Only
a narcissist would claim to fully grasp narcissism. It’s among the most
complex and utterly dichotomous human traits: producing leaders and
destroying relationships. Armchair psychologists attach the term to
friends, relatives, and maybe the current president. Despite an
“exponential explosion in scientific attention” in recent years, “the
narcissistic personality stubbornly persists in puzzling psychologists
attempting to understand it, all the while perplexing clinicians
attempting to treat its pathological manifestations,” researchers opined in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review two years ago.
The
latest research provides a peek at how youthful narcissistic tendencies
play out later in life, affecting jobs, relationships, and well-being,
plus how the “selfie-generation” feels about being labeled narcissists.
To understand it all, some narcissism 101 is helpful.
Named for the Greek character who fell in love with his own reflection, narcissism is a set of personality traits characterized
by an outsized sense of self-importance and lack of empathy, along with
a great need for attention and, in the most extreme cases, ironically
fragile self-esteem that can ruin careers and relationships. Extreme
narcissists can be know-it-alls. They may bully, blame, and humiliate others, refusing to take responsibility for their own mistakes, explains Joseph Burgo, author of The Narcissist You Know.
And they can be vindictive. “Extreme Narcissists always need to prove
that they are ‘winners’ in comparison to other people they view as
‘losers,’” Burgo says.
But
there are many shades. “People have differing degrees of narcissism
from high to low,” says Eunike Wetzel, a professor of psychology at Otto
von Guericke University in Germany. People can also have varying levels
of each of narcissism’s three main facets, with effects ranging from
good to bad to ugly. The three main facets are:
Leadership:
Extraversion, high self-esteem, a strong persistence toward goals, and a
desire to lead. By itself, this can be a very healthy trait,
particularly in work and social situations.
Vanity:
Taking excessive pride in one’s appearance and achievements, wanting to
be the center of attention, and harboring grandiose fantasies of
success.
Entitlement:
Interpersonally toxic tendency to disagree a lot and devalue others, to
use them as pawns for personal gain, to feel above everyone else, and
an extreme need for admiration and affirmation. At its worst, this is
the ugliest facet of narcissism.
Mellowing with age?
In a new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,
Wetzel and colleagues looked at narcissistic traits of 237 students who
long ago attended the University of California, Berkeley, based on
surveys done when they were freshmen, and how things played out 23 years
later. For most of them, narcissism declined with maturity.
While
a small number remained narcissistic as they aged, “only 3% of
participants actually increased in overall narcissism between the ages
of 18 and 41,” Wetzel says.
Narcissistic
young adults are more likely to end up in supervisory jobs, the study
found, “suggesting that selfish, arrogant individuals are rewarded with
more powerful organizational roles,” says co-author Emily Grijalva, a
professor of organizational behavior at Washington University in St.
Louis.
Young
adults with the highest levels of vanity were found to be more prone to
unstable relationships and more likely to be divorced in middle age,
the researchers report.
Vanity
declined about 25% less in people without children compared to people
who had kids, and a third less in people who were not in a serious
romantic relationship. Perhaps vain people who perceive they have failed
on these two fronts may continue to focus more on themselves as they
age, compared to the married-with-children crowd, the researchers
speculate. That could mean hewing to a better diet and more exercise,
possibly explaining why the vainest also report being healthier, at
least based on a single question rating their general physical health.
Finally,
those who felt the most entitled at 18 tend to have lower overall
well-being and lower levels of life satisfaction in middle age.
“Longitudinal
studies such as this one are very important to understanding
life-related outcomes associated with narcissism,” says Erin Hill, an
associate professor of psychology at West Chester University who was not
involved in the study.
How does being a narcissist affect one’s health?
Science
has yet to definitively tie narcissism to any long-term health
outcomes, but research shows it can have benefits, “including higher
levels of self-esteem and, in turn, some benefits to overall mental
health,” Hill says. A narcissist might be more inclined to exercise, but
the overconfidence, perceived invulnerability, and strong desire for
rewards have been linked to riskier financial decisions and substance
use, and all this can negatively affect interpersonal relationships and
life at work, she adds.
“Narcissistic
men may be paying a high price in terms of their physical health, in
addition to the psychological cost to their relationships.”
Meanwhile, narcissistic men might be more at risk of bad health outcomes than narcissistic women.
One
study from 2012 compared narcissistic traits to levels of cortisol, a
stress hormone, in 106 college students. Chronic high levels of cortisol
indicate elevated psychological stress,
which has been linked to a higher risk of depression, heart disease,
and memory impairment, among other ills. Unhealthy narcissism, such as
entitlement, was more than twice as likely to be associated with higher
cortisol levels in males as in females, and the evidence suggested the
higher levels in men were chronic, not just driven by short-term
stressors, the researchers reported in the journal PLOS One.
“Narcissistic
men may be paying a high price in terms of their physical health, in
addition to the psychological cost to their relationships,” says that
study’s co-author, Sara Konrath, a University of Michigan psychologist.
Konrath
cautions that whenever research relies on self-reporting, narcissists
can be relied upon to view themselves as better and more powerful than
others, potentially clouding the results. As for long-term health
effects, little is known, as she and a colleague write in an extensive essay on the topic,
partly because most studies of narcissism involve young adults. But
their research has linked the unhealthiest forms of narcissism,
including entitlement, exhibitionism, and exploitation, to increased
symptoms of depression and poorer sleep quality, compared to people with
healthy narcissistic traits related to leadership, including authority
and self-sufficiency.
She
called the new study’s finding that life experiences can change a
person’s level of narcissism “interesting and valuable,” but pointed out
the study involves a small number of participants, with high income and
education levels that are not representative of the U.S. population as a
whole.
Narcissism isn’t as pervasive as you might think
Anyone can take the 40-question Narcissism Personal Inventory
that researchers typically use to gauge narcissistic traits. However,
scoring high does not necessarily mean a person has the clinical
disorder, says Wetzel, whose study looked at common narcissistic traits,
not clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. Diagnosing
the disorder involves additional assessment by a psychologist or psychiatrist — assuming someone seeks treatment.
Scientists
don’t even know for sure what causes narcissistic tendencies. But it
can be useful to think of narcissism as a spectrum, from absolute
selflessness to total arrogance. Everyone is on it, argues Craig Malkin,
a Harvard Medical School instructor and author of Rethinking Narcissism. In this view, a bit of self-centeredness is healthy, but like any personality trait, it becomes pathological when taken to the extreme.
The trigger and causes may be a mix of inherited genes, the wiring of a particular brain, and likely what happens in childhood, for which a nearly endless list of possibilities
is suggested: traumatic childhood experiences, parents who reward only
high achievement with conditional love, a narcissistic parent who places
unrealistic expectations on a kid, parents who brag excessively about
their “golden child.”
In
the United States, 7.7% of men and 4.8% of women have a clinical
narcissistic personality disorder, according to one oft-cited estimate published a decade ago in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. That research involved more than 30,000 people interviewed face-to-face, on two occasions three years apart.
A
handful of studies since then have suggested narcissism is on the rise.
But these have typically been based on small, self-reporting surveys,
not clinical diagnoses, and often play off popular opinion by pointing a
finger at the selfie generation, including millennials, now roughly age 23 to 38; and Gen Z, sometimes called post-millennials, 22 and younger.
It’s
simply not true, says Brent Roberts, a University of Illinois
psychology professor who worked with Wetzel and Grijalva on the new
study. In a separate look at data on tens of thousands of college
students, Roberts and Wetzel concluded they are in fact slightly less narcissistic than their 1990s counterparts.
Perceptions persist, however, even among young people.
Earlier this year, another research group surveyed college students and older adults of all ages, learning
that despite research showing that younger generations are not more
narcissistic than previous generations, students believe the popular
narrative that “adolescents and members of their own age group are
indeed exceptionally narcissistic and entitled,” but they are “somewhat
distressed” by the labels. “All generations think that the youngest
generations… are the most narcissistic and entitled generations,” said
study leader Joshua Grubbs of Bowling Green State University. “However,
millennials and Generation Z dislike this characterization and believe
it less than older generations do.”
Flattery will get you everywhere
No
matter how it’s defined or what its exact manifestations are,
narcissism is “sort of the buzzword of our time,” says Ramani Durvasula,
a professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles,
who is also the author of Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist.
“And it is woefully misunderstood. People with narcissism are often the
most insecure people in the room, but they learned how to not show it.”
“A
narcissist will fool you with smarts and charm, but behind the facade
is a lack of empathy and compassion and a propensity to deceive,”
Durvasula explains in an American Psychological Association podcast. This can make them a tough romantic partner.
Anyone
who’s ever had a job knows these problems can extend to the workplace.
Given their sensitive egos, narcissists can feel threatened easily and
lash out aggressively, says Grijalva, the co-author of the new study.
They are typically selfish, not tending to act in the best interests of
their group or organization.
In previous research, Grijalva found that when the most narcissistic people become leaders, their worst traits tend to emerge, including “being exploitative, arrogant, and even tyrannical,” undermining their effectiveness.
“At
work, I am careful about publicly disagreeing with or embarrassing
these individuals,” Grijalva says today. “I also find flattery is more
effective with narcissists. If I suspect someone may be narcissistic,
then I try to involve them in making decisions and let them believe that
something is their idea.”
I
will tell you what a narcissistic parent can actually be like and I
will conclude with my personal experiences which were quite heavy. I
don’t think that I need professional expertise on this one. This is the
way I see it, divided on four points I know. My situation was critical
at some point in my life, thanks to one narcissistic parent. My mother…
A
narcissistic parent can be defined as someone who lives through, is
possessive of, and/or engages in marginalizing competition with the
offspring. Typically, a narcissistic parent perceives the independence
of a child (including adult children) as a threat, and coerces the
offspring to exist in the parent’s shadow, with unreasonable
expectations. In a narcissistic parenting relationship, the child is
rarely loved just for being herself or himself.
Most
parents want their children to succeed. Some narcissistic parents,
however, set expectations not for the benefit of the child, but for the
fulfillment of their own selfish needs and dreams. Instead of raising a
child whose own thoughts, emotions, and goals are nurtured and valued,
the offspring becomes a mere extension of the parent’s personal wishes,
with the child’s individuality diminished.
The
common themes through these put downs are: “There’s always something
wrong with you,” and “You’ll never be good enough.” By lowering the
offspring’s confidence, the narcissistic parent gets to boost her or his
own insecure self-worth.
Some
narcissistic parents are threatened by their offspring’s potential,
promise, and success, as they challenge the parent’s self-esteem.
Consequently, a narcissistic mother or father might make a concerted
effort to put the child down, so the parent remains superior. Examples
of this type of competitive marginalization includes nit-picking,
unreasonable judgment and criticisms, unfavorable comparisons,
invalidation of positive attitudes and emotions, and rejection of
success and accomplishments.
Many narcissistic
parents have a falsely inflated self-image, with a conceited sense about
who they are and what they do. Often, individuals around the narcissist
are not treated as human beings, but merely tools (objects) to be used
for personal gain. Some children of narcissistic parents are objectified
in the same manner, while others are taught to possess the same, forged
superiority complex: “We’re better than they are.”
This
sense of grandiose entitlement, however, is almost exclusively based on
superficial, egotistical, and material trappings, attained at the
expense of one’s humanity, conscientiousness, and relatedness. One
becomes more “superior” by being less human. Here’s a picture of a
normal family at first sight, to let the steam off a bit. This is heavy,
as I’m having my own particular, personal experiences with my
self-obsessed mother.
Closely
related to grandiosity, many narcissistic parents love to show others
how “special” they are. They enjoy publically parading what they
consider their superior dispositions, be it material possessions,
physical appearance, projects and accomplishments, background and
membership, contacts in high places, and/or trophy spouse and offspring.
They go out of their way to seek ego-boosting attention and flattery.
For
some narcissistic parents, social networking is a wonderland where they
regularly advertise how wonderful and envy-worthy their lives are. The
underlying messages may be: “I am or my life is so special and
interesting,” and “Look at me, I have what you don’t have!”
Just to name a few. I once read an article that was talking about up to 10 signs of narcissistic parenting. Very interesting.
Now my long mother-story short…
My
father has always been a happy man. After all those years, I have
little to say about my father that is bad. My mother trash-talked me
whenever I did something wrong, although there were moments when they
were still together where she pampered me as well. They were both strict
with me and generally gave me a good upbringing - until their marriage
was over. My parents split up in 2009, when I was 13. My father
remarried and bettered his life after the divorce. My mother got the
house and the custody over me. As of that moment I grew up with a
narcissistic person. She relived her second youth and sooner rather than
later, she wasn’t capable of taking care of me anymore. She went back
to her hedonistic youth. Four or five years after my parents broke up, I
started to realize everything. “My father was the right person to help
me with my development but I didn’t have the chance to pack my stuff and
go live with him.” The realization came too late. Nowadays, my mother
still lives on her own while thinking she is way better than her
friends, that she is the best and so special. Literally living in her
own dream world, she thinks she can make no mistakes whatsoever. My
mother wanders past her pay grades and left me stranded during weekends
when I was a teenager.
I refused to become a
narcissist. I escaped, if you will. I am a very simple guy. Neat.
Decent. Clean and serene. No scum. I don’t like big talk or
grandstanding, whereas my mother lives exactly like this. Beyond her
means. She put me in hundredth place or something for most of the time.
That’s how I was feeling. Two years ago we parted ways. I haven’t seen
her in two years because of her bad influence, bad habits and
characteristics, for example her hardness and her quick-tempered nature.
Or maybe because of the fact that she was dating another man each week,
dumping all of them so far because they’re “not her type” after all.
Maybe… “What will the neighbours think of us?” “The friends and the
people in the street?” My first thoughts when I stepped out of the
schoolbus. Every weekend another car of yet another man on the driveway.
Reputation, you know. My parents were married for 17 years…
At
age 20, I finally stood up for myself, left the house, found a new
home. A lot of doubts. Single as I was and asexual as I had become -
thanks to what happened at home. More of an innate inability to
compartmentalize. Commitmentphobia, as this phenomenon is commonly
known.
But I’ll always know she’s my mother. I
still love the woman, you know, though it’s hard. I’ll never forget this
and I hope someday we can talk again. I hope, one day, she comes around
and accepts that her mistakes and vanity have caused a lot of problems
between us.
That’s it in a nutshell. I kind of
like my simple life today and I have changed in a positive way. When I
was alone I was hanging around in the streets a lot. I closed the pubs,
if you know what I mean. At one point, I’d let myself go. Far from clean
and serene. Smoking and drinking myself to death at the age of 18. The
last man to leave along with some others. No support to hold on to. My
father was too far away. But when I was alone - which happened more than
often - I’ve had the time to think, to enhance my ideoligies and to
discover life…
I’ll never change her or any other narcissist, I’m afraid.
Only
a narcissist would claim to fully grasp narcissism. It’s among the most
complex and utterly dichotomous human traits: producing leaders and
destroying relationships. Armchair psychologists attach the term to
friends, relatives, and maybe the current president. Despite an
“exponential explosion in scientific attention” in recent years, “the
narcissistic personality stubbornly persists in puzzling psychologists
attempting to understand it, all the while perplexing clinicians
attempting to treat its pathological manifestations,” researchers opined in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review two years ago.
