Eastern philosophy teaches this ethos and claims that desire causes suffering.

David Hawkins, the author of spiritual books like Power Vs. Force, said that:

“The person who suffers from inner poverty is relentlessly driven to accumulate on the material level.”

On the other hand, it can be difficult to just conjure up positive feelings out of thin air. Goals and outcomes serve a purpose, too, because you need to grow and evolve to reach certain outcomes.

Let’s take a look at some things you don’t technically need to live a good life and break down some of the underlying feelings that you really want in the first place.

You Don’t Need A Bunch of Money

Research shows that additional happiness levels fall off after about $75,000 a year. I’ve experienced it myself. I’ve moved up several tax brackets in the past five years and the money itself didn’t make me any happier.

I went to the mall the other day. I remember how I used to feel when I couldn’t afford much. I’d walk around and ‘window shop,’ feeling pity and the strong desire to buy what I couldn’t have. When I went to the mall the other day, I could’ve gone on a massive splurge. But I didn’t. I didn’t care. I didn’t want anything.

While money doesn’t make you happy, it does provide a few benefits and it does help you feel certain positive emotions:

• Freedom: Money gave me back control over my time. While money doesn’t make you happy, per se, having more time to pursue the things you enjoy can have a massive benefit in your life.
• Peace of mind: 41% of Americans can’t afford a $1,000 emergency. Money can alleviate your anxiety and lower stress. While I can’t afford a private jet, it feels great to know I can go to the grocery store and buy as much as I need anytime I want. It’s nice to no longer stress about my bills.
• The growth needed to make money: Money is often a byproduct of doing something worthwhile and rewarding like starting a business. How you make your money is just as important as how much you make.
• Addition by subtraction: The main benefit of making money doing what you enjoy is the ability to avoid all the things you don’t want to do — work a job you hate, commute (which has been proven to cause stress), suffer intolerable bosses or hostile environments, etc.

Naval Ravikant provides the recipe for success using money:

“People who live far below their means enjoy a freedom that people busy upgrading their lifestyles can’t fathom.”

You don’t need to be filthy rich, but making enough to live on through a profession or business you enjoy can change your life.

You Don’t Need to “Find Your Passion”

You’ve seen the cliches in the self-improvement industry about finding your passion: “Do what you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.”

You don’t need to do what you love to enjoy what you do for a living. And passion doesn’t necessarily come from work you love but rather work that you enjoy because you get good at it.

Cal Newport makes this argument in his book So Good They Can’t Ignore You:

“Passion comes after you put in the hard work to become excellent at something valuable, not before. In other words, what you do for a living is much less important than how you do it.”

He also said:

“If you want to love what you do, abandon the passion mindset (“what can the world offer me?”) and instead adopt the craftsman mindset (“what can I offer the world?”).”

Also, there are some other elements of what you do for a living that can lead to happiness and fulfillment without needing to have the passion and ultimate bliss:

• Autonomy: Daniel Pink, author of Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us says “Human beings have an innate inner drive to be autonomous, self-determined, and connected to one another. And when that drive is liberated, people achieve more and live richer lives.” Find something that gives you the freedom to create and you’ll be more motivated while you’re working.
• A sense of meaning: You can find a sense of meaning by making $30,000, $300,000, or $30,000,000. How do you get that sense of meaning? You do work you enjoy, work you want to get good at, work that gives you autonomy and a sense of agency, work that makes a positive impact on other people.
• A positive work environment: For some, this could mean self-employment with control over your hours. For others, this could mean finding a company with a culture and values that align with yours. Overall, you want to work in an environment that doesn’t cause needless stress, anxiety, and dissatisfaction.

You Don’t Need Everyone to Like You

There’s a popular quote:

“When you’re 20 you care what everyone thinks, when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you’re 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.”

You don’t need everyone to like you. In fact, attempting to get everyone to like you leads to people-pleasing behaviors that cause you to be less likable.

You can’t entirely avoid reacting to the way others perceive you. You’re wired to notice and measure little social status cues because they were critical to your ancestor’s survival. But, you can overcome that wiring and understand that ultimately you decide what people’s opinions about you mean to you.

The best way to get other people to like you is to learn how to like yourself. People are attracted to people who are secure in who they are, independent of the opinions of other people. Ironically, the less you care about whether or not people like you, the more people end up liking you.

Does this mean that you should behave however you want and be rude, aloof, or dismissive? Not at all. You can be kind, generous, and open-minded without needing to pander to anyone in the process.

Some tips for building a positive self-perception instead of what others think about you:

• Do the things you enjoy regardless of whether or not you think they’re ‘cool’ to the outside world — hobbies, career, business ideas, etc.
• Monitor your own relationship with yourself. Catch yourself when you get into patterns of negative self-talk. Take time to journal, meditate, and get a better understanding of your thought patterns.
• Instead of focusing on yourself and what other people think about you, focus on other people. Get curious about their interests. Listen. Focus not on saying the right things to get them to like you, but just having a genuine interest to understand who they are, period.

You Don’t Need (Or Even Want) to Be Famous

A corollary of the above. You don’t need massive levels of status or fame to be successful. We now live in a culture where we measure each other by numbers.

On the one hand, social media is a great place for communication and connection. On the other hand, it can cause us to focus on metrics that don’t matter as much as the substance of the content we put out there.

If you chase status, likes, and engagement to the point you have to become someone that you’re not to get fame, people end up liking the caricature of you, not the real you. Ask many famous people and they will tell you how much of trap fame can be:

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” — Jim Carrey

So, what can you pursue if fame isn’t the answer? Pursue building a tribe instead.

Seth Godin, the author of Tribes, put it well:

“The secret of leadership is simple: Do what you believe in. Paint a picture of the future. Go there. People will follow.”

Do I want every single human on planet earth to read my writing? No. Would I like to have a large audience? Yes. I already do. And I’m most proud of the fact that I have the right people in my tribe instead of having everyone in my tribe. I write about the subjects that fascinate me and also intersect with the interests of certain readers. I want to connect with like-minded people.

That’s what you ultimately want, too. You want to feel like you’re making an impact on others. And you can do that without the whole world knowing your name.

You Don’t Need Your Life to be a Movie

In general, you don’t need to live a magic rockstar, dream fairytale life to feel happy and fulfilled. You could live that way and be happy, but it’s not a requirement.

Again, you really want the underlying feelings behind the glitz and glamour.

What are some of these feelings?

You want a sense of adventure. You can get that without traveling to 70 different countries on a private jet. There are many different ways to live an adventurous life that cost little to nothing.

You want to feel like your life matters. You don’t need a bunch of money and status to do that. If you live in a way that’s aligned and congruent, you’ll feel a sense of meaning. I’ve come across people with tons of money who aren’t aligned. I’ve come across those with ‘humbler’ professions and less money that are completely aligned.

You want a feeling of accomplishment, growth, and the pride that comes from following through with your goals. You can have that with a variety of different goals. I often think of the artisans and little shop owners who aren’t rich but have the satisfaction of knowing they make a living directly from their creative energy.

I don’t know you. I can’t tell you exactly which mixture of inner-work and worldly outcomes will provide the feelings you’re looking for. But I do know that going entirely in one direction or the other won’t help.

Yes, you don’t want to be in a never-ending chase for desire. But you’re also a human being with wants and needs.

At the end of the day, you’re the best person to decide whether or not you’re happy, fulfilled, and successful. Trust your instincts, make wiser decisions as time goes on, learn from your mistakes, seize the day every day. I’m pretty sure you’ll be pretty damn happy.

Ayodeji is the author of Real Help: An Honest Guide to Self-Improvement.

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How to Gracefully Turn Down Plans You Can’t Afford

Housekeeping 

 

 Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

Learning to respect money

At age 5, Otegha Uwagba immigrated with her family from Nigeria to London. She went on to get a scholarship to a top private school and then attended Oxford. By her early 20s, her financial life looked great on paper — she had a well-paying job in advertising and a promising career ahead. But she also suffered from a great deal of anxiety over money, and struggled to talk about it with her friends, most of whom were from wealthier backgrounds. She writes about those experiences in her new memoir, We Need to Talk About Money, which comes out today in the U.K. Here, she offers advice on becoming more financially transparent with friends, overcoming social taboos over money, and how to cope with expensive social plans as we emerge from the pandemic. 

In your new book, you write a lot about your own money anxieties, especially growing up without much money but going to school with lots of people who were quite wealthy and could afford to do stuff that you maybe couldn’t. How did you learn how to be up front about what you were and weren’t comfortable paying for?

 
I never really talked openly about my financial anxiety with friends until recently. I figured it out mostly as I was writing the book. I realized that in order to explain my money story to other people, I first needed to understand it for myself. I started reading about Brad Klontz, and learning about his money scripts, and I realized that I was what he calls “money vigilant” — that was mind-blowing for me. Because up until that point, I thought it was very rational that I was anxious about money, even though I was technically good with it. I’ve always been very financially literate, but money still made me feel panicked. I couldn’t really make sense of it. And then I’ve discovered that clearly I’m not alone in that, which was really helpful for me in being able to counter that anxiety.

You’ve written a lot about how to create boundaries with friends around what you’re willing to spend, socially. How did you get good at that? I still find it so awkward.

 
It wasn’t until my late 20s that I felt comfortable saying no to friends when it came to spending money. Initially I would make up excuses. I’d say, “Oh, I’m not feeling well,” or “I don’t want to go.” I think the confidence to be honest is something that comes with age, and knowing yourself more but also knowing that your friendships aren’t dependent on being able to keep up financially.

I remember the first time I did say something. A friend was having a big good-bye lunch because she was leaving the country. And I just didn’t want to spend money on that lunch, but I did still want to be part of it. So I just said, “Hey, I can’t quite afford lunch, but can I come and meet you after?” Because I knew they were congregating in somebody’s house later. I was like, “Can I just come to that? I still want to say good-bye.” And she was so chill about it. I was like, “Why haven’t I done this sooner?” People don’t respond as badly as you might think. And the people who do aren’t people you want to be friends with. It’s actually also a really good way of filtering out people’s values.

Did you ever have a friendship fall apart because of your financial differences?

 
I had a friend who was earning a lot of money as a banker and our friendship just disintegrated because I couldn’t keep up with her spending, and I didn’t know how to say that to her. And I just felt very pressured going out with her, because we’d always go to expensive places and have expensive cocktails. And we were earning different amounts and I had different financial priorities. She was able to buy a flat in her early 20s, and that was just not my position at all. I definitely understand what it’s like to not want to broach those topics. But now that I’m more comfortable doing so, a lot of my friendships are better too.

Do you have a lot of friends from varying economic backgrounds?

 
I do now. But when I was younger, most of my friends were from school, and most of them were quite affluent. And I didn’t think that mattered so much, until I realized how gratifying it can be to have friends with similar backgrounds to me, who really understand my attitudes towards money and the particular neuroses I have, which they also share. I need to have that outlet, to have those conversations. So I think it’s important to have friends who are in similar financial situations to you, so that you can talk about things honestly, to somebody who can relate. Just emotionally, as human beings, we need people who have shared experiences with us, as it relates to money as well. It’s worth seeking those friendships out.

Speaking of financial differences, I think the pandemic has really exacerbated a lot of financial extremes. And now, coming out of it, people are looking at their money and spending differently. And that can be tough to communicate to friends who want to get together and do things again, the way that we used to. How do you recommend handling that?

 
The first thing I would say, before you even bring your friends into the equation, is to personally get really clear on what your spending priorities are and what your new budget is. The easiest way to overspend, or to spend your money in ways you’re not happy with, is to not have a clear framework of what you should be spending, and what you are saving for. So the first exercise is to actually sit down and make a budget, look at your monthly income and ask yourself, Where do I want this to go? How much am I reserving for socializing? Because then, at the very least, you have something to refer back to as these plans come in, and you can say, Can I actually afford that or not?

From there, it’s about organizing your social calendar accordingly and bearing that budget in mind, as you say yes and no to certain things. And that also might require some kind of prioritization of certain friends, and just an awareness that if I say yes to this, that is going to mean saying no to something else down the line.

That said, I don’t want to encourage people to hold back and not throw themselves back into the world right now. Everyone wants to go out and do stuff. I’ve certainly been overspending with things opening back up. I totally get it, and I think it’s worth giving yourself a grace period. We’ve been shut in for a year and a half. Maybe for the next three months, saving up isn’t as much of a priority, because we have been in a pandemic. I also believe in treating yourself and enjoying life. You just need to have a realistic framework. And you need to bear in mind that you’ve now got expenses and costs happening that you haven’t had for the past 18 months. If you go out to dinner, don’t lie to yourself about how much it will cost.

Pandemic or not, though, it is important to get comfortable with saying, “I can’t afford this right now,” or “That’s not in my budget now,” or “I can’t do that this month, but do you want to fix a date for next month?” I promise you, it’s not as hard as it seems. It is actually like a muscle — the more you do it, the more you get comfortable with it, and it becomes natural. I’m now quite good at pulling back if I know that I’ve had an expensive month. I know that if I’ve been out for dinner a couple of times this month, I probably need to turn down that invitation and book it in for next month. It’s instinctive now, and I’m good at saying no — I have no shame in it, and my financial stability is my priority. But it takes a while to get to that point. It’s not necessarily sexy and spontaneous, but budgeting never is. There is an element of self-discipline that’s required for it.

What do you do when people get defensive about money, or react badly when you’re being transparent about it?

I think it’s good to expect a bit of irrationality around money. And I don’t judge that at all. I don’t expect everyone to operate the same way that I do. And I think that’s really important. I think it can be beneficial for people to be more open and transparent about money, but I also know that we’ve got a long way to go until people feel comfortable with that. There’s this perception about money transparency that’s like, “Just do it and it’ll be fine.” And I’m like, “No, it’s really emotional, it’s really tough, it’s really awkward.” I understand why people respond in the ways they do and become prickly and defensive when money comes up and they feel judged and ashamed. I have felt all those things. I still sometimes feel those things. I know I will continue to feel those things.