The Silent Relationship Killer You Never See Coming - And two solutions to fight it

Relationships

In 1992, my friends and I obsessed over the album, A Pocket Full of Kryptonite, by The Spin Doctors. I had since forgotten about it until a few days ago. A song of theirs played on the radio, and I remembered why I fell in love with it.

During its heyday, we listened to the CD on auto-repeat for hours on end. We cooled to their music after a while but still enjoyed it. Soon, we grew tired of it and ditched it forever.

Relationships can follow a similar track if you’re not careful.

You never think it can happen to you, at least not in the early stages of mutual desire.

Frantic attraction

It begins with a flicker of interest. You both feel it. Out of nowhere, it blossoms into mutual infatuation. Then it happens.

You meet for a Friday night date and go home together. You emerge Sunday afternoon, frantically obsessed with each other.

You’re giddy and anxious when apart — every thought centers on your next embrace. Work suffers. Your boss warns you about missed deadlines, but you can’t focus.

You brunch together and listen to that silly story about Chris from Accounting, and you think it’s the funniest thing you ever heard in your life.

Weeks pass and you think these days will never end. “This is it,” you say to yourself. “It’s love.”

But at some point, the desire fades, just a little like when you fall in love with a song, play it over and over, and then grow accustomed to it.

You still have that special feeling for each other, but it’s now somewhat muted. You settle into the relationship. At first, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Back then, you thought of it as fucking. Now, you call it sex, and if you skip a few days, you won’t miss it.

Setting the routine

Friday becomes your official date and sex night. Saturday, you both hang out with friends. Sunday, you brunch together. Monday and Tuesday, you catch up on television. Wednesday is laundry night. Thursday starts as a free night and then becomes your sex night because you’re too tired to do it after your date on Friday.

Each week follows the same pattern. It’s comfortable and predictable, but dull, the same way your favorite song starts to bore you after a while.

At dinner, you ask about their day, not because you’re curious, but because you feel obligated to ask. It’s not that you don’t care, you just know they’ll give the same answer as last night, and countless nights before that.

You try to rekindle the last flicker of remaining love, so you plan a vacation. A sprinkling of tropical dust from the Caribbean waters rewinds the clock, and you say to yourself, “We still got it.”

You return home to the same calendar, reliving the same schedule. A week passes, and you feel like the vacation never happened. Sex night arrives, and neither of you feels a pinch of desire. You both undress in silence and scoot under the covers. “Ready?” you ask.

No longer do you think of it as fucking or even sex. Now it’s just intercourse. Like something you do in front of middle-aged stiffs in white lab coats scribbling on clipboards.

How did it come to this?

Remember that song you once loved? In time, it bores you. Then, it annoys you. “Ugh, if I listen to that song one more time…”

Another dinner comes and you think, “If I have to hear that story about Chris from Accounting one more time…”

It’s Thursday night again, and you’re supposed to intercourse with each other. But you get caught up watching some crappy show on Netflix. “Oh,” you say. “Didn’t realize it was so late.”

“Me either. Should we skip it tonight?”

“Well,” you say. “If you’re okay with skipping it, I guess.”

Whew. You sigh in unison. And then with a pang of fear, you think: how did it come to this?

You never fought. Nobody stormed out of the house, vowing never to return. Nobody cheated. Is this how it ends?

Then you shout what you’re both thinking. “Loving relationships shouldn’t work like this.”

“I know. We have to do something. I still love you. You know that, right?”

A flurry of imagination

You pull the calendar off the wall and toss it into the fireplace. No more Friday date nights at your favorite Italian place. To hell with friends night and television.

You rouse your partner out of bed for an early morning hike on Saturday. They surprise you in the shower before work on Monday. At dinner, you stop yourself from asking, how was your day? Instead, you ask, “What would you like to accomplish with your life?”

Weeks later, you take an impromptu acting class together. You rush home like the early days, unable to control yourselves. And like that song you once loved and then couldn’t stand; you hear it again and remember why you fell in love with it.

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The silent relationship killer you never see coming

After 17 years in a happy relationship, the one thing that always signals time for a course correction is that feeling of routine or sameness. Here’s a quick test to see if it’s a problem:

Look back on the last six months. Does it feel like it was one day lived 180 times?

Routine, sameness, and predictability lead to boredom. There’s no tumultuous end. Instead, you die slowly until the day comes when you both wonder, how did it come to this?

But you can avoid that fate. And maybe you’ve heard these two suggestions before. That doesn’t mean you’re doing them or doing them right.

Inject a dose of spontaneity

Breaking out of a routine doesn’t always set things right. Deliberate planning of activities to wrestle back the passion creates pressure and unreasonable expectations.

When you fall short of expectations, it gives the impression that something’s wrong. But maybe, you put too much pressure on yourselves.

Include a degree of spontaneity. Try new, challenging activities together. Studies agree; engaging in exciting activities result in higher romantic excitement.

Pursue separate passions

When you’re stuck in a routine, it feels like you’re fast-forwarding through a song without any destination in mind.

Pursuing a passion leads to growth and fills you with purpose. You won’t feel like your relationship holds you back. You each bring back a bit of mystery, allowing you to discover more about each other.

The day-to-day sameness disappears because you’re both doing things that excite you.

And like that song you once obsessed over, your relationship grows tiresome if you play it on auto-repeat. A little variety helps you appreciate its fragile splendor.

Written by

Barry Davret

Writer. Experimenter in life, productivity and creativity. Contact: barry@barry-davret dot com.

How To Fall In Love… Slowly

Romance

I once thought love and infatuation were synonyms. When Emily came along, I felt nothing for her other than friendship. But three years later, I had fallen in love.

Our subsequent relationship did not last, but it taught me the difference between infatuation and love.

Infatuation springs to life after that first wink, smile, or quirky mannerism. You know it when obsession or madness steals your focus and sanity.

When novelty turns to familiarity, the frenzy fizzles. For the unlucky ones, the relationship dies. For a small minority, a seed remains behind, something to nourish.

Love starts as a seed, growing out of sight, under the surface. But with nurturing, it matures and emerges. And soon, you wonder if it always existed.

I’m lucky to have fallen in love twice. Both experiences taught me the beauty of letting it happen slowly.

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My second love

We ran together, drank together, and even shopped together. But we were just friends. Neither of us expressed any romantic interest.

Our friend Rebecca had been bugging us, “You guys should smooch and see what happens.” She deemed my future wife and me an ideal match, so she organized group outings just to arrange adjacent seating for us — as if smooching erupted spontaneously from cramped proximity.

A year passed, and we continued to run, drink, and socialize. Nothing changed until a group of us went to a Yankee game. Amber and I got up to get a couple of beers. For the first time, two years after our friendship began, I felt attracted to her, buoyed with an odd intensity.

I schemed to ask her out as I walked her to the subway, but scheming never progressed to doing. Yeah, I wimped out, and my inaction would haunt me.

A few weeks after that game, she started dating someone else. I kicked myself for a while, but I shrugged it off. We remained good friends without the pressure of advancing our relationship.

The stealth date

Her relationship ended. I was unattached. She invited me out to a dive bar next to her office. I thought some of her coworkers would be there, but it was just us.

Have you ever met someone for a friendly drink and felt like you were on a date? A stealth date?

We cozy up as we drink, getting close but just drunk-close. I realize my feelings for her still linger inside me. And after spending a few hours together, my desire feels sharper, more than just a passing infatuation.

We stumble outside, and I hatch a plan. I’ll walk her to the subway and ask her out, just before we part ways. If she says no, it’s only a few seconds of awkwardness.

The moment approaches; the plan now seems impractical. The first time I had fallen in love with a friend, it ended in disappointment. Why chance that again?

“Safe trip home,” I said. We friend-hug goodbye.

She makes a move

But not the kind I wanted. She announced her impending relocation to Colorado. My window of opportunity had vanished — if only I had acted sooner. Even if we had started dating, we lacked enough time to build a relationship that could withstand the geographical distance.

But then she made a move, the kind I desired. She sent me a text which sparked a chain of events that changed everything.

September 7, 2002, became our unofficial anniversary thanks to this message.

“Meet me at American Trash when you get back from your parents.”

And so I did. I had planned to go for a drink, but we hung out at the bar for a few hours and then kissed for the first time.

Our relationship seemed to progress by years over the next two months. The seed had finally sprouted, as evident as a lily amongst a garden of shrubs.

She moved to Colorado as planned. I followed seven months later. For a long time, I had thought we survived despite the odds of distance. But no, the love had been building our entire friendship. The distance was merely an obstacle.

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How to fall in love slowly

Too often, we confuse love with infatuation. And that only lasts for so long. When the crush eases, you need something more profound to hold your relationship together.

Falling in love doesn’t just happen. It’s a slow process that develops and grows from patient nurturing.

When you look back, it seems like it existed the whole time, just waiting for the two of you to acknowledge it. But that’s your mind playing revisionist history with you. It takes time and effort to grow that kind of connection.

To succeed, begin with the right mindset.

Start with no expectations

When you fall in love slowly, you never remember your first date. That’s because you spend so much time stealth-dating with no pressure or prospects for anything more.

Without expectations, you reveal your true self. You don’t feel compelled to impress. You allow your flaws to poke through your outer shell. By the time you cross the friend-lover threshold, they already know the real you.

Have fun together

Sure, go to the theater, vacations, and concerts. But can you have fun together on a hike, chilling out at a wine bar, or drinking coffee? If you can enjoy yourselves doing everyday activities, it’s a good sign your relationship will survive the post-infatuation stage.

Intimacy comes when you’re both ready

Sometimes it never happens. I’ve had female friends where mutual attraction existed, but intimacy never came. That’s life.

When you fall in love slowly, the day will come when you both know it. And the best part? It feels natural. The passion and love you feel for each other overcome any awkwardness and jitters.

Don’t let opportunities slip away

I nearly allowed my chance to pass. A last-minute invitation opened the door of possibility. Once recognition of love occurs, don’t hide and wait for something to happen.

Destiny is bullshit.

You must take action to make it happen. Yes, there’s a chance the other person might not return your feelings, or maybe they get scared and run away. But love doesn’t come without risk.

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I know. Who has time for long drawn out romances these days? But don’t discount falling in love slowly. There’s no other way.

Written by

Barry Davret

Writer. Experimenter in life, productivity and creativity. Contact: barry@barry-davret dot com.

Stay Single Until You Find Someone Who Puts Effort Into Loving You

Staying Single

It is worth waiting for the right one!

Stay single until you find someone who is willing to put work into the relationship. Someone who is mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come along with loving you. Someone who realizes laziness has no place in a committed relationship.

Stay single until you find someone who treats you well without expecting brownie points or a pat on the back. Someone who treats you well because you deserve it and he wants to see you with a smile on your face.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into conversations with you. Someone who listens when you speak. Someone who puts his phone down when you walk into a room.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into making you feel included. Someone who invites you out with his friends. Someone who takes you out to dinner with his family.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into the bedroom. Someone who attends to your needs. Someone who gives as often as he receives.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into planning dates. Someone who chooses the place and time so you are not stuck making all the decisions. Someone who pays attention to what you want to do on weekends and makes it happen.

Stay single until you find someone who does as much for you as you do for him. Someone who understands relationships are a two-way street and should never become one-sided. Someone who recognizes your worth and makes sure you recognize it too.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into loving you every single day. Someone who makes you feel appreciated for all of the little things you do instead of making you feel like you are taken for granted. Someone who makes sure you realize how loved you are instead of making you wonder whether anyone cares.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into every aspect of your relationship. Someone who texts you in the morning to let you know you have been on his mind. Someone who picks up snacks for you when he goes shopping so you always have something in his fridge to eat. Someone who spends hours searching for (or handcrafting) the perfect gift for you because he believes you only deserve the best.

Stay single until you find someone who does the dishes and laundry when you are having a rough day so you get a chance to relax. Someone who sprays on your favorite cologne before meeting up for a date with you. Someone who offers to drive you and your friends to the club so you don’t have to take an Uber. Someone who calls you when he is running late at work so you don’t worry about him. Someone who gives you compliments on your smile and eyes, along with your soft heart and hard work.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into pursuing you and puts effort into keeping you.

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Love, No Matter What

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Can We Choose To Fall Out Of Love

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Everything Happens For A Reason

In life's toughest moments, how do you go on living? Kate Bowler has been exploring this question ever since she was diagnosed with stage IV cancer at age 35. In a profound, heartbreaking and unexpectedly funny talk, she offers some answers -- challenging the idea that "everything happens for a reason" and sharing hard-won wisdom about how to make sense of the world after your life is suddenly, completely changed. "I believe that in the darkness, even there, there will be beauty and there will be love," she says.

 This video was produced by TEDMED. TED's editors featured it among our daily selections on the home page. About the speaker Kate Bowler · Divinity professor, author Kate Bowler is reexamining her perspective on the "prosperity gospel": the belief that good things happen to good people.

A Profound Christmas Story

A LovelA Ly Christmas Story


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How To Treat Your Partner Fairly!

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This story brings the problem home very clearly.  It helps to remember your partner's good qualities and to celebrate them.


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7 Tips To Find Your Soulmate and Avoid Toxic Love

Something different today. How to find your soulmate. Many people, especially around Christmas make the decision to stop being lonely. Here are 7 tips to find your soulmate. Not only that, these tips are also invaluable if you are in a toxic relationship that erodes your self-confidence. 7 Tips To Find Your Soulmate and Avoid Toxic Love

Valentine's Day

 

 

 

To all those who celebrate this day of Love, 

Happy Valentine's day!