Arthur Cnudde, Author of Dutch novels (2012-present)
I
will tell you what a narcissistic parent can actually be like and I
will conclude with my personal experiences which were quite heavy. I
don’t think that I need professional expertise on this one. This is the
way I see it, divided on four points I know. My situation was critical
at some point in my life, thanks to one narcissistic parent. My mother…
A
narcissistic parent can be defined as someone who lives through, is
possessive of, and/or engages in marginalizing competition with the
offspring. Typically, a narcissistic parent perceives the independence
of a child (including adult children) as a threat, and coerces the
offspring to exist in the parent’s shadow, with unreasonable
expectations. In a narcissistic parenting relationship, the child is
rarely loved just for being herself or himself.
Most
parents want their children to succeed. Some narcissistic parents,
however, set expectations not for the benefit of the child, but for the
fulfillment of their own selfish needs and dreams. Instead of raising a
child whose own thoughts, emotions, and goals are nurtured and valued,
the offspring becomes a mere extension of the parent’s personal wishes,
with the child’s individuality diminished.
The
common themes through these put downs are: “There’s always something
wrong with you,” and “You’ll never be good enough.” By lowering the
offspring’s confidence, the narcissistic parent gets to boost her or his
own insecure self-worth.
Some
narcissistic parents are threatened by their offspring’s potential,
promise, and success, as they challenge the parent’s self-esteem.
Consequently, a narcissistic mother or father might make a concerted
effort to put the child down, so the parent remains superior. Examples
of this type of competitive marginalization includes nit-picking,
unreasonable judgment and criticisms, unfavorable comparisons,
invalidation of positive attitudes and emotions, and rejection of
success and accomplishments.
Many narcissistic
parents have a falsely inflated self-image, with a conceited sense about
who they are and what they do. Often, individuals around the narcissist
are not treated as human beings, but merely tools (objects) to be used
for personal gain. Some children of narcissistic parents are objectified
in the same manner, while others are taught to possess the same, forged
superiority complex: “We’re better than they are.”
This
sense of grandiose entitlement, however, is almost exclusively based on
superficial, egotistical, and material trappings, attained at the
expense of one’s humanity, conscientiousness, and relatedness. One
becomes more “superior” by being less human. Here’s a picture of a
normal family at first sight, to let the steam off a bit. This is heavy,
as I’m having my own particular, personal experiences with my
self-obsessed mother.
Closely
related to grandiosity, many narcissistic parents love to show others
how “special” they are. They enjoy publically parading what they
consider their superior dispositions, be it material possessions,
physical appearance, projects and accomplishments, background and
membership, contacts in high places, and/or trophy spouse and offspring.
They go out of their way to seek ego-boosting attention and flattery.
For
some narcissistic parents, social networking is a wonderland where they
regularly advertise how wonderful and envy-worthy their lives are. The
underlying messages may be: “I am or my life is so special and
interesting,” and “Look at me, I have what you don’t have!”
Just to name a few. I once read an article that was talking about up to 10 signs of narcissistic parenting. Very interesting.
Now my long mother-story short…
My
father has always been a happy man. After all those years, I have
little to say about my father that is bad. My mother trash-talked me
whenever I did something wrong, although there were moments when they
were still together where she pampered me as well. They were both strict
with me and generally gave me a good upbringing - until their marriage
was over. My parents split up in 2009, when I was 13. My father
remarried and bettered his life after the divorce. My mother got the
house and the custody over me. As of that moment I grew up with a
narcissistic person. She relived her second youth and sooner rather than
later, she wasn’t capable of taking care of me anymore. She went back
to her hedonistic youth. Four or five years after my parents broke up, I
started to realize everything. “My father was the right person to help
me with my development but I didn’t have the chance to pack my stuff and
go live with him.” The realization came too late. Nowadays, my mother
still lives on her own while thinking she is way better than her
friends, that she is the best and so special. Literally living in her
own dream world, she thinks she can make no mistakes whatsoever. My
mother wanders past her pay grades and left me stranded during weekends
when I was a teenager.
I refused to become a
narcissist. I escaped, if you will. I am a very simple guy. Neat.
Decent. Clean and serene. No scum. I don’t like big talk or
grandstanding, whereas my mother lives exactly like this. Beyond her
means. She put me in hundredth place or something for most of the time.
That’s how I was feeling. Two years ago we parted ways. I haven’t seen
her in two years because of her bad influence, bad habits and
characteristics, for example her hardness and her quick-tempered nature.
Or maybe because of the fact that she was dating another man each week,
dumping all of them so far because they’re “not her type” after all.
Maybe… “What will the neighbours think of us?” “The friends and the
people in the street?” My first thoughts when I stepped out of the
schoolbus. Every weekend another car of yet another man on the driveway.
Reputation, you know. My parents were married for 17 years…
At
age 20, I finally stood up for myself, left the house, found a new
home. A lot of doubts. Single as I was and asexual as I had become -
thanks to what happened at home. More of an innate inability to
compartmentalize. Commitmentphobia, as this phenomenon is commonly
known.
But I’ll always know she’s my mother. I
still love the woman, you know, though it’s hard. I’ll never forget this
and I hope someday we can talk again. I hope, one day, she comes around
and accepts that her mistakes and vanity have caused a lot of problems
between us.
That’s it in a nutshell. I kind of
like my simple life today and I have changed in a positive way. When I
was alone I was hanging around in the streets a lot. I closed the pubs,
if you know what I mean. At one point, I’d let myself go. Far from clean
and serene. Smoking and drinking myself to death at the age of 18. The
last man to leave along with some others. No support to hold on to. My
father was too far away. But when I was alone - which happened more than
often - I’ve had the time to think, to enhance my ideoligies and to
discover life…
I’ll never change her or any other narcissist, I’m afraid.
Peace.
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