Thursday, 3 August 2017

What Kind Of Parents Cause Narcissism?


Arthur Cnudde
Arthur Cnudde, Author of Dutch novels (2012-present)
I will tell you what a narcissistic parent can actually be like and I will conclude with my personal experiences which were quite heavy. I don’t think that I need professional expertise on this one. This is the way I see it, divided on four points I know. My situation was critical at some point in my life, thanks to one narcissistic parent. My mother…

A narcissistic parent can be defined as someone who lives through, is possessive of, and/or engages in marginalizing competition with the offspring. Typically, a narcissistic parent perceives the independence of a child (including adult children) as a threat, and coerces the offspring to exist in the parent’s shadow, with unreasonable expectations. In a narcissistic parenting relationship, the child is rarely loved just for being herself or himself.

Most parents want their children to succeed. Some narcissistic parents, however, set expectations not for the benefit of the child, but for the fulfillment of their own selfish needs and dreams. Instead of raising a child whose own thoughts, emotions, and goals are nurtured and valued, the offspring becomes a mere extension of the parent’s personal wishes, with the child’s individuality diminished.
The common themes through these put downs are: “There’s always something wrong with you,” and “You’ll never be good enough.” By lowering the offspring’s confidence, the narcissistic parent gets to boost her or his own insecure self-worth.
Some narcissistic parents are threatened by their offspring’s potential, promise, and success, as they challenge the parent’s self-esteem. Consequently, a narcissistic mother or father might make a concerted effort to put the child down, so the parent remains superior. Examples of this type of competitive marginalization includes nit-picking, unreasonable judgment and criticisms, unfavorable comparisons, invalidation of positive attitudes and emotions, and rejection of success and accomplishments.

Many narcissistic parents have a falsely inflated self-image, with a conceited sense about who they are and what they do. Often, individuals around the narcissist are not treated as human beings, but merely tools (objects) to be used for personal gain. Some children of narcissistic parents are objectified in the same manner, while others are taught to possess the same, forged superiority complex: “We’re better than they are.”

This sense of grandiose entitlement, however, is almost exclusively based on superficial, egotistical, and material trappings, attained at the expense of one’s humanity, conscientiousness, and relatedness. One becomes more “superior” by being less human. Here’s a picture of a normal family at first sight, to let the steam off a bit. This is heavy, as I’m having my own particular, personal experiences with my self-obsessed mother.
Closely related to grandiosity, many narcissistic parents love to show others how “special” they are. They enjoy publically parading what they consider their superior dispositions, be it material possessions, physical appearance, projects and accomplishments, background and membership, contacts in high places, and/or trophy spouse and offspring. They go out of their way to seek ego-boosting attention and flattery.

For some narcissistic parents, social networking is a wonderland where they regularly advertise how wonderful and envy-worthy their lives are. The underlying messages may be: “I am or my life is so special and interesting,” and “Look at me, I have what you don’t have!”
Just to name a few. I once read an article that was talking about up to 10 signs of narcissistic parenting. Very interesting.

Now my long mother-story short…
My father has always been a happy man. After all those years, I have little to say about my father that is bad. My mother trash-talked me whenever I did something wrong, although there were moments when they were still together where she pampered me as well. They were both strict with me and generally gave me a good upbringing - until their marriage was over. My parents split up in 2009, when I was 13. My father remarried and bettered his life after the divorce. My mother got the house and the custody over me. As of that moment I grew up with a narcissistic person. She relived her second youth and sooner rather than later, she wasn’t capable of taking care of me anymore. She went back to her hedonistic youth. Four or five years after my parents broke up, I started to realize everything. “My father was the right person to help me with my development but I didn’t have the chance to pack my stuff and go live with him.” The realization came too late. Nowadays, my mother still lives on her own while thinking she is way better than her friends, that she is the best and so special. Literally living in her own dream world, she thinks she can make no mistakes whatsoever. My mother wanders past her pay grades and left me stranded during weekends when I was a teenager.
I refused to become a narcissist. I escaped, if you will. I am a very simple guy. Neat. Decent. Clean and serene. No scum. I don’t like big talk or grandstanding, whereas my mother lives exactly like this. Beyond her means. She put me in hundredth place or something for most of the time. That’s how I was feeling. Two years ago we parted ways. I haven’t seen her in two years because of her bad influence, bad habits and characteristics, for example her hardness and her quick-tempered nature. Or maybe because of the fact that she was dating another man each week, dumping all of them so far because they’re “not her type” after all. Maybe… “What will the neighbours think of us?” “The friends and the people in the street?” My first thoughts when I stepped out of the schoolbus. Every weekend another car of yet another man on the driveway. Reputation, you know. My parents were married for 17 years…

At age 20, I finally stood up for myself, left the house, found a new home. A lot of doubts. Single as I was and asexual as I had become - thanks to what happened at home. More of an innate inability to compartmentalize. Commitmentphobia, as this phenomenon is commonly known.

But I’ll always know she’s my mother. I still love the woman, you know, though it’s hard. I’ll never forget this and I hope someday we can talk again. I hope, one day, she comes around and accepts that her mistakes and vanity have caused a lot of problems between us.

That’s it in a nutshell. I kind of like my simple life today and I have changed in a positive way. When I was alone I was hanging around in the streets a lot. I closed the pubs, if you know what I mean. At one point, I’d let myself go. Far from clean and serene. Smoking and drinking myself to death at the age of 18. The last man to leave along with some others. No support to hold on to. My father was too far away. But when I was alone - which happened more than often - I’ve had the time to think, to enhance my ideoligies and to discover life…

I’ll never change her or any other narcissist, I’m afraid.
Peace.
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