8 Myths About Being Single That Are Entirely False

Being Single 

 

 

How these beliefs are making your single life harder than it needs to be

Kirstie Taylor

 Photo by Ali Hadjian on Unsplash

About three years ago, I purposely took a year off dating. I came out of two crappy back-to-back relationships, and I knew I needed to change the parts of my love life that made me unhappy.

It wasn’t an easy decision. After ten years of back-to-back relationships, my identity felt enmeshed with whoever I was dating. And, to be frank, being alone terrified me. People around me talked so badly about being single.

But that year off dating was THE BEST decision I made for myself. And my experience made me realize that people drastically undervalue their time being single. And the reason isn’t something they’re doing. It’s these myths that our society spreads.

Let’s talk about what those myths are, why they’re untrue, and finally stop spreading them. Because no one deserves to be miserable while single; if anything, you should be celebrating.

Myth #1: Your life will magically be happier when you’re in a relationship.

The problem with this myth is it’s based on the belief that happiness comes from outside yourself. Sure, a person can give you momentary happiness. But if you aren’t happy on your own — with your life, friends, career, who you are — another person won’t change that.

That’s because a relationship can’t change how you feel about yourself. The people who believe that end up being sorely disappointed with another person. Instead of buying into this notion, spend your time being single, creating your happiness.

A 2016 study found that pursuing this kind of growth will make you significantly happier, relationship or not. So why put it off any longer?

Myth #2: Being single is a problem that needs to be fixed ASAP.

My singledom felt let a scarlet letter on my chest. Not that anyone ever made me feel bad about it; I created that fabricated judgment inside my head. So, naturally, I never stayed single for too long. I saw relationships as a solution to, well, just about anything.

But this caused me to make a lot of bad dating decisions. When you rush into anything, it most likely won’t turn out well. Call me crazy, but I’d venture to guess that’s why many people are unhappy in their marriages. They thought marriage was a milestone to rush to.

Take your time. Don’t let anyone make you think that being single is a problem that needs to be fixed. Being single is a beautiful stage in life because it means you get to meet all kinds of people and learn who is right for you.

Myth #3: There’s something wrong with you for being single.

Let’s stop with those whole “damaged goods” or “change yourself, so people like you” crap. There’s nothing wrong with you for being single. The fact you haven’t found a partner yet doesn’t mean you’re less valuable than other people.

It simply means that you haven’t found a good match for you. That’s it. Case closed. Like I already said, you can’t rush this process. The person you’ll be with will come at their own time. There’s no use in feeling bad about yourself while you’re dating in the meantime.

And while you’re at it, remember that rejection is all part of the process. Just because someone you liked decided to stop dating you doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It just means that wasn’t the person for you.

Myth #4: When you stop looking, the right one will come.

I’ve written many articles in my career, and I hope there was never a time when I wrote this advice. It’s such a disheartening thing to say to someone who is genuinely trying to find a great partner.

A relationship comes when it comes. Whether you’re looking or not. I know that, for me, I started dating my boyfriend the moment I decided to date with intention. He was a friend I knew for a few years, and I made a move to ask him out on a date.

If anything, being intentional about your dating life will have better outcomes than sitting in your apartment bingeing Schitt’s Creek (which is phenomenal, btw). People who wing it tend to ignore red flags or invite unhealthy people into their lives.

Myth #5: You can’t be single, happy, and looking for a relationship.

Ah yes, the new-age myth that somehow loving being single and looking for a relationship are mutually exclusive. I cannot agree less. And I say this, having gone through a year of being single on purpose.

When I did choose to date again, and things were going well with my boyfriend, I had a momentary freakout. I knew we’d soon be officially dating, and I was scared not to be single because of how much I built a life I finally enjoyed living.

You can enjoy your singledom while also looking for the right person to spend your life with. You don’t have to miserable and unhappy. You can love this time and also date.

Myth #6: If you’re single, it’s because your standards are too high.

While I’m all for adjusting standards, they’re still essential for dating. Anyone who tells you to lower your standards without even understanding what you’re looking for is someone whose advice you don’t want to take.

Sure, don’t have superficial pet peeves disguised as standards. I have plenty of friends who wouldn’t date a guy with bad style or a woman who doesn’t have a high-paying job. All of that isn’t important to find a great life partner.

But do have boundaries based on your values, morals, or life goals that you refuse to have crossed. If someone is telling you otherwise, then it's their standards that need to change, not yours.

Myth #7: Your time is ticking.

Yes, time is always passing. That’s how our world works.

But by no means does that mean you should hurry it up when finding a relationship. In fact, research shows that people who marry at an older age have a lower divorce rate than those who marry young.

Even as a woman, there are ways to ensure you can start a family later (if that’s even what you want), and the same goes for men. When it comes to a life decision as big as deciding when to marry and have kids, you shouldn’t rush.

If there was ever a moment in your life to take your time, dating is one of them. You want to find someone who makes a great partner, not someone who makes, “eh.. they’re safe,” partner.

Myth #8: You’ll regret this time you wasted.

You’ll only regret your time being single if you make it miserable. But if you fill it with forming deep friendships, traveling to places you’ve always wanted, becoming clear on your boundaries, and pursuing your life’s goals, then no, you won’t regret this time.

Taking time off of dating to enjoy my single life was one of the best decisions I made. To this day, I carry with me those realizations I made about myself and my sense of purpose. I have stronger boundaries. I take care of my needs better.

So this myth is simply untrue. You’ll feel like you wasted this time if you didn’t use it in the right way.

I’m sure that the people who initially spread these myths about being single meant well, but it’s time to call them out for what they are: lies that are doing more harm than good for people.

Being single in no way means you’re weak, unlovable, wasting your time, or unhappy. It means that you’re waiting to find a relationship that you know you deserve. What could be miserable about that?

Landmark study on 11,196 couples pinpoints what dating apps get so wrong

Dating Apps

"It suggests that the person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build."

By Emma Betuel

The most powerful predictors of relationship quality are the characteristics of the relationship itself — the life dynamic you build with your person. This is according to an analysis of 11,196 couples gleaned from 43 studies.
At the outset of relationships, relationship-related characteristics are likely to account for about 45 percent of the differences in relationship satisfaction. Actor reported traits (or your own personality) can account for 19 percent of differences.
By contrast, a partner's personality may only account for about 5 percent of that relationship satisfaction. Over time, the estimates become smaller, but the hierarchy remains the same: relationship characteristics trumping individual ones.
Samantha Joel, the study's first author and the director of the Relationships Decision Lab at Western University, says that her study crystallizes one thing:
"Really, it suggests that the person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build," she tells Inverse.
The study was published Monday in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. 

How you perceive your partner's personality is less important than the nature of your relationship and your own personality (the lens through which you view your relationship). Maskot/Getty Images

What makes relationships successful – This study breaks down all the individual ingredients that go into romantic relationships (or as many that can be captured through asking people questions about their dating lives). They fell into two categories: individual characteristics of each partner and relationship characteristics.
Individual characteristics included attributes like income, satisfaction with life, age, or empathy, amongst many others. Relationship characteristics included things like perceived partner satisfaction, affection, power dynamics, or sexual satisfaction.
In every relationship, both of these categories will intermix, but not all traits will have equal sway.
The study pooled data from 43 separate studies and 11,196 couples who were interviewed at least twice (the interval between interviews ranged from two months to four years, depending on the study). Those interviews showed which attributes within each category were most tightly tied to relationship quality.

"The shared norms, the in-jokes, the shared experiences – is so much more than the separate individuals who make up that relationship."

The top five individual variables that explained differences in relationship satisfaction were:

1. Life satisfaction
2. Negative affect (feeling distressed or irritable)
3. Depression or feelings of hopelessness
4. Attachment anxiety (in a phrase: "I worry a lot about my relationships")
5. Attachment avoidance (preferring to not become too attached)

The five most powerful relationship-based variables that explained differences in satisfaction were:

1. Perceived partner commitment (in a phrase: "my partner wants this relationship to last forever")
2. Appreciation (feeling lucky to have your partner)
3. Sexual satisfaction
4. Perceived partner satisfaction (how happy you think the relationship makes your partner)
5. Conflict

Those individual characteristics are important as they impact how you approach the relationship in the first place, Joel explains. But they still paled in comparison to the nature of the relationship itself.
"The dynamic that you build with someone — the shared norms, the in-jokes, the shared experiences — is so much more than the separate individuals who make up that relationship," Joel says.
Using science for relationship advice – This study comes about 20 years after relationship science became a "mature discipline," the study team writes. Joel adds that the field has seen a surge in both popularity and scientific efforts.
"Our conferences have record numbers of attendees, and our journals have record numbers of submissions," she says.
This study exists to pool all that information into one place and see what conclusions might be drawn. It's not all about gleaning science-backed dating advice — but when asked to provide it, Joel is game.
"It really seems that having a great relationship is less about finding the perfect partner or changing your current partner, and more about building that relationship itself – setting up the conditions that will allow the relationship to flourish," she says.

Abstract: Given the powerful implications of relationship quality for health and well-being, a central mission of relationship science is explain- ing why some romantic relationships thrive more than others. This large-scale project used machine learning (i.e., Random Forests) to 1) quantify the extent to which relationship quality is predictable and 2) identify which constructs reliably predict relationship quality. Across 43 dyadic longitudinal datasets from 29 laboratories, the top relationship-specific predictors of relationship quality were perceived-partner commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, perceived-partner satisfaction, and conflict. The top individual- difference predictors were life satisfaction, negative affect, depression, attachment avoidance, and attachment anxiety. Overall, relationship-specific variables predicted up to 45% of variance at baseline, and up to 18% of variance at the end of each study. Individual differences also performed well (21% and 12%, respectively). Actor-reported variables (i.e., own relationship-specific and individual-difference variables) predicted two to four times more variance than partner-reported variables (i.e., the partner’s ratings on those variables). Importantly, individual differences and partner reports had no predictive effects beyond actor-reported relationship- specific variables alone. These findings imply that the sum of all individual differences and partner experiences exert their influence on relationship quality via a person’s own relationship-specific experiences, and effects due to moderation by individual differences and moderation by partner-reports may be quite small. Finally, relationship-quality change (i.e., increases or decreases in relationship quality over the course of a study) was largely unpredictable from any combination of self-report variables. This collective effort should guide future models of relationships.

The ‘Dating Market’ Is Getting Worse

The old but newly popular notion that one’s love life can be analyzed like an economy is flawed—and it’s ruining romance.

Ashley FettersKaitlyn Tiffany

February 25, 2020

Dating

Stay Single Until You Find Someone Who Puts Effort Into Loving You

Staying Single

It is worth waiting for the right one!

Stay single until you find someone who is willing to put work into the relationship. Someone who is mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come along with loving you. Someone who realizes laziness has no place in a committed relationship.

Stay single until you find someone who treats you well without expecting brownie points or a pat on the back. Someone who treats you well because you deserve it and he wants to see you with a smile on your face.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into conversations with you. Someone who listens when you speak. Someone who puts his phone down when you walk into a room.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into making you feel included. Someone who invites you out with his friends. Someone who takes you out to dinner with his family.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into the bedroom. Someone who attends to your needs. Someone who gives as often as he receives.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into planning dates. Someone who chooses the place and time so you are not stuck making all the decisions. Someone who pays attention to what you want to do on weekends and makes it happen.

Stay single until you find someone who does as much for you as you do for him. Someone who understands relationships are a two-way street and should never become one-sided. Someone who recognizes your worth and makes sure you recognize it too.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into loving you every single day. Someone who makes you feel appreciated for all of the little things you do instead of making you feel like you are taken for granted. Someone who makes sure you realize how loved you are instead of making you wonder whether anyone cares.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into every aspect of your relationship. Someone who texts you in the morning to let you know you have been on his mind. Someone who picks up snacks for you when he goes shopping so you always have something in his fridge to eat. Someone who spends hours searching for (or handcrafting) the perfect gift for you because he believes you only deserve the best.

Stay single until you find someone who does the dishes and laundry when you are having a rough day so you get a chance to relax. Someone who sprays on your favorite cologne before meeting up for a date with you. Someone who offers to drive you and your friends to the club so you don’t have to take an Uber. Someone who calls you when he is running late at work so you don’t worry about him. Someone who gives you compliments on your smile and eyes, along with your soft heart and hard work.

Stay single until you find someone who puts effort into pursuing you and puts effort into keeping you.

---

11 Signs You Are With A Good Man

Signs of a Good Man

Some very good points to consider when dating!

 

Women are sharing their dating red flags to help others avoid bad relationships

Dating Experiences Shared

The Dating Game

 The Dating Game - this should be enormous fun but also teach women about what exactly constitutes the ideal partner.

WPEC-TV CBS12 News :: News - Top Stories - Game helps women have fun on the path to 'Landing Mr. Right'