Relationships
are not about passive agreements and merely spending time together:
they are living, breathing entities, and if you don’t actively take care
of them, they will suffer and die. If you want your relationship to be
strong, you can’t just hope for it — you need to put in the work.
In
this article, I will share some of the most effective strategies my
partner and I use to care for our relationship, to stay close to each
other through conflict and disconnection, and to consistently progress
towards more happiness and love.
We
wondered why couples fight, lose interest or seem to lose the ability
to communicate even when they love each other. Why do dirty dishes or
apparently innocuous words become triggers for such heated arguments?
According to Dr. Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist and developer of Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy
(EFT), adult romantic relationships are “(…) emotional bonds. They’re
about the innate need for safe emotional connection. Just like [British
psychiatrist] John Bowlby talks about in his attachment theory
concerning mothers and kids. The same thing is going on with adults.”
Through her extensive experience with couples counseling, Dr. Johnson concluded that relationshipconflict is a result of one or both partners feeling that their attachment is threatened.
Most
of us don’t see this connection because the symptoms have purely
emotional roots. His snaggy remarks make you feel small and hurt; her
angry words convince you that you’re not good enough for her; the hairs
left in the drain symbolize disrespect. Due to our past experiences with
unsafe connections, the smallest behaviors can trigger our strongest
fears.
So, why do we need secure attachment so much?
According to research, it’s because the lack of it can actually be a literal threat to our survival.
Researchers at Case Western Reserve University
asked men with a history of angina and high blood pressure whether
their wives “showed their love.” The ones who said no suffered twice as
many angina episodes during the next five years.
Another study found that women who had had a heart attack showed a 3x higher risk of having another if there was conflict in their marriage.
Being
able to trust and be trusted, to love and be loved in your relationship
is not just helpful: it’s crucial for you and your partner’s health,
happiness, and overall quality of life.
What
follows are the specific techniques—with real-life examples—that my
partner and I use to do the work needed to maintain a loving and
intimate relationship. We are eager self-experimenters and have found
that these are the things that really work.
1. See What You’re Doing
After
studying and working with thousands of couples, Dr. Johnson noticed
that most couples fall into one of three toxic loops — she calls them
the “Demon Dialogues.”
The first one is Find the Bad Guy.
This is when partners constantly blame each other, point at each
other’s faults, and present lists of examples of how the other person
has failed in the past. It’s a constant fight, and it’s usually the
first step in a couple’s disconnection.
The second one is The Protest Polka.
This is the most common one, and it usually consists of one partner
reaching out for attention, usually in a negative or aggressive way, and
the other stepping back, usually with silence or exasperation.
The third one is Freeze and Flee,
and according to Sue Johnson, it’s the most dangerous one. This usually
happens when the “aggressive” partner gives up trying to get the
spouse’s attention and goes silent — and often ends up leaving. Couples
in this pattern are no longer fighting, but remain silent and defeated.
In
unstable relationships, these patterns tend to happen often, and each
time they threaten the connection — and have a strong negative impact on
both partners.
With securely attached partners, the Demon Dialogues still happen, but they are an exception and they are more easily overcome.
In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Johnson explains that, in any case, the first step towards strengthening a relationship is to identify the patterns that threaten it.
Every
once in awhile, when I feel especially stressed, I tend to get anxious
about money. That I’m spending too much, not saving enough, and moving
towards inevitable failure.
I
usually complain about this to my partner as a way to get his support,
but every time I do it he seems to get triggered by it, and quickly
becomes angry and impatient. Feeling vulnerable and desperate, I then
push for his attention, and he gradually gets more annoyed.
According
to Dr. Johnson, no matter how often this happens in your relationship,
if you want to break this kind of pattern, you first need to see it in
its entirety.
That’s
what my partner and I did: as soon as we found ourselves stuck in our
own Protest Polka, we asked ourselves a few questions based on an
exercise in Dr. Johnson’s book.
Here are those questions and our answers:
What usually happens that keeps me from feeling safely connected to you?
My
answer: when I share my anxiety and you reply in an annoyed, frustrated
tone, something like “right, here we go again”, or “oh my god, so now
we can’t spend money anymore”, or “I give up. Do whatever you wish.”
His
answer: when you tell me what to do, like “we should be spending less
money”, or “let’s not do that because it’s too expensive,” instead of
looking for a rational solution together.
And then, what is my usual response?
My answer: I justify my complaints further and try to show why you’re wrong.
His answer: I get angry and shut you off, and reply in a cold tone.
What am I trying to achieve by doing that?
My
answer: I am trying to communicate my anxiety and fear to you and
asking you for support — I just struggle to communicate it clearly.
His answer: I am trying to remain calm and think about solutions on my own.
As this pattern keeps going, how do I feel?
My answer: Frustrated. Alone. Hurt.
His answer: Annoyed. Angry. Tired.
What do I tell myself about our relationship when this happens?
My answer: That I am annoying and spoiled, and you don’t want to support me or understand me.
His answer: That I have no clue how to support you; that you’re trying to take my freedom away.
My understanding of this loop is that when I behave the way described above, you seem to then ______.
My answer: Become cold and impatient.
His answer: Criticize my every attempt to support you and become emotional.
The more I ______, the more you ______, and we get trapped in a painful loop.
My answer: The more I try to get seen, the more annoyed you become.
His answer: The more I focus on rational arguments, the more emotional you become.
How to identify your own unhealthy patterns
Look
for a common negative pattern in your relationship which you and your
partner usually get stuck, and ask yourself these questions. Share your
answers with your partner.
Remember:
your fights are almost never about the facts (money, working late, bad
parenting, etc.), but about the attachment problems in your
relationship.
2. Express What You Feel
After
identifying and deconstructing the patterns that undermine your
relationship, you and your partner need to catch yourselves as they
happen. “Hey, we’re doing that thing again, should we take a moment and
get out of it?”
So, how do you get out of it?
First: resist the temptation to blame.
Second: express your deeper emotions, your raw spots.
An
example of blame vs. expression: instead of saying “I feel that you’re
not even trying to understand me, and only care about yourself,” say
“when you stop speaking to me, I feel lonely, like I’m not being
understood.”
According to a famous experiment
conducted by the psychologist Arthur Aron, self-disclosure — that is,
exchanging personal information that matters — increases interpersonal
closeness.
Whenever
my partner and I see that we’re getting stuck in our Protest Polka, we
immediately tune in to our own feelings and do our best to use first
person, blame-free language.
Then,
together, we explore the root of our emotions and share them with each
other as a way to bridge the gap between us and increase connection.
Here are a few questions that we ask ourselves to snap out of our Demon Dialogue and reconnect to each other:
What is the real reason why I feel/act this way?
When have I felt similarly in the past?
What was the original event that triggered this pattern?
What is this discussion really all about?
What am I really trying to tell you?
I
explained to my partner that I subconsciously attribute part of my
self-worth to the amount of money I have. When I see our shared account
balance decreasing, I try to take control of the situation by making
passive remarks about his and our financial decisions. When he replies
with sarcasm, it reminds me of how my father used to be constantly
annoyed with me as a child, and I respond with louder cries for
attention.
In
return, my partner told me that as a child, he was often denied things
due to his family’s financial situation. When my words imply that I’m
trying to cut our costs as a couple, he feels like he is being denied
again, and like his freedom is threatened.
Since
the moment we first shared these insights, everything changed: we feel
closer, stronger, and the Polka doesn’t own us anymore.
3. Say What You Want
My
partner shared with me that one of the reasons why he feels so
triggered in our Protest Polka is his frustration of not knowing how to
support me effectively.
Here’s the thing: your partner can’t guess your needs — you need to communicate them.
Spend
more time telling your partner about the ways in which you want to be
supported and loved. Tell them about yourself, about your dreams, about
your fears.
It’s also very useful to give positive feedback about ways in which they have supported you in the past.
For example, I know that my partner likes me to diffuse his anger with
laughter and jokes, and he knows that very often, all I need is to be
held and have him acknowledge my feelings by repeating them back at me.
We know these things because we’ve told each other that we like these
kinds of responses.
This also requires you to listen to what your partner asks of you.
Sometimes this can be a straightforward request, but it can also be
emotional. For example, if your partner shares his or her hurt and looks
for empathy, you suggesting rational solutions might make them feel
even more lonely and hot heard at all.
The most important ingredient for healthy relationships is good communication.
So keep it alive. Keep sharing. Keep talking, giving feedback,
exchanging information. This way, when conflict arises, you’ll have the
necessary tools to fight it.
4. Touch Each Other More
In her book Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships, author Marnia Robinson explains how intentional physical affection on a daily basis can increase closeness and intimacy between lovers, even with as little as a few minutes of gentle caressing.
My
partner and I have noticed that very often our moments of disconnection
happen due to a lack of physical affection — and that this can often be
remedied by just physically connecting more.
For example, we love doing ecstatic dance and contact improvisation
together. We’re not always in the mood for sex, and sometimes it feels
good to change it up: dance, play fight, cuddle or make out.
If
the time is scarce, I often simply take five-second breaks from work to
kiss my partner’s neck or hug him from the back. He does the same, and
it can feel more invigorating than a cup of coffee!
5. Do Intentional Maintenance
In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey describes how he and his wife used to take time every day to discuss and optimize their relationship.
Inspired by this, my partner and I started creating a weekly date specifically dedicated to relationship work and deep sharing.
How does it work?
The mechanics are very simple.
First, we light a candle
This
simple gesture brings intention to the moment and helps us transition
into the right mindset. If candles are not your thing, you can instead
put on some music, start with a cup of tea, or always do it in a
specific room in the house — it’s all about showing yourselves that this
is a special moment. Choose any initiating gesture that you can both
relate to and enjoy.
Then, we share and listen
We take turns listening to each other speak about whatever we feel is important. To avoid interruptions, we use the talking stick method (you take turns holding the stick, and the person holding the stick is the only one who can talk at that time).
The topics can include:
Problems/worries we’ve been facing during the week;
Things we feel grateful for/high points;
A summary of the main events of the week;
How we’re currently feeling and what has triggered it;
Things we’re proud of that week;
What we love about each other;
Replying to what the other person has just shared;
Ideas to collaborate or improve the relationship;
Desires, goals, fears.
We keep on passing the stick until we both have nothing else to add.
Finally, we have fun
After
what usually turns out to be an emotional and productive session, we
like to lighten up the mood by exercising our creativity. Every week,
each of us prepares something to bring to the “meeting,” and then
presents it. This can be:
Reading a poem;
Singing a song;
Offering the other one a massage;
Performing a comedy act;
Telling a story;
Dressing up and dancing ridiculously,
Or whatever we feel like!
The goal is to practice the act of giving, of showing ourselves, and of enjoying the process.
Why
does this work? Because we keep bringing awareness to the connection
between us. Work and life can be demanding, and we often forget to
check-in with each other. By setting a specific time for this, we make
sure that we address our problems and pay attention to each other’s
needs.
Relationships Are to Be Enjoyed
My
goal with this article is to share tools that have been working for me,
and to encourage you to experiment and adapt them to your own
relationship.
Maybe
you don’t like the idea of having a weekly date, but instead prefer to
connect every day in the evening for five minutes, or simply make sure
you maintain constant and steady communication.
Perhaps
you don’t like the questions I suggest, and you might want to come up
with your own, or maybe you don’t identify with any of Dr. Johnson’s
Demon Dialogues.
And that’s okay.
Because
all that matters is this: relationships are not meant to go sour after a
few years. We don’t need to become apathetic, angry, bitter spouses.
Love is a skill that can be mastered — all you need to do is find the
tools that work for you, and then start making the changes that you want
to see.
Better
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