Romance
I
once thought love and infatuation were synonyms. When Emily came along,
I felt nothing for her other than friendship. But three years later, I
had fallen in love.
Our subsequent relationship did not last, but it taught me the difference between infatuation and love.
Infatuation
springs to life after that first wink, smile, or quirky mannerism. You
know it when obsession or madness steals your focus and sanity.
When
novelty turns to familiarity, the frenzy fizzles. For the unlucky ones,
the relationship dies. For a small minority, a seed remains behind,
something to nourish.
Love
starts as a seed, growing out of sight, under the surface. But with
nurturing, it matures and emerges. And soon, you wonder if it always
existed.
I’m lucky to have fallen in love twice. Both experiences taught me the beauty of letting it happen slowly.
My second love
We
ran together, drank together, and even shopped together. But we were
just friends. Neither of us expressed any romantic interest.
Our
friend Rebecca had been bugging us, “You guys should smooch and see
what happens.” She deemed my future wife and me an ideal match, so she
organized group outings just to arrange adjacent seating for us — as if
smooching erupted spontaneously from cramped proximity.
A
year passed, and we continued to run, drink, and socialize. Nothing
changed until a group of us went to a Yankee game. Amber and I got up to
get a couple of beers. For the first time, two years after our
friendship began, I felt attracted to her, buoyed with an odd intensity.
I
schemed to ask her out as I walked her to the subway, but scheming
never progressed to doing. Yeah, I wimped out, and my inaction would
haunt me.
A
few weeks after that game, she started dating someone else. I kicked
myself for a while, but I shrugged it off. We remained good friends
without the pressure of advancing our relationship.
The stealth date
Her
relationship ended. I was unattached. She invited me out to a dive bar
next to her office. I thought some of her coworkers would be there, but
it was just us.
Have you ever met someone for a friendly drink and felt like you were on a date? A stealth date?
We
cozy up as we drink, getting close but just drunk-close. I realize my
feelings for her still linger inside me. And after spending a few hours
together, my desire feels sharper, more than just a passing infatuation.
We
stumble outside, and I hatch a plan. I’ll walk her to the subway and
ask her out, just before we part ways. If she says no, it’s only a few
seconds of awkwardness.
The
moment approaches; the plan now seems impractical. The first time I had
fallen in love with a friend, it ended in disappointment. Why chance
that again?
“Safe trip home,” I said. We friend-hug goodbye.
She makes a move
But
not the kind I wanted. She announced her impending relocation to
Colorado. My window of opportunity had vanished — if only I had acted
sooner. Even if we had started dating, we lacked enough time to build a
relationship that could withstand the geographical distance.
But then she made a move, the kind I desired. She sent me a text which sparked a chain of events that changed everything.
September 7, 2002, became our unofficial anniversary thanks to this message.
“Meet me at American Trash when you get back from your parents.”
And so I did. I had planned to go for a drink, but we hung out at the bar for a few hours and then kissed for the first time.
Our
relationship seemed to progress by years over the next two months. The
seed had finally sprouted, as evident as a lily amongst a garden of
shrubs.
She
moved to Colorado as planned. I followed seven months later. For a long
time, I had thought we survived despite the odds of distance. But no,
the love had been building our entire friendship. The distance was
merely an obstacle.
How to fall in love slowly
Too
often, we confuse love with infatuation. And that only lasts for so
long. When the crush eases, you need something more profound to hold
your relationship together.
Falling in love doesn’t just happen. It’s a slow process that develops and grows from patient nurturing.
When
you look back, it seems like it existed the whole time, just waiting
for the two of you to acknowledge it. But that’s your mind playing
revisionist history with you. It takes time and effort to grow that kind
of connection.
To succeed, begin with the right mindset.
Start with no expectations
When
you fall in love slowly, you never remember your first date. That’s
because you spend so much time stealth-dating with no pressure or
prospects for anything more.
Without
expectations, you reveal your true self. You don’t feel compelled to
impress. You allow your flaws to poke through your outer shell. By the
time you cross the friend-lover threshold, they already know the real
you.
Have fun together
Sure,
go to the theater, vacations, and concerts. But can you have fun
together on a hike, chilling out at a wine bar, or drinking coffee? If
you can enjoy yourselves doing everyday activities, it’s a good sign
your relationship will survive the post-infatuation stage.
Intimacy comes when you’re both ready
Sometimes it never happens. I’ve had female friends where mutual attraction existed, but intimacy never came. That’s life.
When
you fall in love slowly, the day will come when you both know it. And
the best part? It feels natural. The passion and love you feel for each
other overcome any awkwardness and jitters.
Don’t let opportunities slip away
I
nearly allowed my chance to pass. A last-minute invitation opened the
door of possibility. Once recognition of love occurs, don’t hide and
wait for something to happen.
Destiny is bullshit.
You
must take action to make it happen. Yes, there’s a chance the other
person might not return your feelings, or maybe they get scared and run
away. But love doesn’t come without risk.
I know. Who has time for long drawn out romances these days? But don’t discount falling in love slowly. There’s no other way.
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